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> melodifestivalen 2017 / heat one · göteborg (4 feb), pass the poppers loves
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Qassändra
post Feb 2 2017, 02:19 AM
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In times of misery, despair, and Ed Sheeran, only one obstacle stood between queer liberty and the rise of fascism

That obstacle was one nation's Eurovision selection: a festival of women with hair in shades of magenta never seen in nature, of witness protection programs that send white people in front of a nation to pretend to be from Tanzania, and of 28 tracks which without fail provide at least 20 exquisitely crafted bangers to keep all listeners safe in the deep eurovisionless midwinters.

Bangers that cross cultural boundaries, bangers that appeal as much to office Spotify listeners as they do to hardcore fans who can in one breath name the definitive ranking of all Afro-dite's entries group and solo (for the record: aqua playa > the boy can dance > innan natten är over > det vackraste jag vet). Bangers helmed by some of Sweden's biggest stars that are responsible for the nation's Eurovision selection being more popular than Eurovision itself. Contemplate that.

Last year this festival was corrupted, besmirched by a victorious interloper (the keepers of this divine festival dare not speak his name). But legend holds that every time this precious festival is invaded by unfabulous heterosexuality which rejects its dearest principles, it returns the following year all the stronger: ready to right the wrongs of a cruel world with glitter, key changes and enough chiffon to cause famines in Serbia

let the greatest six weeks of the year begin






01: Boris René - Her Kiss
Text och Musik: Tim Larsson och Tobias Lundgren
Best known for: Forsaking a career as a footballer to come 10th last year with Put Your Love On Me
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 2.75 / 7/4 / =4th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen as of 1st Feb (d / f): 26.00 / 25/1 (=13th favourite to win)

oh for fuck's sake this really isn't doing my "come back stronger" theory any favours

Anyway this bitch is kicking things off, having last year attested to Sweden's status as the gayest nation ever, where there's more money in attempting to do Eurovision than in being a professional footballer (and I tell you what not even your average UK NF could get me on board with the idea of a WAYNE ROONEY EUROVISION ENTRY so I'll stay begrudgingly thankful that isn't the case here between you and me loves)

In fairness to him, Put Your Love On Me was a study in the art of making a little go a long way - basic as fuck but actually one of the most insidiously hooky stormers last year had to offer. That said, regardless of whether or not you got on board, it can't exactly be said the whole "hen night kicks its heels off for a night on the tiles at Infernos" vibe to the thing left you DRIPPING AT THE CHUFF for a return.

But here we are and it's opening the damn thing so if I were you I'd probably steel myself for the likelihood of hearing it again once or twice in the next few weeks. He's hooked up with the veteran MF songwriters Larsson and Lundgren, who were responsible for Put Your Love On Me and a LOT of other tracks from Melodipast (including but not limited to the indomitable Alcastar, Alla flickor, Om natten, Hur svårt kan det va, Elektrisk, Heartbreak Hotel, and last year's Maltese entry Walk On Water). So they know their way around a hook. But will Her Kiss be even the slightest bit essential enough to make you not resent a qualification fuelled by people who like their music sounding like a Harvester advert?


02: Adrijana - Amare
Text och Musik: Martin Tjärnberg och Adrijana Krasniqi
Best known for: She AIN'T
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 7.00 / 6/1 / 7th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen as of 1st Feb (d / f): 51.00 / 50/1

This woman is apparently 19. I know the Balkans had a hard time of it in the 90s but COME OFF IT LOVE THE WARS WERE OVER BY THEN



This has been put in the death slot of second. And it's not a real surprise - 'hatchet faced Macedonian immigrant bringing hip hop to the Swedish masses' isn't what you'd GENERALLY finger as a formula for Melodifestivalen success. Trust me - there's form for this gamble in Kwanzaa - Lovin Your Feen (the results were so disastrous all evidence it ever happened has been erased from Youtube)

But despite her debut Kan nt med mig being exactly the kind of 2013-esque trap headache you'd expect to be seventh with a bullet, there are rumblings from the reviews that this is something much more special. Word is this is the kind of synth joy that wouldn't be out of place if Beyoncé went Swedish, and if latest preview single Nån som mig is anything to go Adrijana's more than capable of marrying a bit of melody and BLESSÉD SYNTH to her hip hop.

This is the one I'm keeping an eye out for as a dark horse this Saturday - but will the lack of name power hold Adrijana back in what's already a deeply competitive heat?


