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[Slayer]

Key parts of her interview with "The Guardian".

“I was having these panic attacks out of nowhere. I couldn’t understand what was happening. It got to the point where I thought, this is too much – I need to come out of this now.”

Nelson has been calm, but starts to cry. “I did the music video and had a panic attack, and it was pretty mental that day. God, I haven’t really spoken about it and I’m getting upset. Sorry.” She brushes her tears away. “After the video I just got back in a really dark place and ended up back in hospital. That was when my mum said, ‘No more.’” The tears are still falling, and she grabs another tissue. “I had already decided. Then the girls spoke to Mum and said, ‘We think Jesy should come out of this now. She has to look after herself.’” So in the end it was their decision as much as hers? “Yeah,” she says. “Yeah. I know there are people who think I’ve let the other girls down, and that I’m so selfish, but I do think there comes a time in life when you do have to be selfish and look after yourself, and it was really affecting me mentally.”

“Certain people on my team didn’t care.” She comes to a stop. “I’m not talking about the girls. There were people on my team who knew how I was feeling and didn’t give a ****. They just weren’t bothered.” She means management? “Yep. There was an energy when I walked into a room. I felt there were certain people on my team who just didn’t want me to be there.”
I ask whether her unhappiness has made it tough for the girls over the years. “Of course. Course. We’ve all had our own problems. But it’s never nice to be around someone who’s down and doesn’t want to be there. As much as I needed to come out of it for myself, I didn’t want to keep putting three other people through that as well.”

Now Little Mix is a trio, two of whom are pregnant. Does she think the group will stay together? “I reckon they’ll look after their babies, go off and do their own things for a while, then make a comeback together. I think they’re just as sick as a three. They’re still doing it for girl power. I still love them to pieces. They were like my sisters.” Has she been in touch with them? “No, not as much. Not now. I think we all need time. It’s a big thing that’s happened.”

“What I’ve said about a million times is that I never said I’m coming out of the band to never be in the public eye again. I said I’m coming out of Little Mix because I could not deal with the pressure of being in a girl band, not that I can’t deal with the pressures of being in the spotlight or being famous.”

In May she was accused on social media of “blackfishing” – a term used to describe white people who have altered their appearance to the extent that they look racially ambiguous. “I would never want to offend anyone, and that was really upsetting. I wasn’t aware that’s how people felt.” She sounds bewildered by the allegation.

“In a group, you never really get to show off who you are because you get allocated a part. So now I’m doing this, I get to sing how I want.”

Nelson’s sent me one of her new songs called Boyz. It is R&B influenced, with an element of hip-hop thrown in for good measure (including a sample from P Diddy’s Bad Boy For Life.) In the song, co-written with producers Loose Change, she calls herself out for being attracted to bad boys.

“Part of me feels I should be single for ever because in relationships you have to sacrifice so much. I like waking up and knowing this day is just for me and I don’t need to worry about anyone but me. I’m really not looking for a relationship any more.”

Perhaps the problem is that men just aren’t that great? She beams. “I wish I liked women, I really do. I said that to my sister the other day because she’s gay. I said, ‘Jade, I wish I loved women,’ and she was like, ‘Well, just try it – you never know.’ And I said, ‘No, I love men too much.’ I just love the way men smell, I love muscles, and women don’t have that, do they?” Some do, I say. “Ha ha! I’ll never rule it out, I’ll just say that.”

For now, Jesy Nelson is going to focus on herself. “I feel you only get one shot to make your impact as a solo artist, so I’m going all guns blazing. I don’t want people to be, ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ or ‘I expected her to do that.’ I want people to be, ‘**** my life, she’s here!’”

I remind her what her bandmate Jade Thirlwall said about her becoming a broken doll. Did she recognise that? “Yes!” If she was a broken doll then, what is she now? “Now? I am a dolly that’s been put back together again. I’m not going to say I’m a new dolly; I’m not going to sit here and say, ‘Oh my God, I’m not insecure any more, I’m the most confident person ever,’ because that would be bull****.” If she’s going to stay healthy, she says, it is vital that she’s honest with herself – and her fans.“I still have my insecurities and I probably always will, but it’s learning how to deal with them and accepting them. I still have days when I get down, but I’m definitely not broken. That’s for sure.”

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This post has been edited by Slayer: 21st August 2021, 11:11 AM