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> DEPRESSION ¤ take two
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Cucumberella
post Aug 12 2014, 03:59 PM
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EVERYDAY EUPHORIA
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This topic has indeed been done before, but I thought it would be good to restart this in the wake of the horrible news regarding Robin Williams, which is prompting a lot of people to seek help and spread awareness about depression on a scale unlike I've ever personally seen on social media. Also regarding the suicide thread becoming quite relevant I thought it would be good to get to the core of what is usually a constant throughout many suicides.

Buzzjack has shown to be a marvellous outlet for people who are struggling with many life problems without fear of judgement, and I would urge anyone in a dark place to use either this thread / PM etc to get in touch with us so that we can support one another when you feel like you can't turn to anyone else. It would also be great for anyone who has or is suffering from depression to share their story to take the weight off, maybe just to reassure that they aren't alone, or maybe even offer some advice on what helped you get through it.

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I spose I better start the ball rolling and get this off my chest because last night I snapped a little bit in my head so I think it would be good to just lift a weight. A few people have picked up on the fact I'm overly mediating / avoid confrontation like the plague / am a bit silly for no good reason and I just thought it would be better maybe to be honest, and say that I've suffered with depression for quite a long time. Maybe unresponsibly I've also avoided medication and counselling (counselling I have tried when I was younger but it the counsellor omg she just wanted to talk about herself for the entire time so I felt like maybe she should've seen one) so my automatic go to is humour. When I was younger I was quite heavily bullied and dealt with unnecessary confrontation on a daily basis all the way through my teens so I get very very uncomfortable around people arguing because it takes me back to that feeling and puts me in an instantly bad place. I try to live in a positive frame of mind and help other people / talk to as many people as I possibly can because it helps not only them, but myself, and I love that feeling of being able to understand someone the way I never was when I was younger (which I assume was why I was bullied, everyone just thought I was really strange and no-one bar a couple wanted to get to know me). I guess it's good for my soul to try and put positive vibes out into the world because the world loves to laugh.

Recently my depression has been quite bad which I think has made the humour / the 'cakes n rainbows' thing even more prevalent, and I think I'm at that point in my life where I'm really unsure of everything and myself, so I've sunk to I think my lowest low in a long long time. It's quite hard to fight your demons with low self-esteem but I guess I just find that humour manages to both blanket and heal some of the pain. I just got quite a shock reading about Robin Williams and how he used humour to make everyone else laugh and then finding quite a lot of parallels between him and myself (and I know that a lot of people in the world do the same as well), and I just don't want that to be my future.

I know I'm being quite self-indulgent by ranting about myself but usually I am an extremely private person, I don't really like people to know my emotions and I think I bottle it up completely - not being able to tell friends (I tried talking to my mum the other night but it wasn't a very pleasant nor fruitful discussion). I guess I just want to lay all my cards on the table because it'll help relieve some of the pressure and maybe people will understand why I do what I do, because I'm obviously not doing a very good job of hiding it recently.

I hope anyone who suffers can use this thread to maybe talk it out and lift some of the pressure off too.
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_____
post Aug 12 2014, 04:01 PM
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I like it slow
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I'll talk about this later.

Sorry to hear about all of that Leww. I know what you're coming from, so of course you know you can talk to me.


This post has been edited by GRIFF: Aug 12 2014, 04:22 PM
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RobBob
post Aug 12 2014, 04:10 PM
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I'm really proud of you for being able to talk about this, I don't think anyone would ever be able to guess this from you because your mask is so strong; you seem like just about the most jolly, humorous soul on the site, but obviously it's this hidden depression in a complete different layer that you keep away from everyone that actually provokes you to really egg on the humorous side of you. I know we spoke about this last night together, which was really difficult for me to read, but I hope just being able to speak to ANYONE can help. I know as well as anyone, not necessarily from a depression level (although sometimes), that sometimes it's just so much easier to offload on people who can just advise you honestly from behind a computer screen.