03: Dinah Nah - One More Night
Text och Musik: Thomas G:son, Jimmy Jansson, Dinah Nah och dr alban
Best known for: Redefining the ambition of female hardklubb Melodifestivalen entries forevermore with 90s odyssey Make Me (La La La)
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 2.75 / 7/4 / =4th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen as of 1st Feb (d / f): 21.00 / 20/1 (12th favourite to win)

In 2015, I was confronted by an orgy of strobe lights, unflinching beats with force unseen outside total warfare, and a single glowing beacon of magenta. I fell to the ground, shaking, convulsing, crying. The flashing lights made others suspect epilepsy, but a trip to A&E and three screaming fits later the doctor told me: I had actually just been Saved.

It was the greatest thing I had ever seen: an anthem most at home staggering around a Vauxhall dancefloor at 3am under the influence of select substances and unsure if you can even focus your eyesight long enough to order an Uber home, delivered by a siren both clearly unable to dance if her life depended on it but also responsible for the first ever competent vocal delivery of a straight-up club banger at Melodifestivalen.

Thereafter I made it my mission to save others, establishing Chrisdinahnahty and reading from the Book of Nah to all who would listen, taking Robot and Vülker into my flock. The power of a crashed app vote in the final during her performance allowed me to avoid the pain of cognitive dissonance when our sweet Lady of Nah finished last, reasoning that her sheer popularity overloaded an undersupplied app voting network. And after all - if even I couldn't even that Uber home (reliably choosing instead to go back to that mildly sinister 40 year old's place), how were Ms Nah's supporters to be expected to focus their eyes long enough to dial her voting number?

I knew she would return one day to save me. And we have been graced beyond great measure. As all appalling artists know, the only way to defeat neon orange is with neon pink. Displaying a similar predilection for offensive and narrow-minded depictions of Hispanic culture to our new fascistic overlord, our Saviour Ms Nah has allegedly returned in six-inch heels with a homage to the definitive Latinx-aping Scandinavian NF entry: Bombo. With a NINETIES RAP BREAKDOWN (this paragraph took me about half an hour to write due to intermittent hysterical crying fits)

When the blackshirts come for me I will be playing this on blast. But will Sweden be playing this on blast again beyond this Saturday?


04: De vet du - Road Trip
Text och Musik: John Gunter Berg och Christopher Martland
Best known for: Samir & Viktor-esque Youtube comedy troupe who've crossed over to live bookings
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 2.38 / 11/8 / 3rd
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen as of 1st Feb (d / f): 17.00 / 16/1 (11th favourite to win)

Oh fuck off.


05: Charlotte Perrelli - Mitt liv
Text och Musik: Charlotte Perrelli och Lars Hagglund
Best known for: Eurovision winner, schlager royalty, and performer of the greatest song of all time
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 3.00 / 2/1 / 6th
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen as of 1st Feb (d / f): 26.00 / 25/1

pictured - me when some queens affect disappointment at the forthcoming Charlotte Perrelli entry in my presence



You. Yes, you. You can shut the fuck up. This woman has NOTHING LEFT TO PROVE TO YOU. You come back when you have won Eurovision not only once but TWICE (coincidentally birthing the now popular term "fake news" the second time, when despite winning with all the 12s with the unanswerable apex of Western civilisation Hero some queens decided to spread rumours that she actually finished 18th. be warned that I have pushed people down stairs for sharing this repulsive Russian propaganda.)

I was wary, I admit. On hearing of my queen's return my excitement was so fervent it was covered in Swedish tabloids, but the news that her inconceivable failure in 2012 with The Girl had led min Harlot to turn her back on schlager and pick up the acoustic guitar was a kick in the balls so brutal I feared I would never survive during those dark days in December.

But if Britney could get through Iggy Azalea, I could get through this. This woman has paid her dues and needs to have her Joanne moment. And that is fine. Don't you dare say a fucking thing otherwise or so help me god I will HAVE WORDS.




06: Ace Wilder - Wild Child
Text och Musik: Peter Bostrom, Thomas G:son och Ace Wilder
Best known for: Being Sweden's poster child for aging disgracefully with 2014 MF 2nd placer Busy Doin Nothin and last year's 3rd placer Don't Worry
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 1.44 / 4/9 / 1st
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 8.00 / 7/1 (=4th favourite to win)

A friend of mine has a close friend who lived an entirely respectable married life in a lovely house until her mid-30s. One day her husband served her with divorce papers. Within two months she was taking cocaine weekly. Within six months she was evicted from her house, having spent all of her mortgage repayment money on the devil's dandruff. Ace Wilder has mustered a career thus far pretending to be the human embodiment of this impulse.

It's done her well so far. Busy Doin' Nothin' took everybody by surprise three years ago, going from heat filler no-hoper to pushing Sweden's sweetheart Sanna Nielsen within two points of victory in the final as the breakout hit of the year. Don't Worry exceeded all expectations and managed to overcome Ace's FOUL CONSTANT MUGGING to somehow win me over completely to this bitch, being so catchy I literally haven't gone a week without listening to it and identifying worryingly deeply with about half the lyrics.

