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Jack
post Nov 1 2017, 08:46 PM
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As some may know, I lost my Dad last year - exactly a year ago last week to be precise. It's been the closest death I had to the family, still it didn't hit me as instantly as I thought it would, and it's been on this year's anniversary where it's hit me harder strangely as I've thought more about memories from childhood that I have been fond of. When it happened, I didn't have the best relationship with him, so whilst of course I wasn't happy at all, it didn't hit straight away.

Anyway, this isn't just a thread for me to moan. I know a lot of people on here have sadly, probably dealt with a close death in some form or another and I just wondered, do we ever really get over it?? And how have you coped if you have had to??

Also, please feel free to use this as a thread if you have lost someone and just want to post about how you're feeling, and for others to show support.


This post has been edited by Jack: Nov 1 2017, 08:46 PM
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Jade
post Nov 1 2017, 08:57 PM
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The worst death to hit me was definitely my great grandma 2 years ago. I don't know if people are typically close with their great grandparents (if they're still around) but my great grandma lived round the corner of me and was one of my best friends. When she died I was inconsolable and felt like my whole world had been turned upside down. It absolutely sucked because I knew she was ill, so we had got on a plane to Spain to visit her in her final days and she died 5 minutes before we arrived at the hospital. That broke my heart so so so much. I think it took about a year to finally sink in? There are still things I can't do though, such as go on holiday to Spain in the area where her second home was (an annual tradition of about 10 years that was broken due to this) but in general, the support of my family helped me through. I also try to remember the happy times and keep her close to my heart. E.g. she left her precious necklace to me that she wore for over 50 years so I have that. The initial grieving process is genuinely the worst thing ever though and I hope I don't have to go through it again any time soon.

I remember you mentioning the death of your dad on here at the time Jack, can't believe that was a year ago. Stay strong, I'm sure he would be really proud of you.
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M.
post Nov 1 2017, 09:12 PM
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Oh gosh :'(

Some people may remember, I lost my Dad to suicide when I was 17. We didn't live together at that stage anymore and there were things that bothered me about him throughout most of my life, such as his alcoholism and the way I watched him really go downhill in front of my eyes when I was a teenager and would visit him. It's quite sad to post about and I feel like I'm invading my family's privacy in a way but it's probably ok.

I feel like it's hitting me more now. I don't think I will ever truly get "over" it, it was horrible to lose someone like that.

People have different ways of coping too. I honestly would say: yell, scream, write stuff on a piece of paper and then burn it, anything you can do to get stuff out. My sister actually told me after our Dad passed away that she wrote a list of the good memories she remembered of our father. She had probably a worse relationship with him than I did, but it really moved me when she said "no bad memories actually came to me when writing the list".
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Cucumberella
post Nov 1 2017, 09:18 PM
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I remember your story really well Jade sad.gif Can't believe it's been two years. Absolutely horrific stuff for you too Jack and Mattias - interesting to see that everyone has taken so long to grieve and that it's really hard to come to terms with.

Nothing's really been as bad as my brother dying this year death wise (I have had close deaths but it was my dad when I was really young and my gran which was hard but easier to accept). It's still incredibly surreal and has only really gotten worse with the passing months. I've recently moved out of the flat him, my mum and I shared which was rough and I am signed off work from an office where we both used to work (I started recently getting panic attacks at work as a delayed reaction so that was bizarre) so I'm constantly reminded of him but without any closure - it's really taking its toll on me. I'm trying to imagine a scenario when it'll be okay and I'll cope but right now it's really difficult - luckily I'm in a new flat where I'm in control and I think looking for a new job might be the best thing for me.
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Colm
post Nov 1 2017, 09:34 PM
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So sad to read these stories.

