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t=SpunderfulXmas
post May 4 2016, 11:36 AM
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Imagine yourself in a different timeline where you are not socially awkward. What would you be like? How different would your life have been? What different decisions would you have made? Would you have more friends, less friends? Would you even have joined Buzzjack at all? ohmy.gif

I thought to make this thread because I know it's easy for people like me to wish they were more socially confident, as there's obviously many advantages etc., but I often wonder if I would maybe have a slightly different personality or whatever. Hmm...

As for joining Buzzjack, well I only joined to get sales stats for songs. I guess I might have stayed for the stats but maybe not have become a lounge regular. Hmm... (again)


This post has been edited by spadogs: May 4 2016, 11:38 AM
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*Tim
post May 4 2016, 11:43 AM
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It'd look the same biggrin.gif
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post May 4 2016, 11:55 AM
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I'd have more friends and probably wouldn't be single and shit. I think it's mostly just about pushing myself at this point but also taking it easy. As for joining Buzzjack, well I joined specifically because a friend wanted me to take part in BJSC, so it wasn't like I was looking for refuge from my socially awkward life or anything lol. I still have some way to go but I think I've improved significantly from before.
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post May 4 2016, 12:00 PM
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Ooh interesting. I wouldn't say I joined BuzzJack to fill the void in my social life, because despite being socially awkward I did have a little group of friends at the time of joining. I joined BuzzJack purely on the basis of being a Chart geek (which I'm sure is the case for most of us!). I wouldn't say I came here looking for friends, that just sorta happened along the way. So yeah I still would've joined BuzzJack anyway even if my social standing had been a bit more impressive IRL.

I am actually quite happy with my group of friends at Uni and those I still keep in touch with from sixth form. I guess if I was more confident then I'd have more friends maybe and a lot more self belief - but for the former I'm happy with the people I have in my life. As for the latter there's still a way to go before I'll be properly happy in myself. However, I'd like to think I'm not quite as self deprecating as I have been in the past. So yay for improvement.
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Colm
post May 4 2016, 01:15 PM
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I'm not socially awkward. I run the show when I'm out socialising.
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post May 4 2016, 01:52 PM
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I'm not socially awkward, I think i have full on social anxiety. I can't imagine myself without it. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but other times when i've been somewhere thats busy and around a lot of people, i get a 'social hangover'. The other week after I'd been alton towers i was a mess the next day. my partner suggests we did the food shop and i'm not sure, but i think i had a panic attack while he was out.
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t=SpunderfulXmas
post May 4 2016, 01:53 PM
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Actually come to think of it I may not have found myself on here. I think it's because I might not have been as enthusiastic with music (I got into NOW albums which ended up going into charts, chart stats and finally here), I don't think I would have otherwise bothered that much. I guess it also raises the question of whether or not I would still have OCD with statistics kink.gif

Also, I probably would still be into the same kind of music (dance) but maybe my music taste would still be different in places (I'm not sure I'd be a fan of Owl City as the emotional and lyrical connection is one of the biggest reasons why I am a fan now, it's not really easy to explain lol) I imagine I would probably often be found in clubs on weekends doing crazy shit like a lot of people do these days. I still do go out sometimes like on New Year's Eve but I don't really go crazy drunk or anything lol
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post May 4 2016, 02:08 PM
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Oooh I haven't actually thought about this before but yea I think quite a few things would be different, maybe I would have fit in more and had a proper circle of friends through high school or even have gotten offers from other universities etc, just being able to talk well at an interview can make a lot of difference, I probably wouldn't be working in the department I am now if I was a people person, I'm sure the person who interviewed me though she's really awkward and probably not great with customers, let's stick her in the back where customer interaction is minimal laugh.gif (I'm happy out the way tbh). I'd be an entirely different person if I wasn't awkward and introverted really. I was thinking about how much of a difference self confidence/acceptance makes though, looking back at a time where I hated myself and felt so uncomfortable in my own skin compared to now, it does make you feel happier, coming to terms with who you are and loving that person does take a really long time for some, it's not an easy thing and that just shows how messed up things in our society are, nobody should ever have to feel so badly about themselves.

