Posted February 4, 20169 yr http://www.kiel-goeteborg.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/goteborg-center.jpg http://i.imgur.com/GjQGwCG.jpg Oh LOVES it's been SO LONG Right, I'll make it QUICK this year because quite honestly I don't have the ENERGY and I'm sure you all know how this gig goes by now. Insert SCREAMING, insert MINCING, insert REFERENCE TO VANILLA QUEENS, insert REFERENCE TO AN UNHEALTHY RELIANCE ON ALCAZAR FOR THE LAST ELEVEN MONTHS Anyway, this year sees the contest make a truly triumphant return in the wake of former eternal Melodi-bridesmaid Måns Zelmerlöw completing the fairytale and taking the Melodifestivalen *and* Eurovision crown after six years in the wilderness, marking Sweden's second Eurovision win in four years and their sixth win overall, leaving them just one adrift of all-time record holders Ireland. Everpresent MF ringleader Christer Björkman reckons there's at least one track in each heat this year capable of securing that sweet seventh win - but then, he would say that wouldn't he. But then, after last year saw Melodifestivalen maintain massive depth of quality despite cutting back the number of tracks by four, who can rule anything out? For the few out there yet to be converted, here's the summary: over the next six Saturdays Sweden pulls out pretty much everything its music industry can muster in the search for a Eurovision entry, with the end result that this contest is actually more popular than Eurovision ITSELF and reliably pulls in about a third of Sweden's population for viewing figures each week. 28 songs compete across four heats of seven songs each, with the top two of each heat to the final and third and fourth to a second chance round after the heats are over, with twelve songs at the end competing for the right to represent Sweden at Eurovision and be mentioned in the same breath as the likes of ABBA, Carola and Loreen (albeit rarely and mostly by socially awkward non-Swedish gay men or overly enthusiastic and terrifying middle-aged Swedish women, the prime demographics for this GLORIOUS CONTEST). Anyway, the mild hints of DEATHMATCH in each heat as various Swedish stars - both current and faded - compete for the chance to revive or maintain their careers (or just score a radio hit that pays the bills for the month) in front of a nation makes this UTTERLY ESSENTIAL VIEWING, without even mentioning the sheer quality of the tracks on offer. I promise you this: if you love pop music, you will love Melodifestivalen, and you will love the icons it has to offer you. So regardless of whether you're someone who kind of liked the sound of that Heroes song last year or you're someone capable of holding their own in a full-blown debate over which of Hanson, Carson och Malmqvist or Kikki, Bettan och Lotta have made the greater contribution to 21st century pop culture (the answer is Kikki, Bettan och Lotta and I am prepared to draw blood over this), JOIN US - you WON'T regret it. http://i.imgur.com/eMrLP6U.gif http://i.imgur.com/uuDLrM1.png 01: Samir och Viktor - Bada nakna Text och Musik: Fredrik Kempe, David Kreuger, Anderz Wrethov Best known for: Turning obnoxious 'It Boy' status into a pop career, coming 8th in MF last year with William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 1.44 / 4/9 / 2nd William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 9.00 / 8/1 (5th favourite to win) Oh for FUCK'S SAKE Well I suppose it's the done thing to get the chores out of the way FIRST. Anyway, these two dickheads were essentially last year's 'LOOK, THE MODERN WORLD IS A THING!!!!!' novelty pick, selfie stick and all, and can probably best be summed up as the types of people who use at least three of the cry laugh emoji in literally every text they send (and if you just got a PRICKLE OF GUILT then, GOOD). Thankfully holy intervention in the form of the app vote crashing prevented them getting any further than 8th place in the final with Groupie, though frankly I'm still appalled that the finest example of the genre 'pop for stupid people' could make it to such heights in humanity's pre-eminent gay pop contest. Predictably enough, they followed it up with an inescapable summer hit in , truly destroying my faith in Swedish musical tastes in the process. And of course, never one to know when a joke's been done, Christer's invited them back with Bada nakna, which translates as 'Skinny dipping' and will doubtless involve high levels of 'LAD!!!' type banter. Truly, we have been blessed :manson: So really, this should be everything I loathe. But with one single, sole exception - and probably the greatest of all single, sole exceptions to have. Never a man to say no to two naked teenage boys, Melodifestivalen