I lost my dad in July but I wasn't very close to him so I don't miss him that much. I only get upset about it when my mother gets upset.
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lotita
post Nov 1 2017, 09:42 PM
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my heart is breaking reading everyones posts, a COLLECTIVE HUG TO YOU ALL <3 i find it so touching people can share memories like this here to help each other!

in my final year of GCSEs i lost my gran, then my uncle quite close to each other (both to cancer) and then my great gran (other side of family) a couple months after. i was really close with my gran whenever i got the chance to see her (she lived on the iow and found travelling to us difficult) and seeing the affect on my mum losing her mum and brother in such little time was probably the hardest part of all of it to me. i couldn't go to the funeral for any of them, i didn't feel like i was ready to grieve in that way (tbf i was generally just a mess then in all proportions, i'd definitely have the mental strength now to go to a funeral).

this sounds really cocky, but i know my gran would be so proud of me if she was still alive. i find it scary how in some aspects i'm really starting to turn out like her (blame her for my lipstick love!) but like jade- i still have some of her things which is so comforting <3
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lewistgreen
post Nov 1 2017, 09:49 PM
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I've never really lost a close family member but I have lost 2 best friends. One in 2014 a few weeks before we finished university which was horrible because we were so close to finishing the same degree but also having to juggle final deadlines and working but I think keeping busy helped. The other friend I lost in May this year and I'd known him since I was 3 years old. That is still kinda raw with me. I think about him most days and I feel like I have processed that it's happened but there's a somewhat dull, numb feeling present whenever I'm reminded of it. Talking about him and the times we spent together with others within our friendship group has helped a lot there but I do feel this will take some time to get used to overall.
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ʟɪɴᴅs.
post Nov 1 2017, 09:58 PM
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The death in my family that's affected me the most is my gran. All my other grandparents died before I was born or just after so I don't really remember them but my gran died most eleven years ago, I was only ten but it really hit me hard and it took me literally years to sort of deal with it. I cried myself to sleep like every night for years because I missed her so much but my family doesn't really talk about things so after my parents told us she'd passed away, it wasn't really brought up again so that's how I dealt with it I guess. I was too scared I'd upset my mum more than anything by asking about her. My parents never told us how she died until we were older, we were just told she died in her sleep but it was breast cancer that she had. I think because me and Cameron were so young, it was more of a protection thing to not tell us, my mum would only let us go to her wake and not the whole funeral and towards the end we didn't get to see her much because of how ill she was so I've always felt like I never really got to say goodbye to her properly as it was like she was here one moment and gone the next. I was really close to her as well, closer than I am to any of my family and she lived a five minute walk away from where I grew up so I'd see her every day. I don't think you ever really get over it, like i've got upset right now just thinking about her because she died right before all the kind of big stuff in my life happened and I always think about what she'd think of certain things. It hit me really hard on her anniversary last year because I'd lived more of my life without her than with her and that still feels so wrong. I'll be graduating uni next year too and that's a big thing that I'll be thinking about her all the way through. I guess it just gets easier to adjust to not having someone in your life but you never get over it.
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T Boy
post Nov 1 2017, 10:02 PM
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I count myself as quite fortunate that Iíve not yet lost a close family member or friend. I have lost my paternal Grandad and my great grandmother but for the former, he lived far away and I was quite young and for the latter she was just months away from her 100th birthday and so despite it being sad I wouldnít say I grieved long for her.

It may sound ridiculous but the worst Iíve ever felt with grief was actually after losing my dog 2 years ago. He was a constant in my life for nearly 17 years and I really felt something was missing when we lost him.

I havenít mentioned this on here before but I have sort of been grieving a friendship for the past 6 months. Now this isnít your bog standard falling out with a friend-we didnít even fall out but the relationship was killed in an instant. I had a friend/work colleague who I socialised with for 5 years-our group canít even think about most of the things we did in that time without mentioning him. However, it was found out some time ago that he did some very unethical things that I canít go into, and I, as well as other colleagues, had to immediately cut him off and I realised he hadnít been the person that Iíd thought he was. That sudden change in dynamics felt very like heíd died. Itís hard to explain. I canít look at social events from the past few years in the same way again, knowing what I now know. The fact that it wasnít a friendship naturally falling apart but rather one that was cut off immediately. Summer term last year was literally the worst time of my life.
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The Diplomat
post Nov 1 2017, 11:20 PM
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These posts are very sad to read sad.gif

It just reminds me how life is short and can potentially end suddenly and to make the absolute most of the time you have with people you are close to.