As my friend's story attests to, we can all feel a sense of lost youth when things start to go wrong. Staring the chill wind of her 60s in the face, Ace Wilder has realised it's now or never for her dream of winning Melodifestivalen, and after two anthems dedicated to being an immature hot mess, the lady (and lord knows she hasn't been a girl for a while) is deciding to protest too much for a third time in a row with a track literally called Wild Child (a bit ON THE NOSE you may say but when was the last time a woman who went onstage in front of a nation in a metal breastplate was renowned for subtlety and nuance?)

But this is the problem: if you don't manage it the second time around after your breakout year, there isn't a hell of a lot of precedent for making it beyond that. Shirley Clamp came back to one of the most ignominious and shocking failures with her third bite as a star. Andreas Johnson collaborated with the biggest star in Sweden short of ABBA and got relegated to an andra chansen exit. Måns went into exile and wandered the deserts for six years before returning with something unrecognisable from his first two hits. Put simply, the Swedes haven't demonstrated much capacity for not getting a bit sick of the same old shit three times in.
An
Goodness knows our Ace is a game bird who won't take no for an answer though - and all the more power to her! *.* And with Wild Child she has one of the greatest songwriting duos ever mustered in MF - G:son och Bostrom, erstwhile geniuses behind the likes of Evighet, I'm In Love, and Euphoria. Is it enough to overcome the traditional MF trend of third time unlucky?


07: Nano - Hold On
Text och Musik: Nano Omar, Gino Yonan, ayak, Carl Rydén, Christoffer Belaieff, Rikard de Bruin, David Francis Jackson
Best known for: Had a hit in Sweden in 2015 with Perfect Melody
William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 1.73 / 8/11 / 2nd
William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 9.00 / 8/1 (6th favourite to win)

On paper this isn't one I'd get excited about at all - his big hit Perfect Melody sounds like pretty much everything that has sapped my desire to listen to a single Spotify recommendation in the last three years - but someone without much name power doesn't get the pimp slot in a star-packed heat for no reason. Emotional gospel-tinged pop is on offer here, and the whispers are that this is the first track of the year that could unquestionably go all the way. I'm hoping for something close to recent single The Day I'm Gone, which has the twist of darkness you could see his Weekend-esque voice doing damage with on something bigger.

The test? You lot - if you're on board with something like this by the end of Saturday, we could well have our winner a week in. If so, I'd advise to keep an eye out for the famed ACE FACE OF HATE during the results *.*

---

Here's the projected timetable for the week:

Thursday: Reviews of the rehearsals with thirty second clips of the performances on SVT.se, and a minute-long clip of the studio versions in the afternoon. You can take your impressions with a pinch of salt - in traditional fashion I will be taking them with a pinch of hyperbole.
Friday: Reviews of the second rehearsal and the notoriously hit-or-miss results of the 'gen-rep' poll of audience members at the rehearsals
Saturday: In previous years 2:30 clips of the studio versions of the songs were uploaded to SVT in the early afternoon around 1pm (GMT), but the 1 minute clips this year may see those retired. A livestream of the heat will start at 7pm GMT on svt.se/melodifestivalen

GO GO GO MIN ÄLSKLINGAR
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Qassändra
post Feb 2 2017, 02:32 AM
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My INITIAL PREDICTION:

DTG: Nano, Ace Wilder
AC: Adrijana, De vet du
05: Boris René
06: Dinah Nah
07: Charlotte Perrelli
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Iz~
post Feb 2 2017, 10:06 AM
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Yes, the return of the Qass writeups *.* I've been waiting for this and that's been excellent to give me a low down.

For example I was basing Nano's quality on his looks and was expecting his past hits to sound far better because I expect all people who look like THAT to be Meatloaf tribute acts rather than a Spotify light RnB specialist. Still quite excited to hear what he has to offer though. I'm also interested for Adrijana based on the unknown. For the known I'm kind of just expecting Dinah and Ace to have complete rehashes of their past sounds which isn't the worst thing but nor is it the best. I might even be kindly disposed to this Perrelli experiment, depends on how interesting it turns out to be.

Based on absolutely nothing I'm just gonna go for this:

DTF: Nano, De Vet Du
AC: Ace Wilder, Boris Rene
5th: Dinah Nah
6th: Adrijana
7th: Charlotte Perrelli
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Lorderella
post Feb 2 2017, 11:56 AM
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"De vet du - Road Trip

Oh f*** off".

The most insightful thing of this write up. They can frankly choke to death with Anton Ewald's old unwashed vibrator.
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AdamAloud
post Feb 2 2017, 12:43 PM
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That Perrelli write-up *.* In fact the whole thing is of course sublime, so looking forward to the next sex veckor.