icon Fredrik Kempe has been drafted in on songwriting duties. And as the man behind of the - , greatest - of , I feel (HIGHLY RELUCTANTLY) duty bound to give this shit a chance. Chuck in the songwriters behind and Guld och gröna skogar, and I'd estimate at least a 60% chance that I'm going to be spending the next two months cursing that this inevitable max track was wasted on two of the more prominent exhibits in my ongoing crusade for the summary slaughter of all straight men. So to sum up, they've got the freshers fair vote on lockdown. But can these human prophylactics overcome the force of their noxious personalities to get the gay vote on lockdown too? (that's the gay vote NOT the rubbishgai vote, which I sense is already lost. that said to be fair in my weaker moments I would POSSIBLY say yes to him on the right) http://i.imgur.com/6n7NGrD.jpg 02: Pernilla Andersson - Mitt guld Text och Musik: Pernilla Andersson och Fredrik Rönnqvist Best known for: Popular country singer-songwriter. Went out in andra chansen in 2011 with William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 5.00 / 4/1 / =5th William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 51.00 / 50/1 Who knew that what Melodifestivalen was crying out for was a lilting country ballad without a chorus by a gaptoothed andra chansen victim from five years ago? Oh, nobody. NEXT. http://i.imgur.com/p5LSunX.jpg 03: Mimi Werner - Ain't No Good Text och Musik: Mimi Werner, Göran Werner, Marcus Svedin och Jason Saenz Best known for: NOTHING William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 5.00 / 4/1 / =5th William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 34.00 / 33/1 Now THIS is more like it *.* As I always say, a Melodifestivalen year just ISN'T complete without an artist who rocks up looking like a REHEATED CORPSE (Manda, we hardly knew ye!). And to top it all off, she's being styled by the true QUEEN of Melodifestivalen stillbirths, VELVET. If nothing else, colour me excited for the STYLING OCH CONSULTING on this one. Anyway, this is a country song too, though given the echoes are that this is a big party track it's likely to owe a debt to dansband, the Swedish answer to country and western which ended up accidentally birthing schlager - basically imagine if country music in the US had ditched the whole far-right Christianity thing and focused on birthing Dolly Parton-esque gay icons with primary colour chords and key changes and you're THERE. Old rotten Mimsy here's the niece of Melodiveteran and former Swedish Eurovision entrant Jill Johnson, and I don't think it would be TOO much of a stretch to predict a modern day equivalent of Jill's 2003 fourth placer Crazy In Love. Though that said, the track's written by Mimi's dad, who also happened to be behind both of indie-pop bores State of Drama's MF entries, so there's a chance I may be being FAR too optimistic there. Will this foul harridan bring us a banger, or is she destined to be yet another debutante death? http://i.imgur.com/xKmWzQX.jpg 04: Albin och Mattias - Rik Text och Musik: Albin Johnsén och Mattias Andréasson Best known for: Albin - the rapper behind the biggest hit in Sweden of 2014; Mattias - the songwriter behind said biggest hit and one third of Swedish Idol supergroup E.M.D alongside Danny Saucedo, who finished third in 2009 with William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 3.50 / 5/2 / 3rd William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 34.00 / 33/1 I didn't link to it in the Best known for bit because this entry is riding on the coattails of 2014 ubersmash so much that, well, I'd have pretty much given the whole point of this away in the Best known for section. Expect a radio hit in pretty much the same vein, with maybe a dash of last year's Albin-penned andra chansen entry . For obvious reasons of accessibility Swedish rap isn't my most favoured of genres, but if this can bring a moment anywhere near as gargantuan as that entry's key change I'm definitely on board. As a side-note, it'll also be quite nice to see BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL Mattias get a moment of glory of his own - a delightfully subversive understudy rehearsal of with ex-EMD bandmate Erik in 2013 aside, the last time we saw him was when he crashed out to the batshit mental with the uber-cool and impeccably produced R&B wordathon in a Globen or Bust face-off in 2012. Can Mattias and his luscious new facial hair atone for past failures here? http://i.imgur.com/yBpdVjD.jpg 05: Anna Book - Himmel för två Text och Musik: Sven-Inge Sjöberg, Lennart Wastesson, Larry Forsberg och Camilla Läckberg Best known for: Former Swedish child star-cum-overweight fame whore icon William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 7.00 / 6/1 / 7th William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 51.00 / 50/1 DISQUALIFIED FOR PLAGIARISM the below was written prior to Anna Book's disqualification the Friday prior to the heat HOLD ME Every February brings its own predictable charms. The slow inching back of the day. Failed attempts at making pancakes. Disappointing Valentines Days spent in Nando's and ending in furious shouting matches. And a schlager entry in Melodifestivalen by a washed up Swedish icon that literally tens of gays pin their hopes and dreams on, typically in vain. This Saturday boys, we're getting the latter in STYLE *.