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[brian91]

The US President responds to criticism that his administration is doing nothing to halt climate change with a seven-pronged plan

Hi. As we face the manifest danger of the future with unopened hope, it is time now to respond carefully to all your fears. That's why myself and my team of scientific advisers have dedicated this space to providing answers to great questions of science that have haunted man since the dawn of the past few months.

Q. Should we be doing something about global warming?
A. No. Because we're not the problem. Studies by my scientists have shown that there is a growing threat to our well-being from the sun. It is therefore up to the sun to back down from its reckless posturing. We will make every effort to put pressure on it to do so, using military force if necessary. The sun doesn't scare me. I fully intend to go about my business at noon every day, without a hat.

Q. Should we have a summit to agree a plan to cut carbon emissions?
A. No. Summits involve lots of air flights, which are bad for the environment. The recent Stern report was more than 700 pages long, which is bad for the rainforests.

Q: What's the answer to this?
A: Summit farms. Farms in the local community that grow small summits. Some people might say that this is impossible. But I say that nothing is impossible with my team of scientists. People said the balloon was impossible; now look around you and what d'you see? Balloons everywhere!

Q: Should we rethink air travel?
A: Of course. And my scientists are making progress on a new science that can do this. As you know, at the time of Judgment, at the End of All Things, the righteous and born-again will be lifted up bodily into Heaven in a religious phenomenon known as the Rapture. We're working on ways of harnessing this immense source of lifting-up power to see if it can be used to lift up planes without the use of fuel. Clearly, there's a long way to go before Rapture Flights are fully operational, but I've a good feeling we'll get there.

Q: Until then, what should we do about flying?
A: Keep flying. If we stopped flying, we'd have to take boats. And more boats on the sea would lead to a dramatic rise in the sea level. I've asked my scientists to come up with conclusions that show this.

Q: Do you agree that if we don't do anything to halt global warming, the world's economy will shrink by 20 per cent?
A: No. As things get worse, there will be more Hollywood disaster movies being made and this can only be good for the economy. There will, naturally, come a tipping point where the types of disaster recreated by the special effects in the films is actually nicer than what's happening in reality. At this point, the films will become aspirational, which can only be a good thing.
When things get really bad, a whole new genre of Hollywood film will emerge, called Lack of Disaster Movies. In them, heroes such as Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt will fight to stop entire cities being engulfed by boredom because weather patterns are consistent and under control. CGI grass will be everywhere. It will be an urban nightmare.

Q: So, if things get really bad, what should we do other than panic?
A: Walk it off. Walking is good for you. I walk every day and it always makes me feel better. I think if we got every living creature to walk a couple of miles a day, we'd all perk up and not feel so hot. I'm asking my scientists to keep thinking like this.