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BuzzJack Music Forum _ News and Politics _ Predict Daily Newspaper Headlines front page for tomorrow
Posted by: popchartfreak 18th May 2016, 12:52 PM
This is a fun new game where you can predict the front page of your chosen newspaper for the next day:
Some will be accurate, some will be flippant.
Here's mine:
Daily Mail:
"IMMIGRANTS CAUSE CANCER SURVEY RESULTS SHOW"
Toxins breathed out by foreigners eating disgusting foreign foods are shown to contain chemical toxins which innocent babies of hard-working British families in adjacent properties breathe in. An Expert Spokesman for the survey generously financed through the Daily Mail, Dr Winston Thatcher, comments that this is conclusive proof that the EU is to blame.
Posted by: Suedehead2 18th May 2016, 01:54 PM
CORBYN'S LINKS TO ISIS REVEALED
Left-wing Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn's links to extremist group ISIS are revealed by the Daily Mail today. An anonymous source claims that Corbyn may once have spoken to somebody who passed within fifty yards of a person who is alleged to have sold a pint of milk to a Muslim who went to the same school as another Muslim who has joined a group of extremists in Syria. Those two Muslims are alleged to have attended the same school as little as fifteen years apart.
Posted by: Taylor Jago 18th May 2016, 02:29 PM
NICKELBACK'S "ROCKSTAR" CAUSES PARKINSON'S DISEASE
An anonymous source claims that they have developped Parkinson's Disease after exposure to the song "Rockstar" by Nickelback on the radio. The incident is claimed to have taken place in early 2008, at the height of the song's success in the UK, and that the song being played on BBC Radio 1 caused a mutation of the disease, enabling it to spread over the body. The victim demands compensation from the band, and they have threatened to sue if their demand is not met.
Posted by: Suedehead2 18th May 2016, 02:37 PM
DIANA WAS MURDERED - NEW EVIDENCE
Fresh evidence has emerged proving that Diana, Princess Of Wales, was murdered in Paris in August 1997, the Daily Express can reveal. The shock new evidence also shows that the other passenger Dodi Fayed, a Muslim, was not murdered. Boris Johnson, one of the leaders of the campaign for the UK to leave the EU said "I didn't know Diana, but I know that she would have wanted to have nothing to do with the EU. Voting to remain would be an insult to her memory. Crikey."
Posted by: popchartfreak 18th May 2016, 07:31 PM
ALIENS GROPED MY BREASTS
Claims a top Model in the Daily Star, following a visit to a nightclub. 23-year old perky Sammi Starsson is shown with the mammary attractions. So attractive even little green men can't resist them.
Posted by: popchartfreak 19th May 2016, 11:53 AM
Results:
I'm afraid I was closest with my Daily Mail headline. Actual headline:
IMMIGRANTS TAKE 200 MILLION JOBS OFF HARD-WORKING BRITISH FAMILES
I may have mis-read it slightly, but that's essentially it.
Tomorrow's headline will be grim, but it will be along the lines of
IMMIGRANTS BRING TERRORIST THREAT following plane disappearance.
Posted by: Suedehead2 19th May 2016, 08:31 PM
EU THREAT TO OUR FOOD
The EU are set to crack down on our food if the country votes to stay in Europe next month, The Sun can reveal. Meddling Brussels officials want to impose labels showing the number of calories in traditional British food and drink like pizza, curry and lager according to a secret document seen by The Sun.
Posted by: Silas 19th May 2016, 08:40 PM
EU causes Cancer (Daily Express & Daily Mail)
Posted by: Mack 19th May 2016, 09:36 PM
Blown Out of the Sky
Daily Mirror
Posted by: popchartfreak 20th May 2016, 06:39 PM
Yes the Mirror headline is spot on, the general theme of the day, sadly.
The Daily Mail seem to have a sense of humour interviewing Elton about his wonderful marriage, while also finding time to blame the housing crisis on immigrants. I thought it was caused by all the rich bast*rds buying several homes for a better return than savings and shares, and the useless British politicians who all promise to build more houses and never do. One thing I'll give Thatcher and Johnny, they managed to build houses. Having all of the builders leave the profession/retire hasn't helped so i look forward to our efforts to coax builders from abroad following a Leave result when the housing crisis doesn't improve. That will be hilarious...
