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[Qassändra]

I'd pretend to be shocked, but really I'm not at all. For the third year in a row, the third heat was the most heartbreaking of them all - 2013 brought us the stillbirth of Janet Leon's disco wigout and Amanda Fondell's post-Idol career; 2014 brought the final demise of Shirley Clamp and Alban och Folcker; 2015 brought pure pop injustice, as Ellen Benediktson made a run from acoustic borepop to threatening electro slutpop and was exterminated at the hands of the KKK and 'tonight Matthew, I'm doing Shake It Off!'. Still, the 17 year olds among us probably made it three for three on perfect results this year - but oh, how I'm mourning for that corset.

So loves, we're pulling into the end of MF 2015. Christ that was quick. I have to say, so far I'm not totally bowled over by this year - the results have generally seen the best of a mediocre bunch get through - but for my PINK POUND we've got a few all-time classics already, and lord knows we've needed a final as good as the one we've got waiting for us next month for a while now. That said, the line-up we've got this week could pretty much make or break the year as a whole, and the descriptions we've got already promise the best one out of the four we've had, so I've got my CUNT CROSSED loves - and that ISN'T just for the two contestants I've had my hopes staked on for a good three months now. LET US MINCE


01: Midnight Boy - Don't Say No
Text och musik: Johan Krafman, Kristofer Östergren och Olle Blomström
Best known for: Lobbing his WOO-WOO out in music videos
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 7.00 / 6/1 / 7th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 81.00 / 80/1

Send an URGENT TELEGRAM to your 80s queens - we've GOT AN 80s QUEEN

The first slot of the fourth heat has become something of a TRADITIONAL SLOT in the last five contests, each time going to a RENOWNED act pleasing queens the wrong side of 40, and until last year each time BREAKING THE HEARTS of queens the wrong side of 40. Charlotte Perrelli, Army of Lovers, Melody Club - all acts huge in their time, brought low by the vagaries of lyrical recall, homophobia, or an unforgiving Swedish voting public (mostly the latter, but I cling to the former).

UNTIL LAST YEAR. Alcazar DESCENDED STAGE DISCOBALL, doubted even by MY FAIR SELF, and single-handedly rewrote the rule book, defying the norm of introducing heat four with failure and rollicking the ingénues following them to win the heat with gusto with their reheated gaypop. So with the curse lifted, and for the first time since MF was revamped, we're opening with a DÉBUTANTE - albeit one playing to the EXACT same audience as all the others *.*

Until now Midnight Boy's been a very underground type act, being known (if at all) for lobbing his widge out in public in music videos with pretty left-field electropop accompanying LA VISAGE (the electropop has invariably been better than said widge, but god loves a trier). Okay, he looks a bit like Ed Balls has gone (and lost) twenty rounds with a bottle of bleach and a hairdryer, but who gives a f*** if he looks like a bulldog if the music is potentially that good? And CHRIST KNOWS Boy George wasn't much of a looker either

Anyway, queeny old Boy here's fronting a HERITAGE track written by some top-notch producers (including one of Melody Club), and the word is that even though this bitch has only got love from Calvin Harris rather than living through it the first time round (not that you'd know from the WITHERED FACE), he's paying full tribute to the decade he was born in with a DEAD OR ALIVE pastiche. Hold on to the railings loves - it's either going direkt or failing miserably, but either way we're in for a SHOW TO REMEMBER *.*


02: Caroline Wennergren - Black Swan
Text och musik: Nicklas Eklund, Joel DeLuna och Aimee Bobruk
Best known for: Finishing 5th in MF 2005 with bossa nova dirge A Different Kind of Love
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 3.50 / 5/2 / 4th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 26.00 / 25/1

Picture the scene. Heat 4, Melodifestivalen 2005. Going by the typical Buzzjack MF-watching demographic, you're either closeted in your early teens or not alive yet, but we'll ignore that for now. You've just been exposed to such marvels as Anne-Lie Rydé's FORTY FOOT FEATHER BOA OF SHAME and Mathias Holmgren and Rickard Engfors powering the entire 2005 Atlantic hurricane season with toxic levels of onstage homosexuality, before needing a cigarette after Nanne Grönvall basically reinvented entire notions of what rock could DO AND MEAN at Melodifestivalen, holding out an olive branch from the genre to a whole generation of Swedish homosexuals who would later go on to be betrayed by the likes of, well, Neverstore.

