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Sweden
Frans - If I Were Sorry

THE TIME HAS COME.

Everybody's (bar Ryan) favourite national final of the year is ALMOST over for a year and it's a very emotional time for us all. In the time we've been presented to 28 of Sweden's best offerings for Eurovision, we've seen Denmark throw away forum favourite Simone at the expense of a poor man's Take That, poor Margaret was unceremoniously disposed of by the Poles and San Marino... the less said about them the better. But, now it's down to the country that REALLY matters.

It's been another very strong year for Melodifestivalen if I do say so myself, maybe not so much for the fans of schlager, who well and truly saw the final nail thrown into the coffin that has been sinking for a couple of years now. We may look back on 2016 retrospectively as the year it died, or maybe we won't, who knows? Ask Moopy.

Instead, it's been the takeover of the young lot - our oldest finalist is 33, Ace Wilder and David Lindgren. Both of whom would like to have us believe they're about 24 year old, what with Lindgren still acting like Aldi's reply to Danny Saucedo but coming off with all the swagger and star quality of a presenter for CBeebies.

THE FOLLOWING PART IS COPIED FROM TIRREN'S COMMENTARY LAST YEAR AS HE CAN EXPLAIN IT MUCH MORE ELOQUENTLY THAN I COULD EVER WISH TO:

So, here's how the final works. After the performances, the juries CONVENE, with half the vote in the final going to the 11 international juries (primarily composed of music professionals in the countries taking it a bit more seriously, or a group of about six Euroqueens in the others - keep your eyes out for some MINCING VOTES from Royaume-Uni). They all deliver their votes, and then the public vote reopens - leaving a wide berth for tactical voting against a divisive favourite which has underperformed at the jury stage (as YOHIO and Robin Stjernberg can testify to in 2013, or even Ace Wilder and Sanna last year). Then, with 473 points up for grabs in the public phone and app vote, each act gets points in proportion to how many votes they received - so an act with 10% of the vote gets 47 points, an act with 20% gets 95 points (due to rounding), and so on and so forth. With a good million televotes being made at minimum, and at least a few million app votes certain split across 12 acts, any act with over 20% of the vote will be contending for victory, and if they clear the 25% barrier (c. 300-400k televotes) they're probably on for a landslide (also, with so many acts competing, keep an eye out for the acts playing to a niche that none of the other acts cover).

And without further ado, it's time to look at our TWELVE. Yes, twelve for the second year in a row, finalists.


01. Panetoz - Håll Om Mig Hårt
(Jimmy Jansson, Karl-Ola Kjellholm, Jakke Erixson, Pa Modou Badjie, Njol Badjie, Nebeyu Baheru)

QUITE THE STARTER. Fresh from knocking cuntface Molly out of their heat in style (one would imagine, seeing as Molly's heart didn't even begin to go mental for a single second of their battle), Panetoz reach their second final, with a much better song in Hall Om Mig Hart, and with their white male looking ever so much less like a knob for reasons that don't involve his skin colour.

It's not really what we look to Melodifestivalen for and we'll probably never listen to it again once this contest ends but it's certainly going to be a party to kick off this final and judging by its placing on Spotify currently, perhaps this could be a bigger threat with the televoting than we're expecting? A winner it's not, but it might not be propping up the rest of the leaderboard quite the way Efter Solsken did. The odds are really quite baffling.

ODDS • 100/1 (11th)
iTUNES • #7
SPOTIFY • #4
CHARTS • #5


02. Lisa Ajax - My Heart Wants Me Dead
(Linnea Deb, Joy Deb, Anton Hård af Segerstad, Nikki Flores, Sara Forsberg)

In the absolute death spot, it's poor Lisa Ajax who quite clearly never stood a chance at challenging for the title anyway and is probably quite lucky she was able to make it through the final cleanly, as the song seems much less popular than Kizunguzungu from the same semi and she'd probably have struggled Isa-style in an Andra Chansen situation. But never the less, Melodifestivalen's 'lite' version of Zara Larsson made it through with this rousing ballad which personally has gone on to become one of my favourites.

It says a lot about the strength of this year that a song like My Heart Wants Me Dead would be an absolute killer for any other nation but it's going to go by pretty ignored in this Melodifestivalen especially from its placing. But hey, we'll almost definitely see her back next year, it's like looking at Isa minus the blatant plagarism and at someone who could probably successful reverse Isa's strategy, by knocking out a poppers o'clock ADELEN BANGER in Melodifestivalen 2017 that really knocks our socks off. Also, preferably minus the toilet paper back drop.

ODDS • 40/1 (7th)
iTUNES • #21
SPOTIFY • #13
CHARTS • #13


03. David Lindgren - We Are Your Tomorrow
(Anderz Wrethov, Sharon Vaughn, Gustav Efraimsson)

NOW FOR THE ONE YOU ALL FORGOT EVEN MADE IT TO THE FINAL. And seemingly so did Sweden, who will be rudely awakened by this theatre baffoon over performing every inch of a very 'okay' track on Saturday night. Speaking of songs that totally rip off another and make it straight to the final, we have a track torn straight from the songbooks of Axwell & Ingrosso performing 3rd in the 12. Three minutes that will be completely forgotten by the time the gays and children are mincing Kizunguzungu style just moments later, and will be even more of a distant memory after Ace's boxes, Molly's smoke, Robin's eyes, Samir & Viktor's internal organs etc.