I Digress. Tomorrow:
The Sun: ANGELA MERKEL DESCENDED FROM HITLER (or at least his 3rd cousin twice removed)
Posted by: Mack 20th May 2016, 07:13 PM
The Sun:
Premier League Ace In One-Night Stand In Paris
Daily Star:
BGT Star X-Rated's Past.
Posted by: popchartfreak 21st May 2016, 09:07 AM
out of the blue the only thing that could push immigrants off the front page, other than a big tragedy? yes someone climbed over a fence at Buckingham Palace in order to murder the Queen. or summat like that.
Meanwhile George Osborne abruptly joins the Leave brigade as he thinks warning of plummeting house prices will be seen as a bad thing by anyone except those who paid too much for their house. And banks, of course who will be hit hard. Poor things. And foreign investors who have already bought up UK property. I feel sorry for them, down to their last half million.
The Star has a truly shocking front page. A Corrie actor who watches the BBC. Because of course, nobody in the Coronation Street ITV drama production team ever watches the BBC. Possibly the most non-story of all-time so well done Star writers, a pretty big achievement there!
Posted by: Suedehead2 22nd May 2016, 10:55 AM
I've missed an opportunity 
I had been planning to post a made-up Express story along the lines of the entire population of Turkey being about to descend on the UK based on "an exclusive opinion poll with a sample size of one". I thought I had a few days to write it up as it was just too ridiculous even for the Express. Ah well.
Posted by: popchartfreak 22nd May 2016, 11:32 AM
Inevitable that one as the Leave campaign get increasingly desperate.
I wish the Leave hypocrites who froth at the mouth every time a foreign President, Prime Minister, person of substance, head of a major corporation explains why they think it's a bad move (that's "explains" not "orders") would hold the same vitriol for those foreign billionaire tycoons and Presidential candidates who "stick their noses" into "our" business. Such as Rupert Murdoch, who wishes to see the EU fragment so he can get even more powerful in OUR UK POLITICS than he already is. That's a FOREIGNER telling us what to vote in each and every single election, referendum and poll.
The fact that some of the Leave brigade take money for waffling about this and that from rich foreigners invalidates their whole argument. Bunch of effing two-faced hypocrites. Especially the ones married to EU citizens who feel it's OK for EU citizens to come over here as long they get to shag them, but not for anyone else. One of them wasn't even born in the UK, bloody "foreigner" born in a country of bloody "immigrant" parents. What a massive truth-distorting, reality-bending, policially-ambitious, selfishly-motivated "loveable" old blonde moptop buffoon he is.
Just as his views on EU being like Hitler and Napoleon, his views being regarded as substantial because he studied history. Twat. His views distort history for political purposes. The EU:
a) is not German or French tyrants attempting to impose their will, willing to commit any atrocity to do so
b) is a democracy, the UK government has agreed to everything along with every other member-state
So, essentially what Boris Fluffy-bunny nice-bloke JohnThomas is saying is he doesn't believe in democracy in other nations, and democracy that doesn't adopt his views on how life should be is tyrannical and murderous. Sounds like his studies of history should have left him with an "F" at best. Clearly too stupid to understand basic facts, and he gets away with it cos he's so "funny" and "adorable". He's as funny as a does of the clap. Hilarious!
Posted by: Suedehead2 22nd May 2016, 11:38 AM
Murdoch has admitted that his hostility towards the EU is because he cannot influence it whereas he can tell the UK government what to do and expect them to do it. That in itself should make people think long and hard about voting to leave.
Posted by: Mack 22nd May 2016, 10:26 PM
UK in row with Turkey.
Posted by: popchartfreak 23rd May 2016, 06:57 PM
I was hoping this was the Star and was about Christmas dinner
Yes, though apparently everyone in Turkey has been polled by the press and intends to come over, then Cammie-kins made it even worse by saying it would a Cold day in Busted Hell before they were allowed in the EU. It can only be a question of time before he says "Over my dead body" and Johnno takes that as a personal challenge.
Posted by: Suedehead2 23rd May 2016, 07:39 PM
I'll go for the Express...