* Last year saw the first twitching of the schlager corpse since Christer administered a sharp dose of strychnine in fury in 2011, after Linda Bengtzing knocked out his chosen favourites with the riotous romp that was (more on her in week 4). Since then, the genre that the contest was built on and which made it the most overwhelmingly popular of all Eurovision's national finals amongst the international fanbase has endured humiliation after humiliation: The Girl going out fifth to a reheated cock rock act in 2012, the not even making it to the second voting round in their heat the following year, and schlager in its lowest form being stillborn in in 2014, with Linda Bengtzing turning her back on the genre for the first time in the final heat that year and going out anyway. Here was a once-proud genre being smothered in the most undignified manner possible. But lo! Picking up the sword as Linda fell were Melodifestivalen's pre-eminent DISCO ICONS , making it to the final and finishing third with one of the closest living relatives to the genre, with schlager veteran Sanna winning the whole shebang, albeit with a ballad with enough mass appeal to make the UK top 40. And last year saw the first confirmation that the schlager icons of Melfest past could make it in the new era of app-voting and chart cast-offs, with Jessica Andersson and (more importantly) Magnus Carlsson coasting to last year's final with ease. However, all of the above could rely on public goodwill to a degree to vault them past green and wet-eared newcomers. This year, we see the greatest test of whether the SCHLAGER HAG can make it since the Wives took their glittered glory to the grave. ENTER: ANNA BOOK. I could monologue for a long time on this woman. I probably will anyway, but to give the brief précis, Ms Book here was the Isa of her day, coming fifth and having a huge #1 in MF 1986 with ABC - and pretty much DINING OUT ON IT ever since! After having a failed ballad comeback at MF the following year with the inconsolably drippy Det finns en morgendag (LOOK N LEARN Isa, LOOK N LEARN), she disappeared for a good two decades before returning to the Swedish limelight in the most iconic way possible - as a heavily overweight, faintly alcoholic LOOSE WOMEN ANALOG *.* Islam forbids the depiction of Mohammed on the basis that no human should deign to sully the most perfect being ever conceived by attempting to represent him in reality, as a copy can only be flawed compared with the original. The schlager religion I am working intensely to create has similar prescriptions which ensure I will go to Schlager Hell (which consists of spending the rest of eternity listening to ) for merely telling you of the existence of the following, but I feel it is worth it to spread the joy and religion of this woman. Anna made her comeback in 2006 entering the Swedish equivalent of Strictly, finishing incredibly respectably as runner-up. Her star relit, she entered into Melodifestivalen once more the following year. What followed is one of my favourite things to have ever been created. tgkAatPPmj0 WHAT A WOMAN. Naturally, she qualified directly for the final - truly HALCYON DAYS for the contest. (And then she finished last, but that's NOT THE POINT) Since then, she's done nothing musically but has been inescapable in the media with her eternal health troubles - literally, going to the tabloids every time she was rushed to hospital. But frankly if you're not on board with a woman capable of wringing the full drama out of minor hospital operations with photos like THIS then I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU. http://gfx.aftonbladet-cdn.se/multimedia/dynamic/01052/23s04-book2-180_jp_1052922l.jpg What a woman. Anyway, she's BACK BACK BACK! And she's bearing the standard for unashamed schlager pop, inviting one of Sweden's most famous writers (Camilla Läckberg, a huge schlager fan and a huge fan of the contest) to pen her entry, which has been described in initial reviews as a 'powerschlager straight out of 2004' that