(sorry ranted a bit off topic there laugh.gif)
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post May 4 2016, 04:32 PM
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if i wasn't totally socially awkward i'd probably still spend a fair amount of time on "buzzjack". though it's hard to visualise my life without social awkwardness as i've had problems with social situations all my life. i do wish i wasn't so awkward but i don't want to change my personality and interests just to fit in with people. throughout the entirety of my life i've made a lot less friends than the rest of my age group on average and really this website is my social life if you can call it that. it really helps that the talking here isn't face to face as that kind of situation knocks my confidence
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Colm
post May 4 2016, 04:44 PM
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My experience was thus - I was rubbish at making friends, I hated social situations, I didn't know what to say, I was terrified of being boring. I just didn't click in the same way as a lot of other people seemed to naturally click with new people.

That was my teenage years. When I went to university I was the same. Useless. I had no empathy, was very tactless. I would often say the wrong thing in an effort to say something.

This was all until I was about 25 when things changed. I hadn't even noticed that things had changed until I was chatting to some work colleagues about working abroad for a year or two. I mentioned I had concerns about fitting in and that I don't fit in very easily. My friend at the time said , "My God, Colm. If anyone fits in it's you". And with that I looked around and saw that I had become a different person since I was a teenager. I just learned to read people better. I was somewhat witty and that helped too. I grew in confidence after that and by the time I was 30 had become a person I never even dreamed I could become.

Now I almost instantly make friends with someone, if it's ever going to happen. Just last week I met two new people who I know I'm going to be friends with for a while. I could see them gravitate towards me at a volunteering meeting that I was at.

The moral of my story is - you will probably change a few times by the time you reach the age of 30. I am still changing - and for the better. I'm not saying it will happen to everyone but don't stop trying - it is worth the effort and the work involved. And for some it does take work. I had to overcome incrediblly low self esteem dealt to me by my father. It is quite astonishing that I ever got a job or made any friends. I am so grateful for all my friends - and I thank them semi regularly on Facebook - they are an amazing bunch.
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Tyler
post May 4 2016, 05:44 PM
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I joined this community 12 years ago and at the time I was 14 years old and insecure AF.

I was at a point where I was this young teenage boy that was figuring out I was different from all the other guys around me, the difference being that I was gay. I was bullied pretty bad in middle school and kicked out of my churches youth group after coming out to people I thought were my friends. Not to mention on top of that my parents had just gotten a divorce and literally the only things that brought me happiness was focusing on Britney Spears, this community and my mother.

I was so convinced that there was something wrong with me I joined this community saying I was a female, because I thought if I came out to anyone else as gay that I would not have any chance of being accepted. Keep in mind my family tried to send me to a therapy camp to try and convert my sexuality. Luckily my mom is the only reason I wasn't sent off, but I'd be lying if I said it was not a traumatic time in my life and I was very confused. I've never in the slightest wanted to be a woman, but I thought pretending to be one would finally let me feel like I wasn't such a freak.

This community showed me love and support even after admitting that I was indeed Tyler and not 'Allysa'. And even though some people gave me flack over it, I realized I deserved it for lying to those that had shown me so much kindness at a time I needed it the most. As cliche a as it sounds, buzzjack taught me that it was okay to be me and it got me through a very hard time.

This was over ten years ago, but I've never gone into that much detail before.


This post has been edited by Tyler: May 4 2016, 06:18 PM
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t=SpunderfulXmas
post May 4 2016, 06:42 PM
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QUOTE(Mattias @ May 4 2016, 12:55 PM) *
I think it's mostly just about pushing myself at this point but also taking it easy.