LATE SPRING WEATHER EXPECTED IN LATE SPRING
Posted by: popchartfreak 23rd May 2016, 08:57 PM
Well if its the Express...
LEAVE VOTE WILL CAUSE HOUSE PRICE RISE OF 50%
Posted by: richie 25th May 2016, 09:08 AM
REVEALED! VACUOUS REALITY STAR'S SECRET TELEPHONE CALL TO TABLOID NEWSPAPER!
Posted by: popchartfreak 25th May 2016, 03:23 PM
Now that sounds just too fanciful to believe....and probably true with regard to (insert C-list celeb name here)
Posted by: Suedehead2 6th June 2016, 01:07 PM
CONFUSION AS TRIBUTES PAID TO DEAD MUSLIM
Confused Sun readers have been flooding our switchboard after we reported that tributes had been paid to a dead Muslim. Muhammad Ali, who was foreign and black as well as being a Muslim, died on Friday night.
Posted by: popchartfreak 6th June 2016, 04:58 PM
Confused Sun readers have been flooding our switchboard after we reported that tributes had been paid to a dead Muslim. Muhammad Ali, who was foreign and black as well as being a Muslim, died on Friday night.
The actual Sun headline is about as tasteless as you can get, making an amusing pun of his death. Chortle chortle.
Twats.
Posted by: Suedehead2 21st June 2016, 01:26 PM
Vote Leave Or This Kitten Gets It - Daily Express
Posted by: popchartfreak 21st June 2016, 04:47 PM
Too obvious the likely headline would be turkish immigrants flood in to rape our kittens within 2 years.
Cyprus top politicians interviewed saying their hated historical enemy will get a Cyprus support to join the European union due to swarms of kittens in Cyprus. No way will they veto the country occupying half the island. Not never no sirree...
Posted by: Suedehead2 22nd June 2016, 06:23 PM
VOTE LEAVE - IT'S WHAT MAGGIE AND CHURCHILL WOULD HAVE WANTED - Daily Express
PETS TO BE CULLED BY EU ORDER - The Sun
The EU is poised to announce new regulations on domestic pets on Friday after the result of the referendum is declared. Any pets which do not meet strict height limits set for each breed of dog or cat will have to be destroyed within three months. Dogs will be forbidden from barking between the hours of 9pm and 7am. These rules are on a secret list of 378 new regulations seen by The Sun.
EU ARMY POISED TO INVADE - Daily Mail
Thousands of EU troops stand poised to invade Britain on Friday if the country votes to remain in Europe. Their first job is expected to be to welcome boatloads of immigrants as early as Saturday morning.
SCOTTISH HOPES REST WITH ICELAND - Daily Mail in Scotland
Scotland's Euro 2016 hopes now rest with Iceland as the plucky island nation face England on Monday.
Posted by: TheSnake 22nd June 2016, 06:56 PM
The Star - something about Big Brother
Posted by: Taylor Jago 23rd June 2016, 05:19 PM
The EU is poised to announce new regulations on domestic pets on Friday after the result of the referendum is declared. Any pets which do not meet strict height limits set for each breed of dog or cat will have to be destroyed within three months. Dogs will be forbidden from barking between the hours of 9pm and 7am. These rules are on a secret list of 378 new regulations seen by The Sun.
If they publish that, Franck Pavloff has grounds to sue for plagiarising Brown Morning.
Posted by: Suedehead2 23rd June 2016, 05:30 PM
And my defence would be that, as far as I know, I have never heard of either of them
Posted by: Taylor Jago 23rd June 2016, 06:10 PM
Brown Morning was a book published in 1998 in which all non-brown dogs and cats had to get killed. The protagonist has his non-brown dog killed, and replaced by a brown dog, but the government then decree that all people who have ever owned a non-brown dog or cat must be arrested. For some reason, despite not having much success upon publication, in 2002 it started becoming popular in France...
Posted by: popchartfreak 23rd June 2016, 06:41 PM
All Scottish papers
TRUMP MET WITH MEXICAN FLAGS FLYING OVER HIS GOLF COURSE
As Donald Trump visits his golf course, the residents who refused to sell their properties to him for peanuts, and who were publicly insulted individually and specifically by Trump, before having 20 foot earth walls and tree plantations erected next to them so as not to spoil the view from the golf course, put up mexican flags as a show of support against his insulting comments.