But WAIT, RUSH BACK IN from that cigarette loves, some 19 year old Brazilian black girl who just won STARS IN THEIR EYES as an Ella Fitzgerald impersonator is ABOUT TO ENTER MELODIFESTIVALEN

And HERE SHE DESCENDS TO SAVE US ALL WITH A POP BANGER



Oh. What the FUCK WAS THAT?!

And not only that, it WENT TO THE FINAL AND FINISHED THIRD ON TELEVOTES. And it was the worst of all worlds: not only did it do so WELL, it also didn't do WELL ENOUGH - a mere 4,000 votes more and it would've overtaken Martin Stenmarck on televotes, robbing him of 22 points and sending OUR GRAND MILITANT SCHLAGER DAME Nanne to Kiev for that year's Eurovision. I'm eternally grateful I wasn't following Melodifestivalen at the time, because I reckon I'd have been put off RIGHT THERE AND THEN

Okay, I've kind of come around to A Different Kind of Love in the meantime - it's almost ENTRANCINGLY vile in how uncompromising it is, but I can't exactly say OLD CAZ has been on my wishlist for returnees. Anyway, ten years on (and not even in her THIRTIES YET!) old Cazza here is back with something she's probably been submitting to the MF entry juries every year since 2007 (although I can't deny the title doesn't have me giggling like a schoolgirl *Caroline enters stage to deliver three minute bossa nova psychological thriller as ballerina*). Pretty much every veteran MF queen will be left ASTOUNDED if this is fabulous, so it's pretty much a no-lose entry - if it's dreadful, we all saw it coming, and if it's fabulous it's probably the making of a terrific heat. Let's not get our hopes up TOO MUCH (though I'm looking forward to doing this in drag to troll my Svenska queens at the Duke of York).


03: JTR - Building It Up
Text och musik: JTR (John Andreasson, Tom Lundbäck, Robin Lundbäck), Erik Lewander och Iggy Strange Dahl
Best known for: Finishing 7th in X Factor Australia in 2013
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 2.10 / 11/10 / 2nd
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 11.00 / 10/1

I'm too old for this shit.


04: Hasse Andersson - Guld och gröna skogar
Text och musik: Anderz Wrethov, Elin Wrethov, Johan Bejerholm och Johan Deltinger
Best known for: Dansband/country veteran 80s star
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 4.00 / 3/1 / 5th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 51.00 / 50/1

Dansband (the melodic country/rock n roll hybrid precursor to the schlager genre) is another of the pillars this dear contest was built on over the last sixty years, albeit one which hasn't had a great deal of success recently. With the exception of En riktig javla schlager, since Thorleifs went out in 2009's andra chansen with balls-out dansband romp Sweet Kissin' In The Moonlight it's been a proper drought for the genre in terms of both entries AND success. Hasse here's planning to change that, hooking up with the writer behind Insomnia (!) to make a comeback as the DANSBAND SAVIOUR, having in his time scored massive hits with, amongst other things, songs about his dead dog (!!). I'd probably be on board if this were by a woman, but as it goes your mileage may vary. Can Hasse join the veterans revival so far this year?


05: Dinah Nah - Make Me (La La La)
Text och musik: Dinah Nah, dr alban, Jakke Erixson och Karl-Ola Kjellholm
Best known for: She AIN'T
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 2.38 / 11/8 / 3rd
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 34.00 / 33/1

I'm sorry bitches, but you should ALL KNOW that if there's one thing that'll get me A'FOAMIN' AT THE GUSSET, it's a GERIATRIC OLD MOO popping it and locking it (and by 'it' I mean her hip socket) with the best of the teen bitches to some PRIME SLUTPOP. And if there's ONE THING that's got me A'FOAMIN' at aforementioned GUSSET, it's QUEEN DINAH NAH (pronounced as three syllables: DEE/NAH/NAH - substitute as appropriate QUEENAH NAH).

