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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:19 PM
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Love this joke so just had to post it!!


Neil Dunne said his goodbyes to his mother in their remote Irish village, and set off for London, promising to write.

Six months later, he still hadn't written. Another man from the village, Seamus Flynn, was going to England so Neil's mother asked Seamus to try to find him.

"Will ya try to find my Neily?"

"I will Mrs Dunne... where did he say he was going?"

"All I know is 'London, WC1."

"Ok so Mrs Dunne, I'll see if I can find him."

Seamus arrived at London Heathrow airport, and as he was heading out of the terminal, he saw a sign on a door which read 'WC'. He went inside, and saw a cubicle marked with the letter '1'. He knocked on the door.

"Yes?"

"Are you Neily Dunne?"

"Yes, but I don't have any paper."

"Well that's no reason for not writing to your mother."


This post has been edited by commonsense: Nov 1 2017, 04:19 PM
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:20 PM
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If anyone wants one about a funeral director and a prawn please PM me as I daren't post it.
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Doctor Blind
post Oct 26 2017, 03:32 PM
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:37 PM
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Why were George Michael's trousers covered in chocolate?

Because he was careless with his Wispa.
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:44 PM
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President Trumnp visited Buckingham Palace. "Your Majesty", he asked her. "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficent government ? Are there any tips you can give me?
"Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned.

"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy" the Queen replied. "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle".
She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."

The Prime Minister walked into the room. "You called for me, Your Majesty?"

"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa" the Queen said. "Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good" said the Queen.

Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.

Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office
"Mike, answer this for me" said the Don. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence "let me get back to you on that one".

Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her, much to her surprise.

"Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me."

"Sure, Mike" Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?"

"Thanks" said Pence, "it's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Hillary answered right back,"That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, "Thanks!"

Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. "It's Hillary Clinton."

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot you're sacked for being thick. It's Theresa May!"


This post has been edited by commonsense: Oct 26 2017, 03:44 PM
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Cucumberella
post Oct 26 2017, 03:44 PM
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QUOTE(commonsense @ Oct 26 2017, 04:37 PM) *
Why were George Michael's trousers covered in chocolate?

Because he was careless with his Wispa.

oh dear god!
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Doctor Blind
post Oct 26 2017, 03:47 PM
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What's the difference between America and a yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt for 300 years, it develops a culture. basil.gif tirren.jpg
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:48 PM
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Evil horny blackbird is flying around one day when he spots a bird on the ground. He swoops down, has his evil way with the bird and flies away.

The bird looks up and says "I'm a little dove and I've had a little love and I'm happy".

The evil blackbird soon spots another bird, swoops down, has his way with the bird and flies off.

The bird looks up and says "I'm a little duck and I've had a little luck and I'm happy".

Not long after, the horny blackbird spots another bird, swoops down and has his evil way and flies off.

The bird looks up and says "I'm a little drake and he's made a big mistake and I'm happy".
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Cucumberella
post Oct 26 2017, 03:48 PM
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What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

magic.gif
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:53 PM
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A couple took a wrong turn whilst looking round an ancient castle. They came across a door which was wedged tightly shut. Being convinced that they needed to go through it to find their way out, they wrenched it open.
In front of them was a skeleton with a medal around its neck.
"What does the inscription on the medal say?" asked the girl.
Her partner replied - "It says - Hide and Seek Champion 1692"
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 03:59 PM
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Yesterday I went to the zoo and all they had to exhibit was one dog.
It was a shihtzu.
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 04:06 PM
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I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.
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The Diplomat
post Oct 26 2017, 04:24 PM
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QUOTE(commonsense @ Oct 26 2017, 05:06 PM) *
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands. There is no cure.


Brilliant.
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Klaus
post Oct 26 2017, 04:46 PM
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wtf are perfect places
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This is absolutely true. About 10 years ago my crown came off my tooth on Christmas Eve so rang the dentist and he told me to keep it safe and he'd stick it back on in the New Year, cheaper than ordering a new one. So I popped it in a wine glass for safe keeping. Christmas dinner and wife's friends came. Well their daughter, 19, took a sip of wine and said "What's this in the bottom of my wine glass?" OMG, was my crown. ohmy.gif She hasn't been to a meal since!! We all laughed but not her. Wife had supposedly washed all the glasses.
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commonsense
post Oct 26 2017, 04:50 PM
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QUOTE(Calcified Froot @ Oct 26 2017, 05:46 PM) *
This is absolutely true. About 10 years ago my crown came off my tooth on Christmas Eve so rang the dentist and he told me to keep it safe and he'd stick it back on in the New Year, cheaper than ordering a new one. So I popped it in a wine glass for safe keeping. Christmas dinner and wife's friends came. Well their daughter, 19, took a sip of wine and said "What's this in the bottom of my wine glass?" OMG, was my crown. ohmy.gif She hasn't been to a meal since!! We all laughed but not her. Wife had supposedly washed all the glasses.



I've heard that one somewhere before. biggrin.gif
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5 Silas Frøkner
post Oct 26 2017, 04:53 PM
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QUOTE(Doctor Blind @ Oct 26 2017, 04:47 PM) *
What's the difference between America and a yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt for 300 years, it develops a culture. basil.gif tirren.jpg

!!!
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Mart!n
post Oct 26 2017, 05:01 PM
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Infamy Infamy they all got it in for me
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How do you make a snooker table laugh

Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls

basil.gif ph34r.gif
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SPINEMATIC
post Oct 26 2017, 05:05 PM
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Hang in when the world counts you out and you’re gonna be fine
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mellow.gif
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Liаm
post Oct 26 2017, 05:10 PM
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Honey I rose up from the dead I do it all the time
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I once had an invisible boyfriend. I don't know what came over me.
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HarryApa
post Oct 26 2017, 05:12 PM
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Sit Down. Be Humble.
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QUOTE(Liаm @ Oct 26 2017, 06:10 PM) *
I once had an invisible boyfriend. I don't know what came over me.

rotf.gif ffs
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