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> Advice or perspective on this problem please.
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 07:22 PM
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Was thinking maybe advice from people who don't know us may help as I'm frankly at my wits end. sad.gif

Basically my wife hates our daughter's boyfriend with a passion and nothing anyone says will change her mind. He's Filipino like my wife but she says she hates him but doesn't herself even know why! He's not allowed in the hoiuse and drops daughhter round the corner. She's been with him three years now and he came here once and says he likes me but wife blanked him and just walked upstairs. She pays for daughter's phone contract so Orange gave her details of calls as it's in her name. She got his number and has left him nasty messages threatening him and his family if he doesn't finish with her. He says if she carries on he'll go to the police as it's harassment abd death threats. I'm stuck in the middle, daren't even mention the lads name in the house. She's come home for summer now and has told me that they both hate having to skulk around because of her mum. I'm sick of it. He should be able to come to the house, have a coffee and beer and us get to know him. If I let him come in the daytime when wife's at work it's going behind her back. Every time she goes out she gets "Oh you're going with him are you?" rolleyes.gif

Everyone, and I mean everyone, all the family and all her friends and her employer say she's in the wrong. She doesn't even know why she dislikes him. They do argue on the phone a lot so she says they're not suited.

Any advice welcome.She says she would never visit their home if they moved in together and wouldn't attend any wedding. My wife's very stubborn so I know she means that. I've nothing against the lad. He has 3 jobs apparently and is from a good family. You'd think he was a serial killer or druggie the way the wife's acting. sad.gif


This post has been edited by Common Sense: Jul 11 2015, 07:27 PM
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P@ul
post Jul 11 2015, 07:28 PM
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Bit odd your wife hates him for no reason. Unless she knows something shady or has experience with him or a family member of his?
You need to make it clear to her that she needs to start acting appropriately before ye lose your daughter from your lives and she starts to resent her..


This post has been edited by P@ul: Jul 11 2015, 07:29 PM
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 07:32 PM
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QUOTE(P@ul @ Jul 11 2015, 08:28 PM) *
Bit odd your wife hates him for no reason. Unless she knows something shady or has experience with him or a family member of his?
You need to make it clear to her that she needs to start acting appropriately before ye lose your daughter and she starts to resent her..


She honestly says "I just don't like him" but she can't put her finger on why and part of it is now because he carries on seeing her daughter when he knows she dislikes him! She says as they argue a lot then they're not suited as a couple. Let her find that out though. rolleyes.gif She'll be 20 in October and her mum has to let her live her own life! Everyone's told her she'll end up losing her daughter. I've heard the nasty vile threatening messages she's left him and in a way it'll serve her right if he goes to the cops.


This post has been edited by Common Sense: Jul 11 2015, 07:35 PM
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 07:39 PM
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I've pleaded with the wife to just let him come to the house or at least drop her outside the house. She once went out and confronted a driver thinking it was him and it wasn't. The guy said "I don't know who you think I am, you f**ing nutter!" The car was the same colour as his.

Would I be right in letting him come in the daytime then and not telling the mrs? I hate going behind her back but what she doesn't know won't hurt her will it?


This post has been edited by Common Sense: Jul 11 2015, 07:41 PM
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P@ul
post Jul 11 2015, 07:44 PM
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QUOTE(Common Sense @ Jul 11 2015, 08:32 PM) *
She honestly says "I just don't like him" and part of it is now because he carries on seeing her daughter when he knows she dislikes him! She says as they argue a lot then they're not suited as a couple. Let her find that out though. She'll be 20 in October and her mum has to let her liver her own life! Everyone's told her she'll end up losing her daughter.

This sounds really messy.. If she's prepared to lose her daughter over this then maybe that's the only way she's gonna learn.It's not fair on you,the daughter or the boyfriend and gonna cause more of a strain in your lives once she moves out.I'd say just be as accommodating to him as possible and if your wife doesn't like it then can leave when he comes!You need to be harder on her,make it clear you don't agree with her behavior and you're not on her side.


This post has been edited by P@ul: Jul 11 2015, 07:47 PM
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 07:47 PM
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QUOTE(P@ul @ Jul 11 2015, 08:44 PM) *
This sounds really messy.. If she's prepared to lose her daughter over this then maybe that's the only way she's gonna learn.It's not fair on you,the daughter or the boyfriend and gonna cause more of a strain in your lives once she moves out.I'd say just be as accommodating to him as possible and if your wife doesn't like it then can leave when he comes!



It's terribly messy and is really getting me down as I can't see an answer. She came home from Uni for summer yesterday and last night daughter asked her "why don't you like X?" and she said "I just don't that's it and will never never accept him" rolleyes.gif

I've told her that from Monday he can come in the daytime to watch TV, DVD or whatever and order pizza or takeaway so she just says to make sure he's gone by 7pm when she arrives or she'll kill him. FFS. rolleyes.gif


This post has been edited by Common Sense: Jul 11 2015, 07:57 PM
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P@ul
post Jul 11 2015, 07:58 PM
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QUOTE(Common Sense @ Jul 11 2015, 08:47 PM) *
It's terribly messy and is really getting me down as I can't see an answer. She came home from Uni for summer yesterday and last night daughter asked her "why don't you like X?" and she said "I just don't that's it and will never never accept him" rolleyes.gif

I mean a lot of parents don't like their children's partners but if she cannot even be civil to him than I don't know.. All that I can see happening is your daughter spending less time with ye and more with her partner if they don't feel comfortable in your house.You might even be forced to choose between the two all because of your wife being completely unreasonable.
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:04 PM
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Daughter asked if she could have a puppy two years ago so wife said we'd get one if she finished witrh her boyfriend. She agreed, as she'd say anytthing to have a dog. So we got one and of course she never finished with with the lad. That's partly why the wife is angry as she lied to her about finishing with him. As she's as uni I'm left walking the dog now but she's my best friend so I don't mind and it gets me exercise!
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Suedehead2
post Jul 11 2015, 08:04 PM
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Can he cook? Perhaps he could cook something (whether Filipino or not) as a peace offering. It sounds like the initiative is going to have to come from him (however unfair that may be).
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:08 PM
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QUOTE(P@ul @ Jul 11 2015, 08:58 PM) *
I mean a lot of parents don't like their children's partners but if she cannot even be civil to him than I don't know.. All that I can see happening is your daughter spending less time with ye and more with her partner if they don't feel comfortable in your house.You might even be forced to choose between the two all because of your wife being completely unreasonable.