Predictions wise, I agree with Iz.
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AdamAloud
post Feb 2 2017, 01:33 PM
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1 minute clips of the studio versions are here!
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Qassändra
post Feb 2 2017, 01:39 PM
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I am SCREAMING with VINTAGE MELODIFESTIVALEN JOY at One More Night! *o*

And OMG at Ace's chorus
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AdamAloud
post Feb 2 2017, 01:45 PM
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WHAT A DELTÄVLING heart.gif
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Ryan.
post Feb 2 2017, 01:45 PM
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Surprised Nano has gone Rudimental rather than tropical but it sounds like it could be a moment! Ace's offering seems good as always.
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Iz~
post Feb 2 2017, 01:48 PM
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Sounds like I could be filing Road Trip right next to Bada Nakna for 'should be shit but is amazingly trashy'.

Nano and Ace sound like they've brought it too.
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Aaron.
post Feb 2 2017, 01:49 PM
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Boris Rene: Wow, I don't 100% hate this...
De Vet Du: Um. No thank you?
Madamme Perrelli: sad.gif
Ace Wilder: Ace Wilder meets RuPaul? *.* THIS IS GREAT
Nano: Very NOW. I can see this taking the whole heat.
Adrijana: Someone had to come last I guess? Great beat tho.. This could beat Perrelli.. K the more I listen to it the more I like it... damnit.
DINAH NAH: It's no Make Me Lah Lah Lah.. But.. I do really like it. A bit simple tho?

Damn this is a great heat. Can't De Vet Du just come 6th with Nano/Ace/Dinah/Boris in the mix for DTF and AC?
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gooddelta
post Feb 2 2017, 01:59 PM
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Woah, Ace's song sounds mega <3

Hold On sounds good, but I feel like it's going to be one of the favourites that i never massively love. The Rudimental type sound is only good in small doses for me.

Perrelli's sounds like it could be quite nice in its own way I guess laugh.gif

I was expecting more from Adrijana but will wait to hear the whole thing.

Dinah's dated generic pop has never won me over as much as it seems to appeal to everyone else drama.gif

Not going to comment on De Vet Du or Boris Rene yet...they sound nice enough for what they are I guess.

Fantastic write-up as ever btw Tirren.
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Lorderella
post Feb 2 2017, 02:22 PM
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DINAH NAH OH MY GOD YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS *.*

Ace, Adrijana and Nano all sound great too but goddamn it DINAH HAS DONE IT AGAIN.

FANTASTIC HEAT.
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LexC
post Feb 2 2017, 02:28 PM
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Nano is the only one where I think I need to hear the full three minute song to get it entirely but even then I'm pretty sure that's a lock in. I am actually fairly confident that Ace still has enough good will/fans behind her and a strong enough song to equal Lindgren's 3 DTFs from 3 heats.

De vet du will probably do a Samir and Viktor in so far as they'll go to AC, become a massive Spotify hit, win AC comfortably and then get sunk by the international juries come the final. I think the 'comedy' songs tend to have a cieling of about third place unless they're in the pimp slot like C**********a and they don't seem to have QUITE as big of a name/rep behind them that S&V had (and realtalk, none of them measure up to S&V in THAT respect save for maybe the decent 7 on the middle right).

Below the Nano/Ace/De vet du top three is where I think it gets interesting. Before I heard the songs I'd have probably gone with Boris also getting an AC place, Dina in fifth and then Adrjanna and St. Perelli bringing up the rear but Boris does not seem to be living up to last year's song at all (and that rehearsal clip is UBER LAME). Dina is all I hoped for and is all the more *.* worthy for that (and I suspect the 90s style rap will be the earth shattering moment I am calming my minge in preparation for) and Adrjanna is very of the now/feasibly a Spotify hit that I don't think it's as dead in the water as it might have been.

Fair play to her holiness for doing this on her own terms but I will respectfully look elsewhere for my moments this week.
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Qassändra
post Feb 2 2017, 03:57 PM
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Bad news - Ace Wilder's dye job has turned her into Malena Ernman

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gooddelta
post Feb 2 2017, 04:09 PM
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I think she looks ok for 68!
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Lorderella
post Feb 2 2017, 04:21 PM
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I think it's good if she plans to win then
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5 Silas Frøkner
post Feb 2 2017, 06:03 PM
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Jesus Christ did she sell her 'youth' to the devil for a third chance at MF glory?

At this rate by the time we get to Ukraine she'll look like Kellyanne Conjob.
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5 Silas Frøkner
post Feb 2 2017, 06:03 PM
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Fab write up as per Ti!
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Liаm
post Feb 2 2017, 06:08 PM
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WILD CHILD OH MY SWEET JESUS
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