I feel I am getting towards this way of thinking also. I just kinda need to talk a bit more and get into the feel that most people do, maybe that will help me lean less towards the social anxiety side of things and more towards just being socially awkward which I think is more common and not as recognisable if you know what I mean. I think the idea of pushing myself into situations where I wouldn't be comfortable in would help but that kind of thing might be beneficial in the long run (but if it's too big a jump then it could of course go totally wrong). I feel that things like meetups with people from here could be something to think about in future that could really help, especially after knowing people on here for a while I don't think it would make it as anxious a situation (presumably) and things like going on cam and mic on rabb.it can really help as well.
QUOTE(ℒ����⻤ @ May 4 2016, 03:08 PM) *
Oooh I haven't actually thought about this before but yea I think quite a few things would be different, maybe I would have fit in more and had a proper circle of friends through high school or even have gotten offers from other universities etc, just being able to talk well at an interview can make a lot of difference, I probably wouldn't be working in the department I am now if I was a people person, I'm sure the person who interviewed me though she's really awkward and probably not great with customers, let's stick her in the back where customer interaction is minimal laugh.gif (I'm happy out the way tbh). I'd be an entirely different person if I wasn't awkward and introverted really. I was thinking about how much of a difference self confidence/acceptance makes though, looking back at a time where I hated myself and felt so uncomfortable in my own skin compared to now, it does make you feel happier, coming to terms with who you are and loving that person does take a really long time for some, it's not an easy thing and that just shows how messed up things in our society are, nobody should ever have to feel so badly about themselves.

(sorry ranted a bit off topic there laugh.gif)

Yeah I'm a little worried about getting a job after my course for this reason really. I guess I could use this stuff I take sometimes which makes me feel more relaxed in tense situations and when I get answered questions and stuff and I'm nervous at the same time I often just mishear the question or my mind goes totally blank and say something like "I don't know" (even when I might actually know the answer but it's just one of those responses you might make when you're nervous and feel like you have to respond so you just say something like that) which could easily mean a missed oppurtunity for the job :/

I used to think I was so different to other people until I joined this site tbh. Always being called quiet and asked why I don't talk a lot when I can't really explain why laugh.gif Buzzjack has made me feel more confident in that I'm not alone with my situation and problems and knowing that there are other people like me out there and that getting older you don't feel as awkward with adults and they don't treat you like they are looking down on you or whatever.
QUOTE(danG @ May 4 2016, 05:32 PM) *
if i wasn't totally socially awkward i'd probably still spend a fair amount of time on "buzzjack". though it's hard to visualise my life without social awkwardness as i've had problems with social situations all my life. i do wish i wasn't so awkward but i don't want to change my personality and interests just to fit in with people. throughout the entirety of my life i've made a lot less friends than the rest of my age group on average and really this website is my social life if you can call it that. it really helps that the talking here isn't face to face as that kind of situation knocks my confidence

Yeah I wouldn't choose to change my personality either, I mean I'm sure there's lots of people out there with similar interests and personality to me but without having social anxiety.
QUOTE(Colm @ May 4 2016, 05:44 PM) *
My experience was thus - I was rubbish at making friends, I hated social situations, I didn't know what to say, I was terrified of being boring. I just didn't click in the same way as a lot of other people seemed to naturally click with new people.

That was my teenage years. When I went to university I was the same. Useless. I had no empathy, was very tactless. I would often say the wrong thing in an effort to say something.

This was all until I was about 25 when things changed. I hadn't even noticed that things had changed until I was chatting to some work colleagues about working abroad for a year or two. I mentioned I had concerns about fitting in and that I don't fit in very easily. My friend at the time said , "My God, Colm. If anyone fits in it's you". And with that I looked around and saw that I had become a different person since I was a teenager. I just learned to read people better. I was somewhat witty and that helped too. I grew in confidence after that and by the time I was 30 had become a person I never even dreamed I could become.

Now I almost instantly make friends with someone, if it's ever going to happen. Just last week I met two new people who I know I'm going to be friends with for a while. I could see them gravitate towards me at a volunteering meeting that I was at.

The moral of my story is - you will probably change a few times by the time you reach the age of 30. I am still changing - and for the better. I'm not saying it will happen to everyone but don't stop trying - it is worth the effort and the work involved. And for some it does take work. I had to overcome incrediblly low self esteem dealt to me by my father. It is quite astonishing that I ever got a job or made any friends. I am so grateful for all my friends - and I thank them semi regularly on Facebook - they are an amazing bunch.