There's only so much my evangelism and hyperbole can say. I'll let the following two videos SPEAK THE FAITH:





Apart from the joys of a 47 year old who looks like Nicola Sturgeon as envisaged by a Drag Race contestant GOING EGYPTIAN and donning a hugely unflattering black wig, along with the joys of a total nobody embarking on a SERIOUS MISSION of self-promotion to get people to learn her nonsensical/iconic name by dropping it at every moment in her tracks, the music is DROP DEAD FUCKING FABULOUS in all its B-rate 2004 Europop glory.

This is the shit I live for from Melodifestivalen kids, and if that wasn't all then QUEENAH has roped in last year's KING OF ROPE - the one and only DOCTOR ALBAN (medical accreditation uncertain but I would allow him to operate on me out of SHEER FAITH) - and the writers behind Bedroom last year. She's bringing the HARD CLUB track that's going to have me losing my shit like I've been at a G party for 72 hours solid, and frankly I can't envisage a place where this will finish on Saturday that would make it anything other than instantly iconic - direkt, AC, busting or dead last will all feel deeply appropriate for this, and even sixth will have enough of a note of 'well, you tried' tragedy to send Queenah into my heart for eternity. Can we even dare to hope Dinah Nah will survive to drop her name again past this week?


06: Annika Herlitz - Ett andetag
Text och musik: Amir Aly, Maciel Numhauser, Robin Abrahamsson, Sharon Dyall och Sharon Vaughn
Best known for: Dame of the stage who did the singing voice for Elsa in Sweden's version of Frozen
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 7.00 / 6/1 / 6th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 34.00 / 33/1

The rumours of a Charlotte Perrelli return were SADLY OVERBLOWN, but thankfully for our luck OLD ANNIE HAIRLIP here's bringing Charl's face along for the ride.

Annika here was the voice of Elsa in the Swedish redub of Frozen last year. Yep - you know exactly what you're getting here. The only question will be whether the musical theatre/schlager ballad formula works as well onstage as it does in the most successful animated musical of all-time, although lord knows Annika will be starting out with a hell of a lot of goodwill anyway. Vox is the order of the day - she's also starred alongside Charlotte in the stage version of Evita in Sweden, so she's got the chops that should ensure a crowd-pleasing performance. Is it enough for direkt, or will Annika be screaming the house down next week opposite Kristin?


07: Måns Zelmerlöw - Heroes
Text och musik: Anton Malmberg Hård af Segerstad och Joy & Linnea Deb
Best known for: MF veteran of the 00s, finishing top five twice
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 1.13 / 1/8 / 1st
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 3.00 / 2/1 (second favourite to win)

Team Otter: it's time.

The pimp slot of the entire contest has been much abused in the last six contests. Since Malena's triumph in 2009 with the sanity-defying schlager-opera anthem that was La voix, each subsequent year has seen Christer's favourite plonked in the final slot of Melodifestivalen only to drown in its overblown hubris. Peter Jöback whining through ten key changes of musical theatre pastiche; Love Generation alienating a nation as a group of nobodies on a RedOne knock-out; Danny Saucedo recycling Without You a year too late; Ulrik Munther oddly going on to be more of an inspiration than the track ever warranted with overblown faux-epic Tell The World I'm Here; Anton Ewald justly embarrassing himself in front of a nation with gospel-EDM bast*rd Natural: each in their own way a track that made total sense as the show-stopper of each year's Melfest, yet in the same way felt bizarrely disappointing and totally unworthy of victory compared with the majesty of curtain-closers of years past: stand up La Voix, Evighet, and of course, Hero.

