I have a few (old) jokes regarding Manchester Utd (2003)

 

Manure Virus Warning

 

There's a nasty new one about, which began at Manchester United. The effect

is to make your PC think it's superior to every other PC. It then develops a

memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.

 

Variants include the David Beckham Virus, which mainly affects newer PC's:

the computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

 

The Fabien Barthez Virus is not particularly harmful - you just can't save

anything.

 

With the Alex Ferguson Virus, the computer develops a continuous whining

noise and the on screen clock runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how

your day's been), than all the other computers in the building.

 

With the Ryan Giggs Virus the computer develops a processor problem,

whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences

dramatic fluctuations in performance.

 

The Roy Keane Virus is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows.

 

There are plenty more out there, including the Neville Brothers Virus: just

when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and causes a

calamitous error.

 

But the Manchester United Shirt Virus is especially hard to detect.

It changes its format every 3 months

 

 

Alex Ferguson is queuing in his local building society, when a gunman bursts in through the door demanding money.

Ferguson attempts to tackle the raider, but is knocked over.

As he falls to the floor he knocks his head on the counter and slumps out cold on the floor and the robber runs off.

One of the cashiers goes over to Alex and tries to revive him by fanning him with some leaflets - he comes round and looks bewildered.

His first words are "where am I?" and the cashier replies, "don't worry, its ok, you're in the Nationwide."

Ferguson replies, "Jesus, is it May already"

 

Q. How do you stop a Man. United fan from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his head!

 

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

 

Q: What's the difference between a female Manchester United Fan and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick.

 

Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?

A: Diahorrea.

 

Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

 

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Manchester United Fan from Manchester, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a £50 note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

 

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

 

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Manchester United Fan?

A: A Doberman.

 

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

 

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

 

Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

 

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.

 

Q: What is the difference between a Manchester United Fan and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

 

A brick and a Man United fan are thrown of the top of Old Trafford. Which one hits the ground first? The brick of course. The United fan has to stop and ask for directions !

 

Q. How many Man. United fans does it take to pave a driveway?

A. Depends how thin you slice them!

 

Q. What do you call a Man. United fan with half a brain?

A. Gifted.

 

Q. What do you call 100 Man. United fans at the bottom of a cliff?

A. A good start!

 

Q. What do you call a pregnant Man. United fan?

A. A dope carrier!

I know i'm a Liverpool fan, but I heard this one froma mate:

 

Cisse's leg break wasn't, the break he was hoping for in his career.