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> Making The First Move, As they say...
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Lindsey 🙃
post May 14 2018, 09:14 PM
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Omg is Lindsey actually contributing to the lounge again after having zero time due to uni? ohmy.gif

This is something I've been thinking about, I guess this is like a sub topic to the dating one but I figured why not give it it's own thread. I wanna know how you feel about being the "initiator" in a relationship/dating scenario? Are you comfortable enough to be the one to ask someone out or do you prefer to wait to be asked? Do you have a checklist of sorts you go through before you "make the first move"? How do you know when the right time to start that adventure? How did you get into your current relationship (if applicable)?

When I was just starting high school I would be happy enough to ask someone out or tell them I liked them but the twice I actually did, it went horribly wrong so I never did that again and now I have a genuine fear of rejection which often puts me off putting myself out there 🙃 From the few dating experiences I've had, I was either asked out or I just kinda went with the flow or like it was really obvious we both felt the same way so it was more weird not to say anything so I've never really been the one to take the lead but I'm not convinced I'd even know how laugh.gif

Anyway spill, do you have any entertaining stories surrounding this? I'm sure theres embarassing moments like I have where you've announced your feelings to someone only for it to go tits up kink.gif
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Jade
post May 14 2018, 09:19 PM
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I have never been the one to 'make the first move'. I never wanted to do it because I have a huge fear of rejection. As for the other way round, I've just realised that I don't think I've ever actually been asked out in person before laugh.gif I've been asked out over school email (!), over Facebook (most iconic one will always be the guy who asked me out and ended the message 'ps. I like tutrtles') and... over BuzzJack kink.gif I knew I had feelings for Bray for a while but I just couldn't bring myself to ask him out and shatter the illusion in case it was just a one-sided thing all this time. So I'm very glad that he made the first move haha.
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JŁpiter
post May 14 2018, 09:27 PM
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I... I guess kind of embarrassingly do prefer to be pursued. That sounds very stuck up though I'm sure! I guess it's flattering!

Having said that, I think most of my relationships have been a little unorthodox, I've just fallen into them. Like Jade, I'm not sure I've asked out or BEEN asked out in person that many times, modern life eh! I'll have to wrack my brain! It feels like dating is a little harder to define today when people meet and have conversations in such different ways than the pre internet era when I guess you'd have to define, or you'd just know in advance the status of your connection because there was much fewer ways to meet a new person.
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Rooney
post May 14 2018, 09:30 PM
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Well from a hetrosexual point of view (and I am a massive fan of switching gender roles up) it is always the man who asks the woman out, at least in my own personal experience. I think this is one point of societal gender that won't displace for a long time. I've thought there were signals before asked girls out and been shot straight down. But I've also had the opposite effect where I thought there was no chance at all with the vibe and they have said yes. So it's a no-win situation, I always brick it when asking girls out, but unless it's someone you know, as much as rejection hurts you have nothing to lose really as the chances are you will never see them again.. until you're sat right next to them for a 2 hour train journey!!!!
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Liаm
post May 14 2018, 09:53 PM
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I'm so bad for it laugh.gif I think I must come across as being disinterested sometimes, because I just assume they'll say no so I never initiate making the first move like that. In saying that, my experiences have just kind of... happened too. I guess in those cases both of us felt like they didn't make the move and it just all sort of fell in place in a certain way.
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Lindsey 🙃
post May 14 2018, 09:59 PM
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Most of my friends that are in long term relationships all have similar stories of how they didn't really ask each other out or have an "official" first date and I'm just sat there like, that would drive me insane not knowing if I was dating someone or not but then I've not had the best experience there, as some of you know I'm the accidental dating queen mellow.gif
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Tombo
post May 14 2018, 10:01 PM
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I rarely make the first move but I have done on a couple of occasions. I asked a guy for his number at a gay event about a year ago but he turned out to be an ass.

I used to have girls coming onto me a lot so it was hard turning them down when I wasn't out
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Iz
post May 14 2018, 10:10 PM
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I just can't. One of my big character flaws is that I'm a naturally reactive person, in conversation, in actions, I know how to handle social stuff, but not to start it and this is the pinnacle of that. I've done it before, got (nicely) rejected and basically all of my experiences have been from the girl making the first move. Which I do wish they'd do more, although that'd make it easy.