I'd write more but quite frankly, when there's 8 songs that aren't quite such non-entities to come, I shan't bother.

ODDS • 80/1 (11th)
iTUNES • #51
SPOTIFY • #35
CHARTS • #32


04. SaRaha - Kizunguzungu
(Anderz Wrethov, Sara ”SaRaha” Larsson, Arash Labaf)

Cast your minds back to November when we found out which heavyweights were going to be competing for the Melodifestivalen crown. If we'd told you a song called KIZUNGUZUNGU sung by a Tanzanian nobody called Saraha would be the stealing more attention from the Swedish public than both Ace Wilder and Molly Sanden's offering, you absolutely would not believe it. And now that I've seen and heard the song, I still can't believe it but I'm trying to keep my opinions somewhat at bay.

The track has rocketed into the top 5 of Sweden's charts simply by adding a key change to Waka Waka/Haba Haba, although fair play to her, she hasn't been gifted with much more than a shit pixie cut and a few dancers prancing around but her own fun spirit and stage presence has made this song one of the breakout successes. Does it stand a chance of winning? No. Will it probably be somewhat caned by the juries? Presumably. But, hey, she probably thought she was going to 6th in Heat 3 with a bullet so anything is a bonus now.

ODDS • 50/1 (9th)
iTUNES • #3
SPOTIFY • #2
CHARTS • #4


05. Oscar Zia - Human
(Oscar Zia, Victor Thell, Maria Smith)

Much like Panetoz, it's Oscar's second venture into the Melodifestivalen final however unlike the five clowns, Oscar has very much changed his formula for success. Vocally, his formula is very much still very shaky and reliant on backing vocals but song wise, he's gone a lot darker and serious taking inspiration from a more Depeche Mode-esque kind of sound rather than Austin Mahone & N'Sync. The song apparently has a big off stage connection with him because he's gay and of course, it's very important to remind Melodifestivalen, a contest connected to Eurovision, that gays are human. Really, groundbreaking stuff.

It'll probably fair better for him than Yes We Can, as this time he isn't having any of his votes eaten up by many male ballads, especially not ones that are quite so powerful and in your face as this. The poor boy looks like he's gonna pop a vein in his neck with all that faux-emotion and struggle he's got in him. We'll have to hope so for his sake as he has no TESS FROM ALCAZAR around this time to console him this time, womp womp.

ODDS • 12/1 (5th)
iTUNES • #11
SPOTIFY • #14
CHARTS • #11


06. Ace Wilder - Don't Worry
(Joy Deb, Linnea Deb, Anton Hård af Segerstad, Ace Wilder, Behshad Ashnai)

Going into the contest as one of the favourites to win and off the back of the behemoth that is Busy Doin' Nothin, the hype and expectation surrounding Ace's second appearance was pretty high, especially seeing that she was reunited with the Debs and Anton Le Kid, the same team behind her first entry. SADLY, we weren't quite delivered a song of the same calibre I think most people would agree, but this time they've absolutely thrown the budget at her with probably the best stage performance of the night.

She made it through her first heat without much worry but I would say performing so early in the weeks has allowed many other songs after it to stick in the public's heads a lot better. There's no chance that she's going to win this, poor girl, but Little Miss Relatable will certainly bring a necessary dose of fun following a rather intense Zia.

ODDS • 33/1 (6th)
iTUNES • #10
SPOTIFY • #22
CHARTS • #20


07. Robin Bengtsson - Constellation Prize
(Bobby Ljunggren, Henrik Wikström, Mark Hole, Martin Eriksson)

DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYES. We may have been sniggering at him back in November because of his laughably awful song title (Swedes, don't try and do English funny!) but he emerged from Heat One as the definite winner contender, much more so than fellow qualifier Ace Wilder. His Kygo-esque track, complete with a harmonic that he absolutely needs to ditch tomorrow night, sounds completely contemporary and would slot in a top 10 anywhere in the world with erase if it was given a push.

Many of us weren't sure when it was being dubbed as the winner if it was quite enough but this is proof to be CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR because look what we're bloody stuck with now. If anybody is going to upset Frans on the night, you'd probably say it's going to be this guy. Sidenote: don't EVER watch the Constellation Prize video if you want to remain with the thought that this song is good fun, because it will mentally bore you to tears harder than If I Were Sorry ever could and you'll probably have nightmares about this guy and his deep stares into your soul.

