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[Popchartfreak]

This is the Suedey-replacement-service Popchartfreak John drafted in to fill big chart shoes. Get well soon Suedey!

It's a 6th week on top for Clean Bandit and co, holding off the challenge from X-Factor and ex-X-Factor acts, a somewhat streaming-flattering chart position as it is down to 4 on sales. Christmas as usual yet to be determined after last years relative flop from Louisa Johnson messed-up expectations during the dark days of the Bieberblitz when we all took shelter safe in our homes.

Highest entry, following an emotional X-Factor performance after the loss of his mother tragically young, Louis Tomlinson becomes the 3rd solo One Direction act to chart, after Niall and Zayn, in at 2 with Steve Aoki. Zayn, meanwhile, teams up with one-woman media empire Taylor Swift - I'm rooting for ya Swifty! - for the Fifty Shades Darker soundtrack song I Don't Wanna Live Forever which topped the itunes chart early on in the week but ended up at 5 on sales only, or 16 on combined due to streaming not yet kicking in. I'm sure it's entirely coincidental that Ed Sheeran released a song the same week as Taylor. ZaynLor is the better track to me, by a fair bit and it sounds like a Kryptonian name so it at least has that going for it. American DJ Steve Aoki BTW has had 6 years of minor hits before cracking a big one. Can I say that? He had a fabulous big top 5 earlier this year with Walk Off The Earth, Home We'll Go. Sadly that was in my charts, not the UK charts, so he is owed a big hit in my book!

The winnerof X-Factor 2016, Maaaatt TERRY, enters at 3 with a bit of help from rentahit friendly songwriter Ed Sheeran and a specially-written winners song for the first time since That's My Goal. On old-fashioned sales-only this would be at Number One. I will reserve judgement on When Christmas Comes Around till I hear it properly (I am in the Canaries) but a) It's an Ed Sheeran ballad, and b) I wanted Saara to win, so that's a double uphill climb, though Maaaatt is very personable. On half-hearing it's got that "I'm about to blub my face off" whiny vocal style to it that young folk love so these days and older folk want to just give 'em a box of Kleenex and send to their bedroom till they stop singing like that. It may grow though, y'never know.

Little Mix haven't the decency to wait for the previous chart-topper to drop a bit before they join in the XFac performance party, hoping to get a Touch of that top 10 - but in a very busy week, for these times, they for now get stuck with 23. Meanwhile Zara Larrson seems to have a bit of a fanbase as she keeps churning out the top 40 hits. I would list them all, but truth tells (and despite buying a couple of the early ones) they all merge into a bland nice innoffensive potch of dancepop hodge. This time it's up to 12 from 21, and I for one Would Like to hear it again.

Lady Gaga's days at the top of the singles chart seem over, but she benefits from The Curse Of The Underperforming Comeback - aka 59p on itunes. I can think of a million reasons i should buy it, but I've already bought 2 better tracks off the album and got bored with them fairly quickly. Fool me once shame on Gaga, fool me thrice shame on my falling for a cheap bargain. Not worth 99p but knock off 40p... and in at 39.

I promised I wouldn't whinge about Rag'n'Bone Man being denied 2 weeks at 2 on sales-only charts thanks to streaming. That was a trendy post-truth statement. He is, though, at least top 10 again with the fab Human up to 5. There is a fab 19th century Victorian bit of slang for feeling a bit down in the dumps: Got the morbs (from morbid). I got the morbs the rag'n'bone man won't be collecting a better chart position. Let's get that phrase back in vogue bigtime!

In the usual pre-xmas deja vu, you can guarantee the same xmas songs will be peppered across the chart in the same order. This will continue until the end of time itself thanks to streaming. Mariah is as always top oldie, Pogues second, Wham 3rd, Wizzard and Shaky fighting for 4th. Happily the ever-fab Chris Rea classic joins them inside the 40 for only the 4th time in 28 years, and the 2nd year in a row. Hooray! Wizzard is on it's 10th run, I recall rushing out to spend my pocketmoney on the gatefold sleeve vinyl original when it first came out. Roy Wood was my popchart hero.

J. Cole gets a new entry at 30, and a surprising top 40 chart debut, with Deja Vu - I could have SWORN this had happened already!

Suedey always gives helpful weeks on chart stats for long runners, but i'm rounding it up to "about half the amount of chart weeks they will have by the time buzzjack hits 30 years old", as I'd rather watch paint dry than count how many weeks teens play the same songs over and over. For the record, when I was a teen, I also had my own streaming chart counting exactly how many times i heard records I had bought and any complaints will lead to me telling you exactly how many times Dancing Queen was "streamed" by me. You have been warned!

Album chart sales-rush seasonal gift-buying. It had to be Ball n Boe on top really, after a few weeks pottering around the top 3 while big acts beat them to the top and drop in week 2 or 3. Just to rub in how albums have an increasingly older profile, The Rolling Stones dtop one to 2, Elvis is big for the second year in a row at 4, and Michael Buble has 2 inside the top 10 at 7 and 8. Meanwhile Emeli, Olly, Bruno, and Robbie underperform, despite in Robbie's case having his best work in 15 years, and The Weeknd singles invasion shows his fanbase are a bit meh about forking out for, or even playing, a whole hot new album, shockingly down to 18 despite some fab tracks on it. Little Mix have done best out of younger fanbase acts, though that is relative to the market at 3, not relative to previous sales of their albums. Cherry-picking is the word for 2017, mark my word, musically and politically. One will gain power, one will be a post-truth fantasy invention. Guess which one!

As most albums for the xmas stockings are already out, there's not much in the way of new entries. Or climbs of significance. I think it's safe to assume sales eill be the highest of the year, albeit not in the same Adele-boosted league as last xmas. J. Cole is in at 21, 4 Your Eyez Only not featuring Sheena Easton's Bond theme I assume, though christmas is a good time to get a lower-than-would-have-been chart debut. Maybe he thought Old King Cole singalongs would spill over into sales? That is all....

On the sales singles chart, aka one for record buyers, Robbie Williams drops out of the top 10 to 12 - and yet is completely absent from the pre-pubescent top 40. No reason 12 year olds should like it, but their mums love it, and the record biz now officially hates mothers, you heard it here first! For the kids though Little Mix get 2 re/new entries, so the music biz also hates Mixies. How dare they! Other MIA top 40 acts: Charli XCX, Sigma, Jax Jones, Sigala, Sean Paul and just outside the 40 Leona Lewis' recent xmas classic, by far the best 21st century xmas song, and obviously loathed by Spotify as its not even in the top 75 "official" chart. Harrumph!

J. Cole is a measley 70 on sales, urban streamers not being fond of parting with money, the late grest Greg Lake is at 62 with his xmas classic, and everyone send out a loud hurrah - in the world of downloads Drake, One Dance, at 90. Like a piece of puppy poo, though, it's clinging onto the top 40 combined. I blame the Russians, obv hacking Spotify to drive us insane.

TTFN...