I haven't had any share of grieving fortunately yet because I have not yet lost a close family member and I would only see my grandparents occasionally when they were still alive but ti was sad when they died but I didn't have an extended period of grieving I would say maybe as I was much younger at the time.

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HarryApa
post Nov 1 2017, 11:51 PM
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My Great Grandma passed away 4 years ago she was the closest person to me to have died even if we wasn't massively close. It still sucked but I knew she was ill and I looked it as if she wouldn't be in pain anymore.

I know people think it's weird to say a death of a pet is hard hitting but when my childhood dog Woody passed away a couple of years back I took it harder than I thought took me a while to come to terms with it. We have two beautiful dogs now but me being a dog lover and I found companionship in my dog than most of my friends and like he was family to me.
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King Rollo
post Nov 2 2017, 12:29 PM
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My mother died in 1979 from cancer when I was just 13. My sister and I were much closer to her than we were to our dad so it hit us both very hard. My dad died in 2000,also from cancer. I got much closer to him during his final years. Three of my grandparents were dead before I was born and the other died when I was about four. I've lost some aunts and uncles as well. Things do get easier over time. I'm quite a resilient,optimistic person so I haven't let these things affect me too much.
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breezyspice
post Nov 2 2017, 03:21 PM
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QUOTE(M. @ Nov 1 2017, 03:12 PM) *
Oh gosh :'(

Some people may remember, I lost my Dad to suicide when I was 17. We didn't live together at that stage anymore and there were things that bothered me about him throughout most of my life, such as his alcoholism and the way I watched him really go downhill in front of my eyes when I was a teenager and would visit him. It's quite sad to post about and I feel like I'm invading my family's privacy in a way but it's probably ok.

I feel like it's hitting me more now. I don't think I will ever truly get "over" it, it was horrible to lose someone like that.

People have different ways of coping too. I honestly would say: yell, scream, write stuff on a piece of paper and then burn it, anything you can do to get stuff out. My sister actually told me after our Dad passed away that she wrote a list of the good memories she remembered of our father. She had probably a worse relationship with him than I did, but it really moved me when she said "no bad memories actually came to me when writing the list".


Wow. Well, I completely know where you're coming from, I could've written your post verbatim (so for that, I send a hug). I'm not sure how long ago you were 17 but it's been well over a decade for me. Really hard for a while at first, then it turned into holidays like his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas. Then it got really bad at very major milestone - ESPECIALLY the decade mark. It's creeping up on the 17 year mark at which I can't help but think - the same amount of time has gone by without him than what I had with him, which feels very somber.

I wrote a lot poetry back then. I had a book called "How to Heal Your Grieving Heart" which gave ideas on little things you could do each day that you were hurting and it helped!
We didn't really have any of his things as his ex-wife took everything dry.gif but we (kids) managed to get one item each, so those things really mean a lot.
I got a tattoo in honor of him, that was therapeutic. While it HAS gotten easier with time, it's not short of those moments where it still really hurts. But, when I look back to how broken I felt initially, I don't feel "broken" anymore, so that's something.

So many of us here have lost a parent. Much love to all of you.
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aDNAn
post Nov 2 2017, 03:25 PM
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Awee Jack I totally am in same stage as you sad.gif

Just 5 months ago I lost my mom to cancer and it was really hard coping and dealing with her death, especially last month since it was her 62nd B'day sad.gif.

Even though she was ill for a while and I knew what cancer will do, still the day she died I was so numb, shocked and in disbelief.