is 'full of handclaps and joy' and ending in a money note so huge there's a high chance she MAY NOT BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. Naturally, this write-up has been delayed by several hours from the brain damage I've developed CONVULSING FROM SHEER EUPHORIA at the description. Will our wobbly schlager dame waddle her way to the final? Or is this the last stand for the dying breed of schlager hags? Whatever happens, you know there'll be tears. QUEEN! http://i.imgur.com/H2LcgmE.jpg 06: Robin Bengtsson - Constellation Prize Text och Musik: Bobby Ljunggren, Henrik Wikström, Mark Hole och Martin Eriksson Best known for: Coming third in Swedish Idol 2008. William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 4.50 / 7/2 / 4th William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 41.00 / 40/1 If ever there were a giveaway that we're in for three minutes of PRIME ESL POP. Anyway, terminal song title aside, the writing pedigree behind this means we should be in for something fairly accomplished, with Ljunggren and Wikström behind some of the biggest Melodifestivalen hits of the 00s, such as RELIGIOUS MOMENT (and anthem for my prospective schlager religion) , and , but more recently penning Helena Paparizou's 2014 comeback, 4th placed . Martin Eriksson is also a star in his own right as E-Type, having an MF hit of his own in 2004 with the ludicrous but incredible Eurodance banger . So what can we expect from this? We're told to expect harmonica, which isn't the best of starts, but apparently it's going to have a tropical vibe and a huge chorus. Can Robin overcome such a cripplingly dreadful song title and make it to another week? http://i.imgur.com/2Y7CBam.jpg 07: Ace Wilder - Don't Worry Text och Musik: Joy Deb, Linnea Deb, Anton Hård af Segerstad, Ace Wilder och Behshad Ashnai Best known for: Dark horsing her way from being a total unknown to coming within two points of winning Melodifestivalen 2014 William Hill odds on going direkt till finalen (decimal / fractional / projected heat finish): 1.17 / 1/6 / 1st William Hill odds on winning Melodifestivalen (d / f): 4.33 / 10/3 (2nd favourite to win) (OT: what a SHEER VISION of gormlessness Ace is!) This is the one I sense needs little introduction for casual fans. Cast your mind back to 2014. Buzzjack members were yet to be born. A sprightly Ellen Benediktson was taking a nation by storm, her leather corset fetish yet to reach the public eye. And Ace Wilder, then a sprightly 44, took to the stage with a 3/10 dye job, a few backing dancers on day release from the local minimum security prison, her JSA giro for the week in her back pocket and a whole lotta hope. And the rest is history. Taking full advantage of the one weekend of the year when straight men couldn't ruin Melodifestivalen for the rest of us (the hockey was on), Ace her way into the final past a load of worthy cock rock with one of the lowest direkt vote totals ever, and then mystifyingly entranced a nation with her mesmerising cat-in-heat act to an infectiously modern slice of bratpop. Taking off on Spotify, Ace went into the final with the wind at her back, won the international jury vote and only barely lost out on the Melodifestivalen crown to Sweden's sweetheart Sanna. But of course, nail filing, lounging around watching boxsets in Juicy Couture and cashing one hit wonder residual cheques can only fill so much time, and with the chill wind of her 50s staring her in the face naturally she's BACK. With the Debs and Anton Le Kid on board, word is it's a big radio banger: one part Busy Doin Nothin, one part Heroes and one part student anthem. With the amount of interest in this comeback, a qualification direkt till finalen seems like a given - but can Ace right the wrongs of 2014 once she gets there? And more importantly, will she be bothered enough to manage if she does? -x- Here's the projected timetable for the week: Thursday: Reviews of the rehearsals with thirty second clips of the performances on SVT.se. Take all impressions from clips that short with a pinch of salt, unless they're obviously Make Me (La La La)-level quality and clearly going to change our lives in which case SET HYPERBOLE TO 12455 Friday: Reviews of the second rehearsal and the notoriously hit-or-miss results of the 'gen-rep' poll of audience members at the rehearsals Saturday: If we're going on the precedent of previous years, 2:30 clips of the songs will be uploaded to SVT in the early afternoon around 1pm (GMT). A livestream of the heat will start at 7pm GMT on svt.se/melodifestivalen So LET Melodifestivalen BEGIN AGAIN for another year - PREDICTIONS, SPECULATION, and LIFE OR DEATH HYPERBOLE over SNIPPETS OF POP PERFORMANCES *.* GO!