Don't ever feel like you're troubling people by actually admitting you're not so happy, it doesn't make you weak to drop the humour for one minute just to actually admit to people how you feel because I know everybody here will support you. That goes for anyone else who posts in this thread.
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*Tim
post Aug 12 2014, 04:21 PM
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Ohmy, I had no idea Lew!
You always seem so happy and cheery and up for a good laugh, even on facebook I always see you smile and having fun. I feel terrible for you and you're defintely NOT self-indulgent and should not feel that way, because everyone needs a place to vent their feelings and if that place is here for you, then sod what everyone else thinks and get it off your chest.

Buzzjack is serving one of the best community feelings out there, so there's no better place to talk about this, than BJ imo. Quite a few people seem to struggle with themselves and their lives (I do too), so a thread like this is a very good start for bettering everything and being able to open up to people.
Just remember that whenever you need someone to talk to, my PM box and FB chat are always open.

About the self-esteem, I also am struggling with that, so we can relate on that level, as I am a very private person as well (Even with this post I already feel like I'm opening up too much already and that I annoy people). It's really something you slowly get over I think and it helps to get out there and talk to people I think, whether that is to your friends and family or the people here. I'm no professional on this, because as I said, I still haven't gotten over it yet. I do feel like it gets less tho, so hopefully you'll feel a lot better about yourself very soon as there's no need for you to feel bad about yourself, since you are an amazing human being.


This post has been edited by *Tim: Aug 12 2014, 04:33 PM
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Tyler
post Aug 12 2014, 04:34 PM
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f*** Donald Trump.
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You use humor to generate emotions from others. I try to generate emotion because I'd like others to do the same for me.

Lew, you are amazing. I know exactly where you are right now. And I'm sorry you are because the feeling is terrible.
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_____
post Aug 12 2014, 04:37 PM
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I like it slow
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QUOTE(▲Tyler▲ @ Aug 12 2014, 05:34 PM) *
Lew, you are amazing. I know exactly where you are right now. And I'm sorry you are because the feeling is terrible.


Absolutely.

You use a front to deal with these things. How can you carry on otherwise?
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Liаm
post Aug 12 2014, 04:39 PM
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It's kind of good timing that you post this now Leww, I've been having a bit of a low period myself...

I'm not sure if maybe depression is too far to go in my case, but I've always suffered with self esteem. To this day I have pretty much 0 self confidence in the way I look, partly due to bullying at the start at secondary school and even partly because of my own family :/ I used to be seriously socially inept because of it and had like 5 friends maximum in year 7-10. I've learnt to overcome that now, I have quite a healthy circle of friends now.

But recently I've felt pretty hopeless overall. Maybe it's just the summer holidays, I have seen my friends a few times but mostly it's just been a case of staying in all day every day and I just feel stuck in a rut. My home situation isn't great either, I live with foster parents and largely it's fine but recently I feel like my foster mum is blaming me for everything and treating me like a burden, I can never seem to win. For example, last week she complained that I didn't go out enough, then I went to the cinema on the Wednesday and my friend's house on Friday, because I drank there and got kinda drunk that was totally wrong :/ And she blames me for anything tiny little thing that goes wrong it seems. So there are days, not too often but still, where I just lose my patience and feel I can't face her so I wait for her to go out or something before I even think of so much as leaving my room. Other days everything is fine. But there are some days where I feel like I've hit a real hopeless low and it won't get better, sometimes I feel like nobody cares or I have no-one. I know that isn't true deep down but it still feels like it sometimes... I hardly ever talk to my real life friends when I feel like this, as people have said it's so much easier online. That way, you kind of know the people and they feel familiar, but there isn't the horrible pressure of thinking "oh god I have to face these people tomorrow". My mum suffers from depression herself, but we're not close at all and I can't even imagine attempting to talk to her about it!

*soppy moment* from here I've found Regina to be one of the best friends imaginable, no question. Obviously I'm closer to him than anyone on here by far, we talk nearly all the time and he's seriously really helped me see sense so many times and puts up with my Lindsay Lohan, not just my Beyoncé 💅 I find having an online friend to confide in is the best, someone you feel really close to but you don't have to go and see face to face the next day.