As I mentioned earlier I feel like I'm getting better in social situations (and I'm only 20) so I am hopeful that in 5 year's time I'll be at least able to call myself "normal" (for want of a better word) but just maybe be a bit shy at first but then still be able to discuss stuff in real life like I do on here (not paragraphs like this though, just normal conversations) (this kind of post for example, if Buzzjack was like a town and threads houses or something, I wouldn't imagine myself sitting at a table with others blurting out paragraphs like this in real life laugh.gif)

I also think that I'd probably have moved out by now if I didn't have anxiety. I would have had a better idea of what to do with my life but doing things I've never done before do make me nervous (I know this is common for 99% of people) I guess I'll end up doing normal adulting things eventually but I'm just a slow starter at it tongue.gif

I sometimes used to feel so guilty for expressing so much on here (this isn't like the "are you ever afraid to post?" kind of thing so read this bit carefully plz angel.gif) as I feel a little bit annoyed at myself that I don't do the same in real life. I feel that it's not just anxiety that stops me from expressing myself in real life. The most annoying part of it is that I can't really explain why, sometimes I think it's because talking about things don't "interest" me but obviously that wouldn't make any sense because of what I say on this site! I expect it's something to do with my Asperger's if I can't explain it. I think another reason could be that I sometimes say things that people take the wrong way I intend to (this happens on the site too but if I'm getting better as a poster this would also make me feel more comfortable talking irl I guess too). Despite, I think that it's something I can eventually overcome and not have all my life. It's also one of the biggest reasons why I want to keep Buzzjack away from my mum, just imagining the thought of her finding out how much time I spend on here, that I do actually have things to say but don't say it in real life would just be such a big thing for her to take on. Plus I'd never hear the end of all the questions, "why did you keep this from me all this time?" etc., not to mention she's the type to snoop on here and see what things I'm saying, I mean maybe I won't feel so uncomfortable if she would know about the site for a while, which brings me to another kind of "semi thread idea" that I in a way treat the site as a kind of secret diary where I spill out so many secrets, yet the forum is out there for all to see! I mean cmon Spadz, where is the logic there? rotf.gif

(this post looks rly long and it is kinda, I could edit the quoted posts but I cba to edit out the irrelevant parts laugh.gif)

oh my god, I certainly had a lot on my mind and it all suddenly just spilled out of me, haha!


This post has been edited by spadogs: May 4 2016, 06:48 PM
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post May 4 2016, 07:49 PM
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I like this thread.

QUOTE(spadogs @ May 4 2016, 07:42 PM) *
I feel that things like meetups with people from here could be something to about in future that could really help, especially after knowing people on here for a while I don't think it would make it as anxious a situation (presumably) and things like going on cam and mic on rabb.it can really help as well.


Yeah I've been thinking about Buzzjack meetups a lot lately. A few years ago I would've probably thought "not in a million years" (despite being curious even then) and it's sort of hard to explain why, it just seemed like such a weird concept. I think because I find it difficult to make new friends in real life (I've retained the ones I have, just find it hard to make new ones), it would be great to make the internet friend thing become a real life friends thing. Start off online (where you've already become friends), then meet in real life and voilà - friend in real life!

QUOTE(spadogs @ May 4 2016, 07:42 PM) *
As I mentioned earlier I feel like I'm getting better in social situations (and I'm only 20) so I am hopeful that in 5 year's time I'll be at least able to call myself "normal" (for want of a better word) but just maybe be a bit shy at first but then still be able to discuss stuff in real life like I do on here (not paragraphs like this though, just normal conversations) (this kind of post for example, if Buzzjack was like a town and threads houses or something, I wouldn't imagine myself sitting at a table with others blurting out paragraphs like this in real life laugh.gif)


Yeah I've been thinking about this a lot too. I don't get why I'm able to write well about all topics that interest me (and some that don't I guess!) here on the forum, but in real life the conversation just doesn't seem to go anywhere (INFP thing, I've read kink.gif). I need to find a way to just bring what I have on the forum to real life, just elaborate a bit and say what's on my mind more. I think sometimes the more relaxed you are, the more likely you are to talk (which sounds weird) cos then you're not really thinking about potential responses or whatever, you're just letting the words flow and you don't even need to think about it in order for it to happen successfully.


