The Britney Spears Story

Ladies and Gentlemen, we live in interesting times. It seemed headspinning enough that a moderately interesting Radio 2-type lady singer could suddenly become amazing by performing a song about how her record company wanted her to cut down on her heavy drinking (yes, Amy Winehouse)...and that she could then proceed to celebrate by - you've guessed it - going out and getting drunk a lot...just like REAL people do...and no doubt chinking glasses with her record company peeps along the way.

And when our single biggest male pop star (no, not Mika, Robbie) re-admitted himself to rehab after he suddenly seemed to have lost a battle with his former band - one that we all knew he won years ago - well, you could tell that something was going seriously wrong in the world of pop.

But these tales, interesting though they are, are just minor tittle-tattle compared to the ongoing media face-elbow-fest which is The Britney Spears Story.

Seriously, it's like you thought your eyebrows had nowhere else to go, and then she does something else and suddenly they're on the back of your head, and the rain just streams down into your eyes, but you don't notice because you are too shocked by what is going on to pay attention to the world around you.

So, to recap...Britney Spears, a star at a young age, grows up in the public eye, relationship with pre-disappearance-and-retrieval-of-Sexy Justin Timberlake (!), makes startlingly good pop records (!!), nearly moves in with Justin, but they split up (!!!), makes some not-terribly-good pop records and then some AMAZING pop records, seems to enjoy a drink now and then (!!!!)...

Do you see how all of these stories only seem to be interesting if you think of Britney as being an entirely sweet and wholesome girl? Y'know, the sort of innocent teen that Americans really like a young lady to be? Or to put it another way, amazing pop records aside, surely you know of a teenage girl or two who has done stuff like this? Maybe even WORSE stuff?

But that's the level we had her pegged at, right? Innocent girl, never puts a foot wrong. So, all this stuff goes on, and those eyebrows are going up and down like billy-o, but only in the way they would if you were listening to a child telling you about some playground ruckus, it's not like they were REALLY exciting stories of a REALLY eventful life, is it?

Well, not until Britney suddenly married an old friend, as a drunken prank, in Las Vegas, and then divorced him almost immediately (!-squared). Or started dating one of her dancers, and then became pregnant (!-cubed), and then married the dancer, who everyone thought was just some lucky fairground operative with extra drool facilities, but only because he didn't fit the taste profile we all had been holding for Britney in our heads.

They had two children and spent loads of money on really expensive things while wearing leisure clothes which looked cheaper than free - just like the rappers do - only it was Britney and that somehow seemed wrong because she was such a nice girl, so we all went (! - to the power of infinity) over and over again.

Then he started to try and carve a career for himself as a rapper, and a badly-behaved rapper at that (again, according to news reports), and the story suddenly became about what a poor mother Britney is, and all the while this really old photograph of Britney Spears: Child Star is being held up by everyone as the REAL girl we all know and love, and she must be PROTECTED from this WORLDLY MAN who is LEADING HER ASTRAY (or ASHTRAY, depending on your feelings about smokers).

Now we enter the final phase of startling Britney news. The post-Federline Britney. She went out with no pants on (! - to the power of infinity squared), she went drinking with Paris Hilton (infinity cubed), she wore clothes which were a little unflattering (infinity to the power of ten) and, the final straw, she cut off all her hair (infinity to the power of infinity squared, plus a MILLION).

Meanwhile, out in the real world, women are going out with no pants on, in unflattering clothes, and having ugly haircuts ALL THE TIME. But they don't care, because none of them have to conform to what people remember them to have been like when they were 16. Unless it's in front of their grandparents, naturally.

So, while it's entirely possible that being the very famous Britney Spears has driven the real Britney Spears to commit some fairly desperate public acts just so that people realise that she is no longer a teenager, it's also possible that it's not rehab, or therapy, or medication that she really needs, but for people to stop reacting like she's guilty just because she clearly isn't innocent any more.

SOURCE: BBC Radio 1