The flags can be seen from the golf course.
Courtesy CNN
Posted by: ScottyEm 25th June 2016, 06:03 PM
Daily Express.
12-year-old Caucasian girl with eye defect spotted in Burkina Faso. Is it Madeline?
Posted by: popchartfreak 25th June 2016, 07:41 PM
ALL PAPERS
TRUMP DIES AT 70
Donald Trump dies at the Golf Course in Scotland. His playing companion makes the mistake of asking him what 12 multiplied by 9 is and Trump's brain explodes under the pressure of doing two things at once.
Hillary Clinton is quoted as saying this headline is in very bad taste, as she knows Trump will be following her to the Grave and beyond muttering crooked-Hillary, and this is just playing mind-games with her Presidential hopes.
Posted by: Suedehead2 26th June 2016, 05:43 PM
EU'VE BENN FIRED - Whichever tabloid employs the worst punster.
Posted by: Suedehead2 10th July 2016, 10:38 AM
Several papers will have two potential headlines lined up for tomorrow
BRITISH TRIUMPH AT WIMBLEDON
or
SCOT MURRAY FLOPS AT WIMBLEDON
Apart from pro-indpendence papers in Scotland. They will choose from
THIS WIN IS FOR SCOTLAND, SAYS TRIUMPHANT MURRAY
or
ENGLAND-BASED MURRAY LOSES AGAIN
Posted by: Martyn 11th July 2016, 11:56 AM
Tomorrow will be on the line of May The Force Be With You with Theresa May dressed as either a good or bad person from Star Wars based on if the paper likes her.
Posted by: Suedehead2 11th July 2016, 01:47 PM
Which paper will do a composite picture accompanied by the headline MAGGIE MAY?
Posted by: popchartfreak 11th July 2016, 06:46 PM
They'll all be kicking themselves they didn't think of it before you did...
Posted by: Suedehead2 28th August 2016, 02:08 PM
This isn't a prediction, just a comment on one of today's front pages. The Mail headline claims that the government has decided to redirect some of the overseas aid budget to the "fight against terrorism". Naturally, they are all in favour of this and claim that it is another triumph for them. They also advertise a free world map for every reader. Presumably, this is to enable readers to mark the countries where people die as a result in the loss of aid.
Posted by: popchartfreak 28th August 2016, 08:19 PM
Yes, the Rags have got worse since Brexit, all puffed up with self-importance thinking their drivel-peddling tosh and lies will in some way force the government to do what they want. As we all know, the government only does what Rupert Murdoch wants, they don't pay attention to any BRITISH power-mad selfish billionaires.
Even within their own paper they contradict themselves, eg Brexit in one of the scummy rags they both said Brexit was a marvellous success already (it's not even happened yet so everything to do with the topic is pure speculation) and a few pages later that Business was having problems.
Posted by: popchartfreak 2nd September 2016, 08:08 PM
I can predict the front page of the SUN definitely WON'T be refrring to this EU response to their lame-brained populist lie-peddling simplistic anti-EU bullshit courtesy of a lame-brained ill-informed stupid or lying MP. Of course no-one else will either because it's factual, and as we know people hate facts and experts. As for the "it was a joke!" claims, well you might argue that with toasters and passport colours, but important issues like over-fishing and energy? Nah.......
LONG LIVE STUPIDITY! (the human race is SO doomed)
"The Sun runs an article on 31 August by Bill Cash MP claiming the EU has banned the use of pounds and ounces. The paper follows up by suggesting ten ways to “say up yours to the EU.” This may be intended as humour. But it repeats inaccuracies and misleading statements which seem to be widely believed and therefore are worth correcting yet again.
First, the EU has never banned pounds and ounces or other imperial measures. EU law does require metric measurements to be used – though already in 1965, eight years before joining the EEC, the Wilson Government decided to initiate the UK’s metrication programme, in response to global moves in this direction. However, EU law has always allowed imperial measures to be used alongside metric ones – as the Sun itself acknowledged at the bottom of this earlier article. Visiting any supermarket or market stall is enough to confirm this. This issue has been addressed on this blog several times, for example here, back in 2001.