In a year that feels like the first clawback for the Melodifestivalen veteran in a very, very long time, it's only appropriate that this year's show-closer should go to one of the contestants who perfectly blends the mix of the contest's old and new in a way only his closest rival this year, Eric Saade, has matched since: Måns Zelmerlöw.

I don't really need to explain Måns' appeal that much: it's telling that despite him totally predating Buzzjack's mass interest in Melodifestivalen, his two MF entries both made it to the final of Super Melodifestivalen last year on this forum with relatively little effort, but I'll give you a bit of backstory anyway.

Fresh from a successful stint on Idol 2006, Måns' first attempt at MF stardom coincided with Fredrik Kempe concluding that as a bald, overweight man in his forties, his dream of going to Eurovision as a star solo act in his own right was pretty unrealistic (not that it stopped Roger Pontare, but that kind of act was never really Kempe's forté). So, he turned his talent for pop songwriting to the most successful formula Melodifestivalen has ever seen, and pretty much the only one that is a guarantee in every year since it was conceived - the schlager twink fronting a devastatingly simple pop track written by Kempe, each with a knockout hook and inevitably in the top five of each given MF year. Legal restrictions forbid me to explain any further what went on behind the scenes, but years of therapy and deadened eyes have been worth it for hours of last.fm playcounts and the odd Eurovision third place finish/andra chansen for Kempe's chosen boys.

And Måns was the first to lay down the template, with absolute max track Cara mia - which finished third and went on to be the breakout pop hit of MF 2007, setting things up for an inevitable comeback with a killer mix of boy next door good looks, obvious star quality, clear performing chops and superb material. Måns didn't quite manage to win the fight the following year to front Kempe's crowning glory Hero (and we should be thankful - competent he may be, but no way in hell would Måns have managed to nail the money note or the sheer do-or-die desperation that Charlotte's reading brought to the greatest pop track of all time), but his hugely anticipated comeback with Hero rewrite Hope and Glory in 2009 entered the contest as the initial prohibitive favourite. And you can see why - an extra two years of stage experience had transformed Måns into Sweden's pre-eminent pop performer. Six years on, I imagine the way his perf leaves me must be how all those 14 year old girls feel watching Linus Svenning - a mix of awe, thrill, and a general sense that he frankly needs to be giving me his children this damned instant (the second chorus with the co-ordinated choreography with the BEVY OF WHORES still ranks as one of my favourite MF moments of all time).

However, despite storming the heat and the jury vote in the final, the public didn't quite get on board (the Hero comparisons probably rang a little too true), and poor Måns went out fifth in the televote and birthed one of the all-time great FACES OF HATE at having a big career setback in front of a viewing audience of 4 million (with love to ADAM for sourcing the following)



So, Måns has been out of the pop game for a while, but he's still kept up appearances - hosting MF in 2010 and various summer music festivals in Sweden in the years since, getting his arse out for QX Gay-galan last year to make amends for a mild homophobia scandal (HOW COULD YOU MÅNS) and a flop EP. So, to truly make penance for his sins and his flops, he's re-entered the contest that made his name.

He isn't back with schlager. But as one of the great performers of the MF stage, that doesn't matter too much. We're due a cross between Avicii, Guetta, and Tell The World I'm Here (yep, again). It sounds like it's going to be a repeat of every show-closer for the last three years - but I'm holding out hope for Team Otter, because if there's anyone who can sell a perf to me, it's old Måns 'MY OVARIES' Z. But after a rapturous reception for Jon Henrik and Mariette, will the rivalry with Saade even register in the public's consciousness? We'll find out.

-x-

Thursday: Reviews of the rehearsals with thirty second clips of the performances. Needless to say if they're that short, take any impressions with a silo of salt - unless they're obviously Hero-level quality and going to change our lives in which case SET HYPERBOLE TO 11
Friday: Reviews of the second rehearsal and the notoriously hit-or-miss results of the 'gen-rep' poll of audience members at the rehearsals
Saturday: In the afternoon 2:30 clips of the songs are uploaded to SVT. A livestream of the heat will start at 7pm GMT on svt.se/melodifestivalen

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