February 4, 20169 yr Author My INITIAL PREDICTION: DTG: Ace Wilder, Samir & Viktor AC: Robin Bengtsson, Albin & Mattias 05: Mimi Werner 06: Anna Book 07: Pernilla Andersson
February 4, 20169 yr Whew, I have really missed those essays. And some much needed education in them as I had no idea who half of these people are. I guess this will be a hit and miss heat for me. I like the sound of Constellation Prize, I hate its title. Might well be here for what Albin brings, will probably NOT be here for Samir/Victor, might be here for Ace but it won't be anywhere near as good as her last entry so... Of the two washed-up hags (and I don't actually often use that specific terminology but I can't think of a more appropriate place), it could go either way but I have a sneaking suspicion they'll actually be among the entries I'll like more in this heat. Based just off reading what's there. I think if I were to do predictions, I'd just be copying you at this point, Tirren, so I'll leave those until the clips are out.
February 4, 20169 yr YAAAAAASSSSSSSS! Obviously Ace and Anna are what I'm most anticipating here but I'm staying open minded about the rest (except Pernilla, that'll be shit). Despite my better judgement 'Groupie' grew on me like a rash so at the risk of being lynched by Tirren I am SOMEWHAT hyped for Samir and (strong 8) Viktor. Also, Anna locking eyes with and trying to molest that queen rubbing up against her is the best of about 28 moments in that Samba Sambero perf.
February 4, 20169 yr Author Aside from it being the only Kempe song in Melodifestivalen this year (SAY IT AIN'T SO), the only thing I'm remotely hyped about re: Samir & Viktor is the prospect of (strong 8) Viktor cueing up the onstage nudes.
February 4, 20169 yr Author OMG I've just realised that that Samba Sambero performance could be YOU IN DRAG Lex MAKE THIS HAPPEN
February 4, 20169 yr OMG I've just realised that that Samba Sambero performance could be YOU IN DRAG Lex MAKE THIS HAPPEN Anything to stop the Oscar Zia comparisons
February 4, 20169 yr Also here for Ryan pretending this doesn't exist and spending Saturday nights watching the Lithuanian heats instead of being on the holy path.
February 4, 20169 yr Author Also here for Ryan pretending this doesn't exist and spending Saturday nights watching the Lithuanian heats instead of being on the holy path. WARNING: anyone tuning in 'just for Ace' will be sent to SCHLAGER HELL
February 4, 20169 yr <3 Thank you for your time as ever on this. Always reminds me of some classic MF MOMENTS, such as Ranelid's reaction in Globen or Bust *.*
February 4, 20169 yr I am so ready for this. Sadly I won't be watching live with you gays, as you know work calls. So I shall be wine-watching from around 9 or 10pm becoming less and less understandable as the night goes by.
February 4, 20169 yr Author First clip up on the Melodifestivalen Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/svtmelodifestivalen/?fref=nf It's not pretty.
February 4, 20169 yr First clip up on the Melodifestivalen Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/svtmelodifestivalen/?fref=nf It's not pretty. Well at least Samir & Viktor are good to look at. This is easily the worst of their four songs, although that's judging it on a 30 second clip.
February 4, 20169 yr OMG I'm so excited for this to finally return on Saturday, I feel like Shirley Clamp locked in Greggs! As ever a fantastic write-up our schlager queen, we are not worthy!
February 4, 20169 yr there's ace wilder trying to seem young and it WORKING and then there's the ACTUALLY young samir & viktor singing childish songs and it looking incredibly pathetic, creepy and cringeworthy. f*** off. the fact that 'du och jag skall f***a loss' sounds a LOT like 'du och jag skall f*** a lot' makes me want to slap them in their f***ing faces (and then sit on the non-white one's) pernilla slay please <3 let's wait for the whole song because the snippet hasn't revealed anything yet. mimi's song is exactly what i imagined it would be like. hot mess with a hint of denture adhesive
February 4, 20169 yr Author I think my favourite thing about the MIMI OPUS is that it could very conceivably be an ANNA BOOK ENTRY *.*
Create an account or sign in to comment