The Sun proposes “having cleaner carpets by swapping weak, EU regulated vacuums for powerful ones”. In fact, consumer magazine “Which” has found that new EU rules – backed by Member States, industry and consumer groups – on the specifications for vacuum cleaners (the facts here) have led to better performance and cheaper running costs. In any case it is uncertain that vacuum cleaner manufacturers, who operate globally, would want to produce models generally considered obsolete just for UK markets.
There are no proposals on the table to introduce similar rules for hair dryers, toasters or other appliances not already covered, as referred to in two of the Sun’s helpful suggestions for saying “up yours” to the EU and as we explain here. Only if there is cast-iron scientific evidence will the Commission put forward such proposals, and in any case they would need to be agreed by Member States and the European Parliament. If such evidence were clearly established, it would remain to be seen whether the UK parliament or public – inside or outside the EU – would wish to create unnecessary pollution, environmental damage and higher electricity bills by insisting on energy guzzling appliances, even in the event that manufacturers did want to keep producing them.
Another suggestion the Sun puts forward is bringing back old-fashioned incandescent light bulbs that require changing more often and thus cost consumers more. The Sun is correct that incandescent light bulbs have been phased out in the EU, not on the basis of a high-handed bureaucratic decision but as a result of a clear mandate from elected ministers and MEPs. They have been, or are being, phased out also in the US, Canada, Switzerland, China, Australia, Brazil, Russia and many other jurisdictions. Again, we have covered this issue in earlier entries and again there does not so far seem to be any evidence that the UK – which supported the EU measures – would now want to go against this global trend.
The Sun also calls for the UK to “reclaim jam” from EU rules that stipulate it should have 60% sugar content. But the rules already allow flexibility on this. What is more, the British media – including the Sun – have previously complained about this very flexibility, saying it would “ruin British jam”! This saga is explained here.
There are no EU rules preventing the recycling of tea bags. Again this is a very old – and wrong – story.
This leaves four more ways in which the Sun believes the UK could in future deliver a resounding “up yours” to its EU friends and neighbours.
“Scrapping tough EU fishing quotas” would mean scrapping a system the UK has broadly backed, which has been successful in restoring stocks and which has also been substantially reformed in recent years in a process partly driven by the UK. It would also require international negotiations.
Removing VAT from gas and electricity might mean slightly cheaper energy bills – energy is currently subject to a 5% VAT rate in the UK, the lowest in the EU – but the revenue would need to be made up elsewhere. British business has welcomed most EU VAT rules as they combine a considerable degree of flexibility with reducing red tape.
The Sun calls for the UK to “reclaim countryside from turbines and solar panels, built to meet EU targets.” The UK has been a leading voice calling for tough EU targets. Successive governments have identified renewable energy, which now accounts for a quarter of the country’s power supplies, as a major economic and environmental opportunity.
Finally, the Home Office has said there are “no immediate plans” to bring back blue British passports. It is worth noting, too, that there are now global norms for the format of passports, based on the ISO/IEC 7810 ID-3 standard and intended to ensure universal machine readability. This standard does not cover colour but does specify a size of 125 × 88 mm (4.921 × 3.465 in) and a flexible cover, as used in EU passports. The EU format for passports complies with this and was formally agreed between EU governments, including the UK.
Posted by: Suedehead2 4th November 2016, 09:14 AM
It has been said that satire died on the day that Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Perhaps this week will be seen as the week that a thread like this was threatened with redundancy.
Earlier this week the Daily Mail led their front page with a story about lorry drivers using their mobil phones. The story was, of course, linked to the sentencing of a lorry driver at the beginning of the week after his stupidity led to four people being killed. The story could have been used to highlight the fact that lorry drivers were still using their mobiles despite this tragedy. But this is the Daily Mail. They decided that it suited their agenda more to concentrate on finding drivers of foreign-registered lorries using their mobiles and turned the whole thing into a xenophobic rant.
Not satisfied with that, today's front page declares that the judges who dared to rule that the government should abide by the law are "Enemies of the People", a headline previously used by their erstwhile friends the Nazis. To make it worse in Daily Mail-land, one of the judges formed a group of European lawyers (how dare he want to meet his foreign colleagues?) and, worse still, another one is openly gay.
Does anyone know a German man looking for a husband?
