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> The QASSÄNDRAVISION SONG CONTEST 2015
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 07:34 AM
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Okay so this didn't really happen properly last season, once it started to become obvious we were in for a proper RUM YEAR and each week I got so ground down by the awfulness on offer that I threw myself into the HEAVING BOSOM of Melodifestivalen/Helena as escapism. BUT, I'm pre-emptively declaring 2015 a HIT and resolving to MAKE THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN THIS TIME AROUND

So, QUICK PRIMER. Every single year with every single national final, you'll see a hoard of bitter queens online labeling one of the tracks 'fanwank'. Well we REJECT such fan-shaming terminology here, partly because the term's been copiously applied to tracks that turned out about as ANTI-fanwank as you could GET in the end (the likes of Euphoria and Only Teardrops), and also because they almost invariably tend to be some of the BEST TRACKS GOING (honestly, the amount of self-loathing being channeled into some of these online commentaries you'd think a DECENT HOOK'N'MELODY was a CIPHER for their own homosexuality!).

Frankly, chez Qass we LIKE our tracks as straight-up and unashamed/shameless as possible about being big gay pop tracks that would've fitted in SEAMLESSLY in, say, Melodifestivalen 2004 - after all, what the FUCK do you think Eurovision's FOR? I love me a bit of Silent Storm and Children of the Universe from time to time, but where the RATSPISS am I supposed to get my SOLAYOHS and SAME HEARTS if not Eurovision? It's not as if you get many of those hanging around the TOP TEN these days - of the charts OR of Eurovision!

The Qassändravision manifesto is built around the mantra that sure, having 30 hand-me-downs from the charts each year has done wonders for Eurovision's chart potential, but taken away IMMENSELY from the contest's charm - namely as a GAY HAVEN from POPULAR MUSIC. We like our Eurovision tracks as 1999 as possible - EUROVISION 1999 (arguably the closest the charts ever came to becoming a gay haven in themselves, but ANYWAY) - tacky, egregiously homosexual, and preferably with nasty, studs-up key changes that would get an immediate red card from a Mercury panel (not compulsory but the MORE the BETTER). The YouTube video for the spiritual victor of last year's Qassändravision Song Contest, NeAngely - Courageous, had a comment from a Ukrainian native that simply said 'dated and homosexual'. And frankly, that's a description which ought to fit right in on the comments section of ANY self-respecting Qassändravision entry.

So yes, this season I shall be discerning the most gay-friendly entry of each national selection (if I've missed anything out, let me know in here INSTANTLY), as well as occasionally posting some of my favourite spiritual winners from YEARS PAST when the mood takes me. If you like your entries to cater to an offensive and narrow-minded/fabulous view of homosexuality, get this thread in your bookmarks THIS INSTANT, as this will be the place to be for the coming six months. LET US MINCE
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 07:51 AM
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ENTRIES THUS FAR / POSITION IN NF / BRIEF PRÉCIS

Albania: Lindita - S'të fal / 3rd / Because the last refuge of an NF of atonal wailing and electric guitar solos is always an orchestral drum'n'bass banger (with atonal wailing)
Belarus: Milki - My Accent / 4th / Alexander Rybak proves he can do something other than another performance of Fairytale to cash a cheque by helping a set of Soviet lovelies deliver a political treatise on the Belarussian accent to a backing of Verka-esque madness
Georgia: Nina Sublat - Warrior / TBD / Morticia Addams whacks on enough bronzer to drown the Caucasus to front an attitude piece with a dubstep breakdown
Macedonia: Viktorija Loba - Edna edinstvena / 7th / The SORELY-NEEDED lovechild of Quero ser tua and Bombo conceived on a package holiday to Dubrovnik
Malta: Jessika - Fandango / TBD / Last year's Maltese Qassändravision entrant returns with a track slightly less shameless yet even more gay-exclusive, sounding like an authentic lost #37 'hit' from 2007.
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 08:01 AM
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The Macedonian entry for Qassändravision 2015 is VIKTORIJA LOBA - EDNA EDINSTVENA



Towards the end of three hours of BALKAN DIRGE HORROR (trust me, I've sat through some rum national finals in my time and this year's was RIGHT DOWN THERE), a VISION in NOX graced us atop a siren of tacktastic accordion sound effects. Could it be that the spiritual QUEEN of Qassändravision, Adelén, was gracing Macedonia with her presence?!

Okay, maybe not, but OLD VIK certainly gave the 'TONIGHT MATTHEW' credentials a GOOD BASH (between you me she ought to be tracking down R SUZ for a MATERNITY TEST), and what certainly felt like the only uptempo of the evening was quite the welcome diversion from worthy ballads (that were by and large in sore need of a speed dial to Abu Hamza to acquire a hook with SEVERE URGENCY)

Anyway, obviously Macedonia (being the BOTTOM STREAM GINGER STEPCHILD of the Balkans) didn't know a (semi-final 12th place) HIT when they heard one and went for something else, but I'll insist to my DYING DAY (okay probably just the end of the season) that the world is ALL THE POORER for this not being sent
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 08:16 AM
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The Maltese entry for Qassändravision 2015 is JESSIKA - FANDANGO



Old SPECIAL K JESS makes a WELCOME RETURN for Malta this year, having been a cherished entrant to last year's Qassändravision with Hypnotika, a Euphoria rip-off so blatant even CASCADA probably would've thought twice (before entering it anyway). Anyway, she's back with something slightly less IN HOMAGE () to a specific track this year, but which is one of the most LOVING tributes to bottom of the barrel 2007 trashy electropop I've heard in a while.