She's completely unreasonable as you say. I mean lots of parents may not approve but at least are civil with them. rolleyes.gif It was wrong to try and bribe her with the dog but we've got her now and a dog's for life as they say. I do everything for her anyway and wouldn't be without her as she's given me a new lease of life and I've lost a lot of weight by walking her twice a day. smile.gif
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MerryFlynnmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:11 PM
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Its a bit of a tricky situation.

Have you thought about arranging a meal or something where the wife and him are there? That could force them to talk
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:14 PM
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QUOTE(Suedehead2 @ Jul 11 2015, 09:04 PM) *
Can he cook? Perhaps he could cook something (whether Filipino or not) as a peace offering. It sounds like the initiative is going to have to come from him (however unfair that may be).



He gave her a big box of Thorntons continental chocolates one Christmas and she threw them in the bin. rolleyes.gif They were at wife's employers dog-sitting and he went there NYE and she blanked him again. and went upstairs. She binned the chocs and never bloody brought them for me to eat. mad.gif Sacrilige, good chocolates like that. I honestly think she's got something mentally wrong with her to act like this. Maybe a shock like a visit from the cops may make her come to her senses. He's holding off reporting her text messages to the police for daughter and my sake. Sounds like a decent lad actually. Must think a lot about fdaughter as some lads would be fed up of all the trouble and bail out.
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:14 PM
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DELETED. Double post again. Peasse delete.

This post has been edited by Common Sense: Jul 11 2015, 08:17 PM
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:17 PM
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QUOTE(harryflynn0908 @ Jul 11 2015, 09:11 PM) *
Its a bit of a tricky situation.

Have you thought about arranging a meal or something where the wife and him are there? That could force them to talk



Hmm. Thanks for the suggestion but am certain wife would just get up and walk out. He's asked to meet me one evening, just us two, for a drink in a pub to discuss the situation as he's fed up with it as I am. I'll see him but what can I say? I have nothing at all against him and want to get to know him.
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P@ul
post Jul 11 2015, 08:17 PM
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It still sounds like you're being way too easy on the wife's behaviour. Threatening the boyfriend and his family just because he is going out with your daughter sounds insane. Maybe she needs counselling or something? She shouldn't be allowed to damage your relationship with your daughter nevermind her own..

This post has been edited by P@ul: Jul 11 2015, 08:20 PM
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MerryFlynnmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:21 PM
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QUOTE(Common Sense @ Jul 11 2015, 09:17 PM) *
Hmm. Thanks for the suggestion but am certain wife would just get up and walk out. He's asked to meet me one evening, just us two, for a drink in a pub to discuss the situation as he's fed up with it as I am. I'll see him but what can I say? I have nothing at all against him and want to get to know him.

Hmmm Maybe some conselling its so odd if im honest...There has to be a reason to why she is doing this and behaving him. Maybe finding the root of it will help you to fix the problem.
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Suedehead2
post Jul 11 2015, 08:23 PM
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QUOTE(Common Sense @ Jul 11 2015, 09:14 PM) *
He gave her a big box of Thorntons continental chocolates one Christmas and she threw them in the bin. rolleyes.gif They were at wife's employers dog-sitting and he went there NYE and she blanked him again. and went upstairs. She binned the chocs and never bloody brought them for me to eat. mad.gif Sacrilige, good chocolates like that. I honestly think she's got something mentally wrong with her to act like this. Maybe a shock like a visit from the cops may make her come to her senses. He's holding off reporting her text messages to the police for daughter and my sake. Sounds like a decent lad actually. Must think a lot about fdaughter as some lads would be fed up of all the trouble and bail out.

Cooking a meal (or something similar) would show rather more effort than buying a box of chocolates. If he goes out of his way to offer an olive branch and still gets it thrown back in his face, then I don't know what you and he can do.
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 11 2015, 08:26 PM
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QUOTE(Suedehead2 @ Jul 11 2015, 09:23 PM) *
Cooking a meal (or something similar) would show rather more effort than buying a box of chocolates. If he goes out of his way to offer an olive branch and still gets it thrown back in his face, then I don't know what you and he can do.



Okay, thanks, will suggest it. He thought of writing her a heartfelt letter.
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Qassändra
post Jul 11 2015, 09:04 PM
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Honestly, unless she can manage a better reason than 'I just don't like him' then she has absolutely no right to be interfering in her grown daughter's life in such a way - and it shows a tremendous lack of respect from her to her daughter that she's so determined to split them up on the basis of not liking him with nothing else to back it up.

If she rejects a peace offering then an intervention genuinely seems like the only option.
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Crazy Christmas
post Jul 12 2015, 07:53 AM
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We even had the cops here one evening at 9pm as they were screaming and shouting at each other and some passer-by called 999 to say there was a woman screaming. Must have thought I was killing the wife. They insisted on coming in and checking every room and outside at the back and asked if they were both alright. Daughter started telling them about the boyfriend thing but they said they couldn't get involved in a domestic problem. I'd the neighbours asking next day why we had the fuzz round! rolleyes.gif
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