Posted by: popchartfreak 4th November 2016, 01:09 PM
If anyone is the Enemy Of the People it's all of the hypocritical liars who wish to do away with Parlaimentary democracy and allow a government to remove previous Acts Of Parliament at it's own whims. Usding the argument that "we want our freedm back" they could bring back the freedom for only rich white males to have the vote, the freedom for poor people to be disenfranchised and enslaved, and the freedom to bring back slavery, because that's what people thought they were voting for when they answered the question:
Do you wish to remain or leave the European Union"?
There were no clear instructions for ANYTHING other than leaving the EU, full stop. Everything else is subject to our democratic parliament making decisions. So, The mail, and farage, are enemies of democracy. The Judges were 100% correct in interpreting BRITISH democracy and BRITISH legal systems as they did. SO, they have shown themselves to be against any form of democracy except the laws they pick and choose to not moan about and misinform people about.
Truly loathsome and evil and anti-democratic. We are fighting for our basic democratic rights, just as the USA is....
Posted by: Taylor Jago 4th November 2016, 05:34 PM
Marriage isn't open to same-sex couples in Germany. Civil unions and domestic partnerships are, but not marriage
Posted by: Silas 4th November 2016, 06:18 PM
Today's newspaper headlines are truly vile and repulsive and if this is the country we now live in, I don't want any part of it.
Posted by: popchartfreak 5th November 2016, 06:30 PM
Tomorrow's Mail On Sunday headline:
"Hang All Judges, bring back Mobs to make legal judgements. Free burning torches for all applicants!"
The Sun On Sunday:
"Kill All Foreigners (and Judges) except rich ones and those with big tits"
Sunday Telegraph:
"Teresa May To Be Sainted. Sainthood Means Sainthood!"
Sunday Times:
"Brexiters Demand All Experts Be Brexecuted. Won't affect Journalist levels of Employment"
I may be wrong....
Posted by: Suedehead2 9th November 2016, 12:57 PM
Tomorrow's Guardian
"The Future's Bleak. The Future's Orange".
The Daily Star
"Strictly Star Seen Eating A Biscuit".
Posted by: Soy Adrián 9th November 2016, 01:54 PM
"The Future's Bleak. The Future's Orange".
"Orange is the New Black", surely?
Posted by: Suedehead2 29th October 2017, 10:45 PM
Following today's story (see The Lounge) and the first episode of Blue Planet II, I assume tomorrow's Daily Mail will lead with
"Fury as BBC shows transgender fish"
Posted by: Chop-part-freak 30th October 2017, 07:23 AM
"Fury as BBC shows transgender fish"
hah!
followed by "illegal immigrant dolphins steal British fish away from British trawlers"
or
"Quarrelsome dark walruses sat around on arses living on free ocean benefits block struggling hard-working single mother white polar bear from feeding her children"
That last one is unlikely, it's far too long and in-depth....
Posted by: Suedehead2 30th October 2017, 08:49 AM
As a side issue, it was good to hear David Attenborough confirm that Douglas Adams was right. While man has been busy inventing New York, wars and things, dolphins just muck about in the water because they enjoy it. Which is more intelligent?
Posted by: vidcapper 30th October 2017, 10:07 AM
"Fury as BBC shows transgender fish"
I assume this is the article you refer to?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5029539/Gender-bending-fish-amazes-Blue-Planet-II-viewers.html
Posted by: Chop-part-freak 30th October 2017, 01:17 PM
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5029539/Gender-bending-fish-amazes-Blue-Planet-II-viewers.html
well-spotted! I was aware as a child keeper of tropical fish that many species of fish change sex if there is a shortage of males. That must make 12-year-old me much smarter than the average Daily Mail reporter.
Nice to have it confirmed though....
Posted by: dancember 14th December 2017, 02:37 PM
Another day another controversial Daily Mail front page
:/
Posted by: Doctor Blind 14th December 2017, 06:44 PM
Yes, and the day before they were RANTING about FaceBook and Twitter encouraging abuse of Tory MPs.... er...... *Irony alert* 
Posted by: Suedehead2 14th December 2017, 08:51 PM
That's the trouble when you have to get angry about something every day. You are bound to contradict yourself occasionally.
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