Bringing along a CASIO HARP (to keep things classy obvsss) with an utterly FILTHY bargain basement bassline, all the while DECORATING the artful instrumental with vox that manages to be out of tune EVEN THOUGH SHE'S MIMING, this is nothing less than a pure STATEMENT OF INTENT staking an early claim for this year's winner. And lord knows it's about time this contest birthed a HIGH ART winner like this Special mention for the PINK DRESS clearly freshly stolen from Catarina Pereira's wardrobe, and the middle eight breakdown featuring a SEDATE TWIRL and leg shimmy from old Spesh K. Okay, it could be improved with a quick call to SAFFY BUTCHER'S DISCOTITS for a quick touch-up to that last chorus, but MINCERS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS

I'd temporarily considered Amber - Warrior for Malta's entry this year as I'm a total sucker for that middle-of-the-decade white girl R&B-pop which retains an afterlife as a favoured genre for Eurovision entries in the Caucasus, but frankly loves, it's just a bit too LEGITIMATELY competitive - and lord knows it AIN'T AUTHENTIC QASSVISH if a straight* would be caught dead voting for it!

*outside of honorary Eurovision gays gooddelta and Iz obviously
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 08:33 AM
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And the first TREAT from YEARS PAST for you all: Poland's SPIRITUAL CONTENDER in Qassändravision 2008, Man Meadow - Viva la musica.

Now just to be clear, CHEZ QASS we were fervent adherents of the gospel of Isis BEFORE she had to start cutting heads and taking names to get her point across - Isis GEE that is. We can't help it loves - we go weak at the knees for a bit of limp mid-90s Disney balladry and (more importantly) a babe who turns up with the bronzer levels set to Nigerian and a pair of tits like STRAPPED BOULDERS. Not to MENTION an authentic-sounding 'English as second language pop' accent despite having been born, raised, and spent most of her life in SEATTLE



But frankly all that means NAUGHT when you bring a pair of ropey 30-something homosexuals into the equation with a G:son cowrite. And WHAT a SHIMMERING cowrite it was!



Ripping off Modern Talking before Martin Rolinski had even realised that being clapped in chains in Alexander Bard's basement every night was BIG GAY AL'S idea of a BWO contract gambit and NOT a sex game (not that Al's a lass above fucking for tracks - just LOOK AT GRAVITONAS), these ropey old queens were bringing syncopated rhythms, nasal vox and homosexual melody in almost TOXIC dosages (not to MENTION enough Touché Éclat to supply the ENTIRE METROSEXUAL POPULATION of the EASTERN BLOC). And with a key change so clichéd yet so powerful word has it POPE JP2 was briefly awoken from the dead solely to give that bumming lark he'd bitched about so much a try, this was utterly destined for a cherished place in my affections.

Goodness knows what the POLES made of it (though clearly NOT ENOUGH), though if Charlotte Perrelli couldn't make it alive out of the homopop multi-car pile-up wreck that was 2008 then this never stood a CHANCE. But who CARES? I'm so alive. I'M SO ALIVE! *waves arms like ludicrous mincer, sings in key of love*
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 08:45 AM
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Also I'm wanting COMMENTS AND INTERACTION this year, I'm not SLAVING AT THESE WRITE-UPS only to be VIEWED IN SILENCE
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152chris
post Nov 14 2014, 09:45 AM
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that leg scrape in the fandango breakdown is the most perfect thing i've seen today. TEACH ME.
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Qassändra
post Nov 14 2014, 09:51 AM
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Just take a HOT DOSE OF SPECIAL K before going onstage and try to dance as WILDLY AS YOU CAN and you'll get there hun
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Yuki On Ice~
post Nov 14 2014, 01:46 PM
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Viktorija's song has some lovely melody, and everything is telling me she's Adélen, in disguise and speaking Macedonian. Which is pretty good, I have no problem with Bombo 2k14.

Fandango is hugely trashy, so much so it looks odd that Jessica's on stage alone.
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AdamAloud
post Nov 14 2014, 03:00 PM
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Cannot unhear Adélen in that Macedonian song. I haven't heard what won but I can already tell it will be a let down in comparison.
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jjake
post Nov 22 2014, 12:26 AM
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having been [REDACTED] this thread i would just like to say i found it to be a very [REDACTED] from start to finish.
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Qassändra
post Nov 22 2014, 12:36 AM
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well if you WILL request rubbishgai compilations!
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jjake
post Jan 5 2015, 01:43 AM
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when will this continue please ohmy.gif
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Qassändra
post Jan 5 2015, 01:56 AM
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It's actually being continued NOW (AS YOU WELL KNOW)
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Vülker f Beyoncé
post Feb 18 2015, 04:14 AM
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QUOTE(Qassändra @ Jan 5 2015, 01:56 AM) *
It's actually being continued NOW (AS YOU WELL KNOW)


Is it though? kink.gif
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Qassändra
post Feb 18 2015, 12:31 PM
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I have been QUITE crippled by a lack of internet

However I have a LOT TO SAY ABOUT DENMARK
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Vülker f Beyoncé
post Mar 23 2015, 02:08 PM
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Been going through the NFs [yes, I practically already have material to produced a rival thread to this - if only I had the power of write-ups], your Latvian entry better be this:



...or Antra Stafecka. Fabulous work in Latvia... *.*
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LexC
post Mar 23 2015, 02:23 PM
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I also put forward this Daddy Issues anthem from Romania



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Qassändra
post Mar 23 2015, 02:33 PM
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God ABOUT TIME you people started CONTRIBUTING

I shall update the NF entries I felt worth listening to as and when I have a free weekend
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Vülker f Beyoncé
post Mar 23 2015, 02:36 PM
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QUOTE(Qassändra @ Mar 23 2015, 02:33 PM) *
I shall update the NF entries I felt worth listening to as and when I have a free weekend


January next year then, just before you start prepping for MF'16? sad.gif

I'll contribute with a full list, worry not. cheer.gif
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