So yeah, not to detract from your post Leww, seeing others open up makes me realise I can do so too. I get your feelings Leww, you can always PM or Facebook me or anything if you need a chat <3 like everyone has said, you really would be the last person I'd expect this from, but people may say that about me too, I guess you yourself don't realise until others say it! But one thing I know is that this community is amazing and will most certainly support you and anyone else who posts their problems here in whatever way they can.
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leewallace
post Aug 12 2014, 05:04 PM
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You're one of the bravest and funniest people I've came across Lewith.
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Umi
post Aug 12 2014, 05:18 PM
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ma proie se surestime
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QUOTE(*Tim @ Aug 12 2014, 05:21 PM) *
About the self-esteem, I also am struggling with that, so we can relate on that level, as I am a very private person as well (Even with this post I already feel like I'm opening up too much already and that I annoy people).

I have always had a very similar thing, I listen to people's problems (and am VERY glad to do so) all the time but I always feel like if I tell people about mine I'm kind of burdening them with my shit and nobody wants that. It's a bit silly because if someone tells me their problem I'm more than happy to listen, I guess I feel like my problems aren't as worth hearing as those of others or I'm less worth caring about etc. I'm definitely making progress with it though, I'm much better than I was a few years ago and my self-esteem is much better (though still not totally perfect) to boot.

The sad thing about this topic is that everyone here who's posted about their depression is an amazing person. You *all* deserve to be happy and I hope you get to the place you want to be soon!
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Slade
post Aug 12 2014, 05:21 PM
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Oh I wouldn't go as far as depression either but I could relate to a lot of Liam's post - my self esteem has always been awfully low since Secondary School as well, mainly due to social anxiety and how people would say awful things about me/treat me like a doormat. I've always kept a positive attitude and have never been negative to anyone unless there's a reason to because I hate being treated that way. Sometimes I get really low because I feel like a failure/so far behind/unlike everyone else - even the friends I'm lucky enough to have don't really get me sometimes. I always have the maximise/minimise view as well where I see may achievements as never good enough, but my failures a massive deal. But yeah my thing is always to stay optimistic in front of people and never really let them see me suffer in real life which can be hard sometimes bottling stuff up but I've gotten used to so many disappointments from people that nowadays it seems much easier to deal with stuff. It feels weird saying this because I'm rarely ever THIS serious about anything, but reading some of the responses really struck a chord.

You're amazing btw Leww, thank you for sharing this with us.
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post Aug 12 2014, 05:28 PM
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Right, so as a lot of you probably know I've been battling on off with depression for more than three years now with it first sarting seven years ago when I was 10. My problem at the moment is that I feel as if I'm emotionally numb. It started last December when I'd started Sixth Form. A new friend of mine who I had become quite close to had ignored me for a week on the day that we were going on a school trip to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. Somehow, on this day, it began to affect me even more. I had been trying to make it up with him to see if he began to respond to me in the way that I'd come to expect again, but he just got worse for me. On the way to the place, I began putting my hands to my face and in hindsight I think I was going through a breakdown. I'd just gone through some shit as well and I think this must have been the last straw that broke me. Things have never really been the same again.

I've tried so hard to make things work this year it's not even funny. I put shitloads of effort into my exams even though I just KNOW I've failed most of them, I got rid of my toxic friends, June was one of the best months ever for me and I got a proper group of friends to rely on to not shit over me. Pubically, I don't think things could get better. But personally, I've never fought such a battle.

As Liam says partly, some of it is due to the school holidays. I can spend a couple of hours on my laptop in my bed and then feel horrendous when I get up. When I go out, it feels as if I'm putting a front of confidence on which is weird because even a couple of months ago I was such a trainwreck when I walked out the door. But inside, it f***ing hurts. It hurts more than it has ever done, ever. I even tried to fight suicidal thoughts on the day before my 17th. Which must be weird for some of you as you might rememeber sending me a birthday message perhaps thinking everything was fine. I tried medication but I went off after two weeks as it just made the road to figuring out what was going on in my head more murky.