Good news is though is that I'm finally recognising that if I ever want a successful relationship I'm probably going to have to stump up and do it (and have been kicking myself at times in the past when I was interested, they could well have been interested, and I had the opportunity but didn't say anything), so I have promised myself that the next time I find myself in that sort of situation where I want it I'm going to go for it. And hopefully me saying this on a public forum will make it stick in my mind.
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Cucumberella
post May 14 2018, 10:13 PM
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i absolutely would NEVER omg. i think being my own worst critic i just think rejection is inevitable each time so i don't bother. oops x
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Lindsey 🙃
post May 14 2018, 10:29 PM
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QUOTE(Cucumberella @ May 14 2018, 11:13 PM) *
i absolutely would NEVER omg. i think being my own worst critic i just think rejection is inevitable each time so i don't bother. oops x

Literally same! The twice I did do it, I remember thinking I had to do it to get over them because I'd liked them for ages but knew they wouldn't say yes so I guess in a way its was kind of self-sabotage? laugh.gif I freak out when there is a possibility that the person I'm interested in might feel the same though as I don't know wtf to do at all as it's such a RARE occurrence as it always hurts more if you think you have a shot but you still get rejected.

I could never ask someone out that I'd just met but thats more because I fall for people once I've actually gotten to know them but like how soon is too soon to go from chatting to actually arranging to hang out? If you wait too long its like you're disinterested? I honestly don't know how people manage to find themself a partner smh
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JŁpiter
post May 14 2018, 10:31 PM
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I did actually ask out someone in high school after crushing on them for literally years and they took it as a joke :/ that was quite a time
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Iz
post May 14 2018, 10:38 PM
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QUOTE(Lindsey 🙃 @ May 14 2018, 11:29 PM) *
I could never ask someone out that I'd just met but thats more because I fall for people once I've actually gotten to know them but like how soon is too soon to go from chatting to actually arranging to hang out? If you wait too long its like you're disinterested? I honestly don't know how people manage to find themself a partner smh


That is the dilemma. Too long and it feels like you've missed the mark (although you might not have) and they might just have filed you away in their head as a normal friend, but I'm not naturally going to ask out someone who I've just met, far too many variables in play there and I'm probably not as attracted to them as I will be once I've gotten to know them.
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T Boy
post May 15 2018, 05:06 PM
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Iím terrible and never want to but feel like I have to because Iím the man. Thereís a woman at work that Iím just too nervous to ask at the moment but it feels so silly. More than once today the kids were telling us we should get together but weíve sort of just laughed it off as work is just crazy at the moment. Iím too nervous to ask and I think she feels Iím not interested because sheís 6 years older than me.
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The Snake
post May 15 2018, 05:19 PM
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QUOTE
I could never ask someone out that I'd just met


I couldn't either. I would fear it could be perceived as creepy and weird sad.gif Far better to know the person well first.


This post has been edited by The Snake 🐍: May 15 2018, 05:21 PM
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WhoOdyssey
post May 15 2018, 05:40 PM
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Been wondering if to ask someone out for a long time now, I think I will do it soon. Really nervous though.

This post has been edited by WhoOdyssey: May 15 2018, 05:40 PM
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Lindsey 🙃
post May 16 2018, 02:01 AM
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It's interesting that quite a few of you feel like you kinda have to be the one to ask someone out just because you're a guy. I've never felt like I couldn't be the one to do it (if I actually wanted to) because I'm a girl, it's quite an old fashioned way of thinking, similarly the whole thing about the guy having to pay, I wouldn't just expect that either laugh.gif

#downwithgenderroles
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Mattias
post May 16 2018, 06:49 AM
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I agree with Lindsey above.

As for little old me (well okayy, I'm not that old yet and not that little either :3), in the past I was super scared to ask people (like school, let's say), but now, in the age of various apps designed for this kinda thing, I have no problem both initiating a conversation on them and asking people to meet up or whatever, in fact I feel like that's something I'm super confident in now laugh.gif I'm just better at one-to-one in general, and some of the little insecurities ("oh my god, what if they start talking to me about politics?!? oh my!") that I used to have around this are no longer there. But I'm still not sure what I'd be like asking in "real life", all my various recent experiences of this sort have been through apps and nothing else.

My one and only actual relationship was kind of a mutual thing but the other person was actually the one to ask us to meet first. I probably would've done so soon enough as well tho.
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lotita.
post May 16 2018, 08:24 AM
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add me to the SCARED OF REJECTION pile
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Liаm
post May 16 2018, 03:57 PM
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I hardly even initiate plans with my friends for the same reason, I just assume they'll say no, so when it's a romantic situation it just amplifies that laugh.gif
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T Boy
post May 16 2018, 07:20 PM
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QUOTE(Lindsey 🙃 @ May 16 2018, 03:01 AM) *
It's interesting that quite a few of you feel like you kinda have to be the one to ask someone out just because you're a guy. I've never felt like I couldn't be the one to do it (if I actually wanted to) because I'm a girl, it's quite an old fashioned way of thinking, similarly the whole thing about the guy having to pay, I wouldn't just expect that either laugh.gif

#downwithgenderroles


I think age might have something to do with it. Iím nearly 30 and it was about 2003/4 that I first started being seriously interested in girls. That was such a long time ago and so much has changed now. Boys had to make the first move then and I guess we still feel obliged to.
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