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> Friendship Advice, Trying to clarify if i am making the correct decision
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Friendship Loyalty
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pippa
post Feb 13 2018, 03:31 PM
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So, guys some help and advice on this would be hugely appreciated as it may help give me clarity on a personnel issue i am experiencing right now with a what i regard as a very close friend.

We had one or two issues recently, where my friend has made some wrong decisions, while not intentional they were decisions that had some repercussions.
be a Grass is Greener on the other side type of thinker.

We ended up having a discussion about our friendship ups and downs, and the question arose, if one of us was out at an event, in a pub, etc and someone started slating one of us, would you defend your friend or would you just stay relatively quiet to avoid those people or person disliking you or cutting you out of a group or would you defend your friend and then talk to them about after.

If this was one of your best friends, what would your response be from the 2 options in the poll. These two options were what we both answered but i wont say which one of us said what.

I should have explained the options better regarding the defending a friend. The situation, was a third party person spread a story that my friend cheated on their partner which wasnt true. I explained to my friend that they shouldn't let this rumour continue, i had said this to the third party that it wasnt fair spreading such a story about my friend which isnt true. The third partner would be on friendly terms with my friend and as a result of me pulling the third party about the issue this person has no time for me and my question to my friend was if you were out in a crowd and the third person was slating me, would you defend me. Even though the reason this person doesn't like me or cuts me out of any event i go to is because i was defending you.


This post has been edited by pippa: Feb 13 2018, 04:58 PM
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T Boy
post Feb 13 2018, 04:27 PM
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I chose the second option. I would like to think I would but it all depends on exactly what is being said. I may actually agree with it. I would never just blindly agree with my friend if there was something they’d done I didn’t like. I would, however, attempt to diffuse the situation and calm everyone down. Even if I wasn5 going to defend my friend, I wouldn’t want them to go through such public humiliation.
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Frooot
post Feb 13 2018, 04:52 PM
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If anybody is shady about my best friends, I would always defend them! Even if I agree, it’s always important to defend your best friends imo!
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pippa
post Feb 13 2018, 04:57 PM
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I should have explained the options better regarding the defending a friend. The situation, was a third party person spread a story that my friend cheated on their partner which wasnt true. I explained to my friend that they shouldn't let this rumour continue, i had said this to the third party that it wasnt fair spreading such a story about my friend which isnt true. The third partner would be on friendly terms with my friend and as a result of me pulling the third party about the issue this person has no time for me and my question to my friend was if you were out in a crowd and the third person was slating me, would you defend me. Even though the reason this person doesn't like me or cuts me out of any event i go to is because i was defending you.

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T Boy
post Feb 13 2018, 04:59 PM
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QUOTE(Frooot @ Feb 13 2018, 04:52 PM) *
If anybody is shady about my best friends, I would always defend them! Even if I agree, it’s always important to defend your best friends imo!


However, I’d argue that to blindly defend probably won’t help the true issues at stake in that situation. If my friend has done nothing to deserve it, I would defend. But I could not, knowing that I thought they were in the wrong. I would attempt to stop the situation without it looking like I was leaping to the defence of someone I thought was wrong.

QUOTE(pippa @ Feb 13 2018, 04:57 PM) *
I should have explained the options better regarding the defending a friend. The situation, was a third party person spread a story that my friend cheated on their partner which wasnt true. I explained to my friend that they shouldn't let this rumour continue, i had said this to the third party that it wasnt fair spreading such a story about my friend which isnt true. The third partner would be on friendly terms with my friend and as a result of me pulling the third party about the issue this person has no time for me and my question to my friend was if you were out in a crowd and the third person was slating me, would you defend me. Even though the reason this person doesn't like me or cuts me out of any event i go to is because i was defending you.


In that case, knowing that something wasn’t true, I would always defend. My answers have been based on the assumption that the friend might have done something wrong.
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Feel_The_Fever
post Feb 13 2018, 10:51 PM
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I would defend.If it's a real friend they would automatically defend you unless you done something horrific and would do it without any hesitation.

A casual friend or an acuantence would likely think about it first and would answer safely so they would look no worse.

Real and trusting friends would stop their friend getting put down by such people. The sad reality is it's at times like that you can easily work out the difference between the genuine and not so genuine friends. It is hard to accept though if you thought you had a real good friend and they let you down like that.
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Spiceboy
post Feb 13 2018, 11:03 PM
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I would without a doubt defend them. Especially from the example you have given. Even if that wasn't a friend and I knew that a rumour being spread about them was untrue I would defend that person and tell the other they have no right to be saying those things which are not true.

It's a little trickier when your friend is in the wrong, but I have had the instance where one of my best friends did cheat on her boyfriend and I still defended her to another friend. All I said was "What she has done might be wrong but it has nothing to do with you so how about you just keep your nose out of other people's business. You know she is one of my best friends and I can't believe you would even try to put me in a situation where you are badmouthing her, the discussion stops here!" And it did. I had also told my friend prior to this when I found out what had happened that she was in the wrong and she couldn't blame her boyfriend for leaving her... We have that close a friendship that we can say these things and know that it won't affect our bond because we would still stand by each other through it all.
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Jade
post Feb 14 2018, 12:31 AM
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I would say that I generally have the backs of my friends and I'd totally stand by them if a scenario like the one in the OP happened. I wouldn't care if I was 'guilty by association' in relation to a scandalous false rumour, my innocent friend would be more important to me than some gossip and judgemental randomers. Of course there comes a line, I couldn't blindly defend actions that I don't believe in. If I had a friend who hurled homophobic or racist abuse at someone then I could never defend that for example. But I would like to think that I would never be friends with such a hateful person in the first place. I will be here for you during messy times for sure but I'm not a pushover who will bend their beliefs if you have done something as hateful as the aforementioned examples used, basically.
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pippa
post Feb 14 2018, 10:59 AM
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Thank you for some of the replies. In honestly, i was the friend in this who defended my friend, who had their back in not just this scenario but another one or two aswell. Luckily, my friend has never had to defend me in such situations but has been a good friend in other ways as i have also been to them. However, after one or two occasions when i defended my friend the other night i asked the question if the roles were reversed would you defend me the same way and i have to be honest i was floored with the answer which was i like to think so.

The answer really hurt me, and my response was, any time anything has come up i have automatically defended you, i didn't need to think about it, i done it and then we sorted the issues out after. When my friend said they would like to think they would i did say so im not guaranteed that you would and that's when i started to have doubts in my head about our friendship.

Prior to this, my friend got themselves in a tricky situation at work, we also work together. I got wind of the story first and gave my friend the heads up so they could resolve it quickly and as such get themselves out of the situation, initially i got dragged into the situation even though it had nothing to do with me so in my head i thought i had more than proved myself to be worth a guaranteed defense should someone slate me. Finding out i wasn't was such a kick to the stomach and in honesty im struggling the last 2-3 days to be even civil to my friend but have managed to be by biting my tongue and putting in some serious effort.


There is part of me that thinks its time to pull away from my friend and another where im trying to let it slide and think of the better side of my friend and concentrate on their good characteristics, but i fear my friend may always be about themselves and themselves will always be the number 1 priority.



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