QUOTE(spadogs @ May 4 2016, 07:42 PM) *
I sometimes used to feel so guilty for expressing so much on here (this isn't like the "are you ever afraid to post?" kind of thing so read this bit carefully plz angel.gif) as I feel a little bit annoyed at myself that I don't do the same in real life. I feel that it's not just anxiety that stops me from expressing myself in real life. The most annoying part of it is that I can't really explain why, sometimes I think it's because talking about things don't "interest" me but obviously that wouldn't make any sense because of what I say on this site! I expect it's something to do with my Asperger's if I can't explain it. I think another reason could be that I sometimes say things that people take the wrong way I intend to (this happens on the site too but if I'm getting better as a poster this would also make me feel more comfortable talking irl I guess too). Despite, I think that it's something I can eventually overcome and not have all my life. It's also one of the biggest reasons why I want to keep Buzzjack away from my mum


Yeah as I said above, I say what's on my mind and talk about my experiences much more here than I do in real life. Obvz when I'm with friends, I'm generally relaxed and we bounce off each other (not sexually) so I talk about the experiences I've had a lot, and I do it here all the time too, but with people I don't know that well, it's still difficult for me to really express myself and I just hope I don't come across unfriendly to those people. I was told recently that once I get going, I'm actually quite chatty - this has always been the case on the internet and it actually does seem to be the case in real life too, I just need to open up a bit more!!

I didn't know you had Asperger's.

And oh my god, I don't like that my mother knows about this site! Why does that feel so cringey laugh.gif A couple of other people in my life know about it too, but I don't generally discuss it with them or anything.

This post might give me slight "Do you ever feel like you're 'cringy' on here?" teas in the future kink.gif
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post May 4 2016, 08:15 PM
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This website has done wonders for my confidence, I don't think I'm that overly confident in person but I don't think I'm awkward. This website has played a large part in my confidence because I've got to make friends that I speak to off the site and have conversations with that has nothing to do with here, i never thought I'd ever meet with anyone from the website, never mind meeting 6 people with some of them being on more than five/six occasions? Its such a good feeling to feel accepted by individuals and creating friendships through that, it worries me though that you can be heavily invested in members from a website and you care about their feelings more so than some of the people you know in "real life".

I get incredibly anxious at the thought of phoning job interviews back, phoning my car insurance etc, I always try to persuade my mum to do the car insurance but the thought of phoning somebody who i don't know makes me incredibly anxious.

The website does have its downsides though as if you get attached, people can make you feel like shit but the positives always outweigh the negatives.


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t=SpunderfulXmas
post May 4 2016, 09:06 PM
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(In reply to Mattias but avoiding the Quote Blocks of Death laugh.gif )

Yeah with the idea of meetups it isn't just the actual idea of a meetup itself for me that I'm nervous about, because 1) I've never actually been up/outside of the country before, I think the furthest I've been is London where one of my Aunts live blush.gif (which is why I keep going on about wanting to travel and stuff) and also it would mean travelling by myself for the first time, on a plane which I've also never rode on before so that's quite a big issue really. And because I share so much on here and I find it hard to think of stuff to talk about (even on here too as I don't often start threads like this unless it just comes to me) With the Asperger's I haven't actually had an official diagnosis of the term but I do get DLA and stuff but most of the symptoms to relate to me, maybe because I'm not officially labelled it's probably borderline or can potentially "go away" to an extent (which I seem to notice has already been happening through my years, it can only get better surely tongue.gif )

Oh and your post was one of your least cringiest kink.gif

I'm getting some kind of kick out of serious topics today for some reason, I guess it's a way that my mind is trying to balance things after my meltdown the other day laugh.gif


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post May 4 2016, 09:32 PM
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I think a very large amount of people are nervous about travelling/travelling alone/planes. I used to refuse to travel on my own by plane as well, until I was maybe about 16 and flew to Estonia on my own for the first time. It went really well and since then I've loved being in airports and on planes on my own (well, with a bunch of people I don't know). It can be a bit scary for anxious people but once you overcome that, it's fine.