So now I think the logical next step is meditation. We'll see how that turns out.

I know people are so supportive here, but in this case I really would appricate to have the opportunity to talk to people about my situation now I've explained it. This place really can be amazing.
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mr_pmt
post Aug 12 2014, 06:09 PM
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I've had really bad problems with this over the years, I feel like I'm over the worst of it now but I still have days where I feel a bit low.

I haven't really opened up about it to a lot of people, but my lowest ebb has been when I came extremely close to suicide twice with every intent of seeing it through (and having to be stopped), once about three years ago and again in late 2012 when everything was spiralling out of control and I literally could not cope with anything any more.

In the past couple of years I've really been through a lot of heavy stuff (the worst part of this being my mum's terminal illness diagnosis which lead to her passing 15 months ago), but that showed me how precious life actually is and why I would never consider suicide as an option again, and I think coming through that has made me stronger and showed me I can get through stuff if I try. Also I'm very thankful and lucky to have some of the wonderful friends that I have who have allowed me to tell them about some of this stuff and be supportive of me.

I always appear a lot more confident and outgoing than I feel, but I am a lot more confident than I used to be. My self esteem and confidence in myself is low, but these days I learn to make the best of it and enjoy life when I can.


This post has been edited by mr_aly: Aug 12 2014, 06:10 PM
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leewallace
post Aug 12 2014, 06:19 PM
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In all honesty I don't know what suffering from depression is. I've been majorly unhappy with life as of recently with work and the stress of university. I used to have poor self esteem which was majorly due to relationships with friends / family and females. Recently I'm much more confident in life.

I always find ways to cure myself being unhappy whether it be speaking to my friends or going for a drive in the car. I complain if I'm down so I couldn't even begin imaging what it feels like being depressed on a regular basis.

Lew you have so much going on for you at the moment , you're so intelligent and a real genuine good chap! If you're ever feeling down I will be there to provide you with some rainbow cake.
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Cucumberella
post Aug 12 2014, 06:48 PM
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thank you everyone for your kind words, very much appreciated <3. regarding everyone who has submitted their story, i will see if theres anything i can do when i can read in more detail, just quite distracted atm.
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jark
post Aug 12 2014, 07:05 PM
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I think I'm quite lucky really. Even though my mum has a long history of depression which lead to her having a breakdown and being diagnosed with a personality disorder similar to bipolar, I feel very stable mentally. On average maybe one day every six or eight weeks I feel really quite down, often for no reason, but it's fleeting and I think everybody has those days. In general I feel really upbeat most of the time. Having a strong network of friends is what keeps me sane I reckon.

However I do have a friend who's going through a really rough patch lately. We were mates in college and used to fool around a bit and I knew she was not quite herself when I met her at Christmas last year for a drink but recently she's been confiding in me a lot about her depression. She says she's overwhelmed with constant concern about death, the death of her parents at some point in the future, her own mortality. She's worried she's twenty three with nothing to show for it and that nobody will remember her when she's gone. I really do empathise massively but she's burned most of her friendships to the point that she says I'm here only real friend, she won't talk to her family or a therapist about it, and she tried to kiss me when we met at Christmas and still seems to have feelings for me, so I'm worried on a v selfish level that she's going to be dependent on me when I move home this month, and I'll either end up making myself miserable by being exposed to her depression constantly, or hurting her by pushing her away. I'm not used to being somebody's emotional crutch, and awful as it sounds I don't want to be that. So what's the solution? We've already spent a lot of time talking about her state of mind, and I've given her good advice that she hasn't acted on. So I'm kinda stuck now.
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gooddelta
post Aug 12 2014, 07:08 PM
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I had depression five years ago for about six months in 2009 so can definitely relate, and I'm very sorry to hear so many people in this thread are suffering or have suffered.

