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[Qassändra]

God, WHAT A HEAT THAT WAS. Six out of seven moments of perfection (let's ignore that the odd one out went direkt and will be nipping at Eric Saade's heels by competing for the same One Direction rip-off vote) and a comeback that could potentially win the whole damn thing - and I mean Eurovision. Okay, we had to endure the pain of three of the best songs of the year so far going out bottom three, but when you've got the best heat in a good five years on your plate it almost feels UNGRACIOUS to complain.

Anyway, on with the rest. We've reached Melodifestivalen in full battle mode. It's back, and it's back to full brutality with the full head-to-head duels format restored. However, we're given slightly more leeway this year than we had before - rather than getting just the two qualifiers, Christer has graced us with permission for four qualifiers from the eight second chancers, making a final of 12 entries all in all. It tones down the brutality a bit, but at least we stand more of a chance of getting the fan favourites through after some of the horrors we've had to endure in previous years (I still have nightmares about the schlagercaust that was Sundsvall 2011). That said, andra chansen wouldn't be any fun if we didn't see the artists in full hand-to-hand combat with losers at the end of it - and there can be nothing more watchably humiliating than ending up as the rejects of the rejects. Keep an eye out for any duel losers slinking away after their result to put through a quick call to their bank to renegotiate those terms for that remortgage they took out to fund a series of onstage LED screens, and keep the Xanax on hold and all sharp objects away from the green room - it's the SECOND CHANCE ROUND *.*

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The metalhead versus the forehead

01: Andreas Weise - Bring Out The Fire

♫ There's nothing more I can say
I'm on my own ♫

vs

02: Linus Svenning - Forever Starts Today

♫ I realise that I can breathe again ♫

Whatever goes down here, we can't really say the final will be especially all the better for it. Last year's andra chansen horror has gone some way to redeeming himself with a modern-day Coldplay track set to an Emmelie de Forest performance, but at the end of the day this isn't really the kind of thing you watch Melodifestivalen for. But then, is a 'fun 4 straight people' light entertainment Olly Murs rendition of Let Me Entertain You bast*rdised with Say You'll Be There really something you watch the contest for either? And when the most egregious forehead this side of Rihanna is repping it for the sex appeal side, you know you've got a duell worth giving a miss. Which side are you on?

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Fat birds versus geriatrics

03: Hasse Andersson - Guld och gröna skogar

♫ It's a quiet evening
But I get no rest ♫

vs

04: Kristin Amparo - I See You

♫ Could you ever take me back? ♫

Whatever happens, the middle of the road will be happy with this one - with Kristin appealing to the radio friendly side of the MoR vote, and Hasse appealing to the traditionalists in the audience. After some initial reservations, I'm deeply in love with both, and whatever happens in this duel we've got a win - either for traditional schlager or the ballad of the year. Which side are you on?

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Pop's atomic bomb versus pop's Hiroshima

05: Dolly Style - Hello Hi

♫ BYE ♫

vs

06: Dinah Nah - Make Me (La La La)

♫ I was out in the cold
But then you came ♫

I was a mess last Saturday. Not down to anything I drank - down to my hopes of several months coming true, and the Divine Ms Nah descending to Earth to deliver us Her holy message, which as the prophesies foretold was literally UNIMPROVABLE (in its original form - its embellishment at the hands of Madame Butcher is of course exempt, though only in the same way as the Gospel required reinterpreting by Mark et al in order to make it further palatable for the flock (all requests are to be redirected to my inbox)). And so She escaped our greatest fears of a sista plats failure for our favourite 57 year old, caring not for such whims as age and bodypopping for her life - Her mane a shade of pink previously unknown to science and believed unachievable - and qualified for andra chansen, consigned here by a public too shocked by the cognitive dissonance that arose from Her presentation of a new Gospel which has immediately launched the new movement of Nahstianity (all requests are to be redirected to my inbox). That I could tolerate. What I could not tolerate was this duel.

This Saturday will see if the Swedish public is ready to accept its previous mistakes in following an incorrect gospel for the previous few centuries, but She has a kind heart and will forgive those who join Her flock. That said, She shall not look kindly upon those who betray Her for the sake of a few day-glo sluts who we all went wild for in week one. I have spent several days meditating on this painful choice, but after much thought I have come to the only obvious conclusion - that Dolly Style have clearly been sent by Beelzebub (in Saturday's performance of 'The Bible', the role of YOHIO will be played by Satan (or vice versa)) in order to prevent Her HOLY LIGHT from shining through to redeem humanity with a 17th place finish in Vienna (Nah 5:20-21, 'And so She failed onstage amidst the backing dancers and Slovakian drag queens, that our sins would be cleansed and the Holy Nah would bless us all'). Though I was onside before - they must be stopped. Pick your fucking team carefully huns.

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Socially conscious hip-hop versus consumerist trash

07: Behrang Miri och Victor Crone feat. Malena Ernman - Det rår vi inte för

♫ The whole city is in flames ♫

vs

08: Samir och Viktor - Groupie

♫ Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear ♫

I was originally going to characterise Kristin vs Hasse as 'black people versus white people' until I realised it could apply equally as much to this - god knows you wouldn't catch Samir och Viktor DEAD in Malmö - or for that matter, any self-respecting black person getting down to Groupie.

This is a really really weird one in that this duel features something totally unprecedented - an act actually changing something significant for andra chansen. Normally in Melfests past you'd get the odd case of a crap dress being thrown out and traded in for a slightly less crap dress, but so far as I can recall, we've never had anything as big as a whole new artist being bolted on to a track. Desperate old Bez must really want to get to the final, because he's got out the SOCIALLY CONSCIOUS FILOFAX and called up one of the GREAT AND GOOD as socially conscious Melodifestivalen entrants go - gay rights advocate/icon Malena Ernman, winner of MF 2009, who's agreed to come along and do a bit of wailing in the background for Behrang in the hope it bags him a few extra votes.

And lord knows he'll need them. Sadly/predictably, Groupie has become *the* Spotify hit of this year's contest so far (at least until Måns came along last weekend) and it's a bit of a shock that they didn't make it through direkt to begin with with the power of app voting - although one probably providing pleasing testament to the popular appeal of Mariette and Magnus. Walkover, right? Well, maybe not. Even the most popular of artists (Carola AGOG) have sometimes struggled with andra chansen's duel format, and why? Because unlike any other part of the contest, a vote for one song is just as much a vote against another. It's pretty hard to round up a series of tactical votes to get out someone loathsome but popular in the heats, but it's all too easy to stop someone in a head-to-head - and something tells me that despite all those streams, a good part of Sweden can't stand the idea of Groupie making it to the final. But will there be enough of them to make Behrang an unlikely finalist? Which side are you on?

-x-

PREDICT AND LOVE AWAY

ANDREAS WEISE vs LINUS SVENNING
HASSE ANDERSSON vs KRISTIN AMPARO
DOLLY STYLE vs DINAH NAH
BEHRANG OCH VICTOR vs SAMIR OCH VIKTOR