I've had this idea of going on holiday alone over the past few months. Would love to just take a break from regular life and be somewhere I've never been (usually my holidays are just me going back to Estonia, where I'm not alone), maybe make friends with some strangers lol

if anyone wants to come see Sigur Rós with me in June, maybe that could be arranged ph34r.gif
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post May 4 2016, 09:39 PM
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Ooh good topic idea~

I guess if I wasn't as I am I would probably be on here still, but definitely not as much as I come on right now. I use Buzzjack as a pastime and something I can do to stop me from being bored, but if I wasn't as shy in making new friends I would probably spend more time socialising. I don't really consider myself anti social, but Id say I spend more time talking to people on Buzzjack on the internet than I do talking to my friends on the internet. I don't want to change anything right now as I'm really happy with where my life is going and what's going on, I've got a great new circle of friends and I'm generally happy with all aspects of my life, so I'm not too bothered about trying to go on Buzzjack less or trying to modify anything else about my life right now.
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post May 4 2016, 10:04 PM
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I pretty much identify with what Colm has experienced, even up until my mid-20s I took a LONG time to open up and trust people I met IRL and to most people that comes across as 'unsociable' but it wasn't because I did not want to share company/experiences with others - just that I didn't feel comfortable doing so, not initially anyway. I didn't really come out of my shell until 22 when I made some brilliant outgoing friends at work who were able to make me feel more confident and happy in myself as a person (and even years after this I was still renowned for being quite shy). I would say just don't worry about it too much - confidence will come in time and for people like me (us?) it takes a long time but there is nothing wrong with that. Especially as you are all so BLOODY young and have so much of life ahead of you.

Anyway yes I'd probably still be here because I am and have always been obsessed with music.
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t=SpunderfulXmas
post May 4 2016, 10:29 PM
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QUOTE(Mattias @ May 4 2016, 10:32 PM) *
I think a very large amount of people are nervous about travelling/travelling alone/planes. I used to refuse to travel on my own by plane as well, until I was maybe about 16 and flew to Estonia on my own for the first time. It went really well and since then I've loved being in airports and on planes on my own (well, with a bunch of people I don't know). It can be a bit scary for anxious people but once you overcome that, it's fine.

I've had this idea of going on holiday alone over the past few months. Would love to just take a break from regular life and be somewhere I've never been (usually my holidays are just me going back to Estonia, where I'm not alone), maybe make friends with some strangers lol

if anyone wants to come see Sigur Rós with me in June, maybe that could be arranged ph34r.gif

Yes that's very true, but as I often forget things and am disorganised I need to check multiple times that I've got everything I need, rereading stuff to make sure I've got the right information etc. which would be especially important when doing something I've not done before (the idea of getting stranded in the middle of nowhere is rather terrifying tbh!) that's why I like to turn up early to things so I have time to remember things (not too early tho or I get bored laugh.gif )


This post has been edited by spadogs: May 4 2016, 10:31 PM
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Liаm
post May 5 2016, 02:12 AM
Post #20
Honey I rose up from the dead I do it all the time
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I wouldn't say I'm socially awkward anywhere near as much since I've come to uni, I have a solid group of friends and I don't get those awful paranoid feelings where I feel like my friends don't ctually like me or they're deliberately excluding me quite so much. I am also a lot more comfortable to say no to people or say my feelings, if someone is pissing me off for example. Before I'd be like "omg they'll hate me if I say anything", but I'd rather say if i'm annoyed really. I think that just comes with me realising that people really ARE my friends, they care what I think and they want to listen to me laugh.gif Uni has really done wonders for me in many ways.

Saying that, I basically avoid my flatmates at all costs because I feel so awkward around them so maybe it's not totally gone kink.gif
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