Recently I've felt quite low for a number of reasons, it's just been a generally challenging year personally in a number of ways. However it's not depression, I'm lucky in the respect that I've never reached the low of 2009 again since then. And there are just a few things I need to change to straighten my life out.

Being on Buzzjack does and doesn't help. On the one hand it's a great place to escape it all and (hopefully) interact with people that don't judge you, it's a close knit community and there are always people on hand who will listen without prejudice and offer helpful and reasoned advice if you need it. I really appreciate that.

But then on the other hand, having people pick up on your flaws is unpleasant to read at best and downright harmful at worst, especially if you've just come home from a shit day at work or something and are trying to escape the negativity. Some of the character assassinations that have taken place on here in the last few weeks are just horrible to read and really make me worry about the people on the receiving end of them sometimes.
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Colm
post Aug 12 2014, 07:12 PM
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I have struggled with depression for years. This year has been particularly awful for my mental health, I've never cried so much as I have this year in utter pain. Or haven't been as frequently suicidal either. I have decided to wait until January until I do anything. My brother is getting married in October and I dont want to ruin that and then comes Christmas and I don't want to ruin that for my family either.

I've been to the Samaritans five times this year. I have countless friends to talk to about this, and I do. I've been to 7 therapists/counsellors over the years and tried various therapies and medications.

It's not as if I haven't tried to fix myself. Everyone thinks I'm amazing, and I am but it never seems to matter that I am a remarkable force for good in the lives of the people I am in.


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RabbitFurCoat
post Aug 12 2014, 07:17 PM
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I can't add much to this thread, though I'm always interested in reading stuff like this... I'm incredibly grateful that neither myself or anyone close to me has (well, to my knowledge at least) suffered from it, though one of my friend's mum did kill herself which has resulted in some conversations it's never nice to have.

It's such a horrible thing though and I feel for anyone here who suffers from it, it must be especially horrible to just hear phrases like 'Man up!' and it's always annoying when you see people talking about the rich and famous like they've nothing to be sad about because they have money and everything material they could ever wish for. I see a lot of it following Stan Collymore on Twitter, so frustrating.

The best book I've ever read is 'A Life Too Short', a biography of the former German goalkeeper Robert Enke, who threw himself under a train. It's the most sad and eye-opening story, it really does put you in the mind of someone who suffers from it and how anyone, no matter how rich, talented, loved and successful, can still suffer from such a horrible illness.


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James Frost ⛄⛄⛄
post Aug 12 2014, 07:21 PM
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I wouldn't say I have depression but my self esteem is very much compromised and always has been. That's why I love coming on here and being so happy all the time cause like it or not I feel like I fit in more on here, if that even makes sense.

And like others have said I am so quick to listen to other people's problems and try and help them but when it comes to me telling others I always feel like I have no right saying what I'm saying or they don't have the time to listen. Jeez trying to have a serious conversation with my bf is bad enough. The worst feeling ever is that no one actually cared what you have to say and always feeling like your not good enough.

But yeah I have trouble making friends a lot of the time. I randomly find myself crying for no reason and I am an emotional wreck a lot too. I might not be depressed but I'm certainly not 100% all there either.

One other thing, I've been through a heck of a lot and there is a certain one thing that I've only ever told a couple of my friends about that my parents and family don't know about. If any kind soul would be willing to pm me to talk about it that would be great.

And Leww I admire you so so much! <3


This post has been edited by James ⭐: Aug 12 2014, 07:26 PM
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Rooney
post Aug 12 2014, 07:25 PM
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See this is BuzzJack community at its finest! I'm similar to Jark, that I maybe have one day where I feel really down every 6-8 weeks. I think my friends keep me in a good state of mind, and it's one main reason why I'm really apprehensive about moving away for my career. I've no idea what my life is, what I have to show for, what the future holds etc. etc. My Dad has suffered from depression in the past, although that was linked to a health issue. I guess it's always in the back of my mind when people talk about depression that I will suffer from it one day. It's so complex, and I think it's certainly something that deserves more awareness because a lot of people have no idea how to deal with it, or the suffering that it can cause.
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