ODDS • 15/2 (4th)
iTUNES • #4
SPOTIFY • #3
CHARTS • #2


08. Molly Sanden - Youniverse
(Molly Sandén, Danny Saucedo, John Alexis)

She should've known this wasn't going to go her way the minute she roped in her FOREVER THE BRIDESMAID boyfriend Danny Saucedo in, shouldn't she? R MOL went into the contest as the hot favourite to make her way to Eurovision, even given the coveted "last song in Heat 4" place that has been gifted to so many of the best tracks in past years but the wheels have definitely fallen off Sanden's momentum, much like Wilder but not quite as dramatic. Also not helped that she was completely overshadowed in her semi by the likely winner of the whole thing, it hasn't quite gone to plan.

It's been quite widely criticised for being a little bit too close to Euphoria and you really can't deny it, from the structure to the production and the pretty eery performance. Lightning doesn't strike twice and it almost certainly isn't going to do so for Molly this time but, hey she tried. And in my eyes, she wins anyway because she'll probably go home and have great commiseration sex with her god of a boyfriend, so hey it's not all lose/lose.

ODDS • 6/1 (3rd)
iTUNES • #17
SPOTIFY • #11
CHARTS • #8


09. Boris Rene - Put Your Love On Me
(Boris René, Tobias Lundgren, Tim Larsson)

Back to songs that don't stand a cat in hells chance of putting up anything considered a 'fight', Boris should count himself pretty lucky he's managed to get himself into this place in the final given he looks like a definite top 3. But sandwiched in between Molly's dark number and Frans' borefest, at least his soulful number will add a bit of fun into the mixture as his budgetless number is undeniably one of the most catchy and infectious tracks in the final, regardless of your opinion on it.

I was quite shocked to find out looking at this that Boris is actually only 24 as I would've been pretty certain he'd retired from playing football at the age of about 37. And that's all I have to say on this non-hoper.

ODDS • 125/1 (12th)
iTUNES • #9
SPOTIFY • #17
CHARTS • #18


10. Frans - If I Were Sorry
(Oscar Fogelström, Michael Saxell, Fredrik Andersson, Frans Jeppsson Wall)

ODDS • 2/5 (1st)
iTUNES • #1
SPOTIFY • #1
CHARTS • #1

This odious little tosspot is probably going to win and I will let you all fire out the expletives that this commentary would otherwise be littered in for me, come 9pm on Saturday evening. Also, shut the f*** up Joseph.


11. Wiktoria - Save Me
(Jens Siverstedt, Lauren Dyson, Jonas Wallin)

Another song here that COULD potentially spoil the Frans party, in the form of another NOBODY up until Melodifestivalen 2016, it's anti-Tresseme advert Wiktoria. Bringing a lot a cute country-meets-pop number merged together with a completely unrelated and ridiculously over-thought stage gimic of a projection catsuit, she has become one of this years favourites and undoubtedly one of Christer's faves, missing no opportunity to try and hand out a hint to Sweden that THIS IS THE ONE!!1

It seems like it's the year of the simplicity (well, in the song at the very least), neither this or Frans particularly throw the iamspamspamamisink at you in terms of what their songs have to offer, as opposed to Wiktoria's shrieking vocals (where is Jessie J to remind us of LIGHT AND SHADE NOW THEN?!), but this has definitely captured Sweden's hearts and I'd hazard a guess this is probably going to be a jury favourite so you never know, this could be the Robin to Frans' YOHIO on the night. Probably not but you never know.

ODDS • 5/1 (2nd)
iTUNES • #8
SPOTIFY • #8
CHARTS • #10


12. Samir & Viktor - Bada Nakna
(Fredrik Kempe, David Kreuger, Anderz Wrethov)

Now, obviously if I had it my way, we'd be sending these two to Stockholm in a heartbeat but I realise as ever with these boys, I lay alone in such view. Ending the final in one hell of an anthemic fashion, we have Samir & Viktor who pushed their way through Andra Chansen for the second year in a row, charming the viewers with their washboard abs so much that they had the young girls and gays hammering their APP HEARTS in much the same way they want the boys to hammer them. They equally have the MELODIFESTIVALEN PURISTS crying out in disgust that two boys who probably don't give two shits about Eurovision and have simply come here for another chart hit and an extra few thousand Instagram followers, have won over the public for the second year in a row.

But regardless of your opinion on the boys and knowing that they probably don't stand much of a chance of winning this, the song has become one of the biggest chart hits of the year. It went where Groupie hadn't managed and bagged the boys a #1 in the Sverigetopplistan and until Frans came along, they were the resounding streaming success of the year which is pretty much their goals fulfilled. Will they be performing in their boxers in Stockholm, bathing naked in Sergels Torg? Nah, but it'll be a good closer to another great year for Melodifestivalen.

ODDS • 50/1 (8th)
iTUNES • #5
SPOTIFY • #7
CHARTS • #3

_____

The final begins at 7pm and 80% of us with doubtless be weeping come 9pm so let's enjoy the next 24 hours and speculate with odd glimours of hope while we can!

ALSO A BIG THANKS TO TIRREN FOR DOING THESE THREADS FROM HEAT 1-4 ASWELL, ALWAYS MUCH APPRECIATED AND LOVED. <3