I had to go to therapy for 4 months in a row which helped me cope with pain a lot but what really made accept the loss and continue living my life on day by day without my mom was getting Cairo (cat) wub.gif as a b'day gift from my lovely husband, which he is therapist himself. He told me that getting a pet will ease the grieving process and boy he was right. I feel like Cairo gives me that unconditionally love and partly fills the void that is in me since I lost my mom.

Do you have a pet or considered getting one? And please feel free to reach out to me anytime you feel. Sending you hugs Jack wub.gif
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commonsense
post Nov 2 2017, 04:06 PM
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I lost my mum last February. She was 90 and had cancer but I really miss her and think about her every day. Seems to have hit me harder than it did the first few weeks and months even as me and my sister were busy doing all the paperwork, the probate ourselves and emptying her bungalow. Dad died in 2001 but I was always closer to my mum. She was my best friend and could talk to her about anything. With all the worry of my benefits at present I wish she was here to commiserate with me. sad.gif If she was well she'd certainly come down and go to my appeal tribunal with me. Wild horses wouldn't keep her away. Don't get on with my sister as we have a mutual dislike of each other and haven't seen her since last May. We've agreed to keep in touch though for our parents' sake.

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M.
post Nov 2 2017, 05:22 PM
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Just wanted to say thanks @ breezyspice happy.gif It will be nine years next month.
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Jupiteer
post Nov 2 2017, 09:16 PM
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Some sad stories here. My heart goes out to you all.

I'm lucky it's been a while since a loss in my family. This time of year I'm often supporting my dad as he had the misfortune to lose a lot of his family around these months, both his parents and his two brothers as well, all in different years of course. He was much closer to them all than I was.

Similar to T Boy I guess my most recent 'loss' is, again, of a good friend who revealed themself to be a bit of a nasty piece of work. It caught a lot of our friends by surprise because this person never seemed the sort, but it turned out they had been abusing their partner for a long time which was really hard to deal with processing, for someone you used to be very close to and have high regard for. This year I've also had a close friend lose their younger brother to suicide which was also a bit difficult, to see them going through such pain and hurt, and of course, the tragedy of a young person passing in that way. I guess it also upset me a bit personally because I work with young people specifically to try and prevent that kind of thing happening, and also because it was sexuality related and I hate to see that kind of thing happening in 2017, it's absolutely tragic.

Now that I think about it actually one of my work colleagues died recently too. That hasn't sunk in for me yet though. I'm not looking forward to it hitting. They were quite old, but it was still a shock and unexpected. Uh, to answer the question about grieving, I try and put it off a bit but address it slowly and don't hide from it. My mum likes to try and forget people that have passed altogether, or bad things, and I've always found that kind of unhealthy, so I try and avoid doing that. Also, I let myself have emotions. For me, therapy helped a lot with how I approach grief, and emotions now in general. It's something I think we're taught to suppress which only makes it harder to get through.


This post has been edited by Jupiteer: Nov 2 2017, 09:18 PM
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commonsense
post Nov 4 2017, 01:28 PM
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QUOTE(King Rollo @ Nov 2 2017, 12:29 PM) *
My mother died in 1979 from cancer when I was just 13. My sister and I were much closer to her than we were to our dad so it hit us both very hard. My dad died in 2000,also from cancer. I got much closer to him during his final years. Three of my grandparents were dead before I was born and the other died when I was about four. I've lost some aunts and uncles as well. Things do get easier over time. I'm quite a resilient,optimistic person so I haven't let these things affect me too much.



Are you still very close to your sister then?
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King Rollo
post Nov 4 2017, 05:12 PM
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We live in different countries now. I moved to Ireland (my mother's side of the family are Irish) and she lives in England but I would still say we are close. We keep in touch all the time.
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Jack
post Nov 4 2017, 05:39 PM
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It was my dads birthday this weekend and so we visited his hometown (Leek) and it has hit it home further, especially meeting old family members and hearing stories etc sad.gif. It has helped with closure but I think grief will always be with me somewhat.
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