Big Fat Sue

Dunno if I trust that. Remember, Putin is trying to manipulate Trump at every turn now. How would Russian air defences, when everything else has proved to be outdated and clumsy, take down small drones around a big heliocpter? I don't see it. Strategically for Ukraine, it would make sense, though, as there is no way a successor would want to continue that war.

And now for a double whammy!! 23rd: Nicki French - Don't Play That Song Again (2000) And 22nd: Lindsay Draccas: No Dream Impossible (2001) Not much to say about these ones. They were before my Eurovision time. They both actually sound really sonically similar to me, and I keep mixing them up when thinking about them. Whilst No Dream Impossible is the better song, it just sounds like an absolute racket on stage. The vocals just ... aren't good. Both of the songs suffer from bland instrumentals that seem to go nowhere, and they both sound REALLY dated, even for the early 2000s. Dream Impossible is the better song, but not by much. The vocals ruin it, it's plodding, but there is a decent bit that uplifts the song. It's at 1:42, when the entire melody changes, and a rapper comes in. Her vocals get tighter and momentarily improve here, when she's not trying to hit high notes and trying to oversing. If the whole song had been like that VERY SHORT middle 8, it would have been miles better. Her voice cracking and her out of tune notes aren't it. Nicki French looks like a mum doing karaoke at the local pub, even down to the mum coat. The staging is naff and cheap and worse than 2001, which just has ok staging (but the giant instrument thing is interesting). Neither song does it for me. 23rd: Pros: Good vocals Looks like she's having fun Cons: Forgettable Boring song that goes nowhere Bad staging Cheesy 22nd: Pros: Ambitious vocals, but she was eating with the eyes, not with the stomach, with those Great rap middle 8 Staging isn't bad, but it is very cheap. Cons: Boring song that goes nowhere Cheesy Vocals are really ropey

Loving tghis atm. Great performance, too! One of the best of the night.

Well, it was only a POINT off, and that's with it being a TOTALLY illegitimate vote anyway. It really finished second. Besides, without the Israeli campaign, there's a strong argument that Espresso would have won the entire competition. So it came much closer really. Those other two simply missed out. Espresso might have had the win stolen by politics.

How would you have reacted to I'm Not A Girl as the first single? And yeah, her music changed DRAMATICALLY after the first two albums. I'm not a big fan of the Britney album, except for the singles, but In The Zone is one of the best pop albums I've ever heard to this day. But after that, i went off all the stuff she did... but mainly because it was no longer HER sound, or what she wanted to do.

1. The Saturdays Churches Fifth Harmony Walk the Moon YVA Enhyphen A-ha 8. Pet Shop Boys A Ha stole a number one from Victoria Beckham. She should have released that week. For that reason, they come almost last, but I can't stand that PSB song. That Saturdays sang is one of the greatest girl band sangs ever and has one of the best girl band videos ever.

Really?! I get Jemini, as the studio version is basically a Steps song, but the ballad and Josh?!

100% THIS!!!! She's horrendous, dead wood and has been in it like five times in a year. Her last storyline with Sharon was pathetic. Her holding money for the Pansar's was pointless and went absolutely nowhere. Ir was dropped the episode after. Exactly WHAT leverqge she supposedly had in that role, I do not know. I wish they'd axe Calum too :( More boring dead wood. Bring in a new gay couple. They don't need ro go on a contant merry go round with him snd Ben, who is also a hideous, hideous character, who bares no relation to the original Ben characterisation. Oh, and Yolande is the new Dor. She bssically has whatever Dot's storylines today would have been. I think it's a good idea to replace the archetypes like this tbh. We need a new Janine - Abby would have done that, or Lucy - a new Pat, and a new Peggy. I wish Alfie and Kay would split. He's another vile character. We also saw his true colours with the Hayley storyline. We haven't forgotten those, no matter how kuch "cheeky chappy" crap they shove at us.

I have old cd singles of the Spicy Girls, but I think I'm gonna get rid. They take up too much space I don't have. Like, dvd singles of Vixtoria Beckham,.etc. would any collector want them y'all think, like if they paid for postage, or should I just give them to a charity shop?

Um, Trump aet it motion the poasibility for them to annex Gaza and rurn it into a Riviera-style resort... He sais last week he wants the people there ro move our ro other countries... Kamala would have applied preaaure ans NEVER agrees ro that. Biden applied some pressure. He achieved rhe ceasefire! Trump, none.

24th: Jemini - Bye Bye Baby (2003) Pros: The opening strings of the Spanish guitar gives us some hope... which is quickly dashed It has a Spanish guitar It was at least contemporary-sounding Cons: Look at it Here it is! One of the worst entries the UK has ever sent, famously being the first ever song to get nil points, and only ever song in English (until 2021) to get nil points in the history of the Eurovision. The reason I didn't place it bottom two is because of two reasons, 1. it's ICONICALLY bad and, 2. It sounds contemporary for the time. It has a Steps sound to it, and sounds like something that would have been in the charts just a couple of years earlier, before Steps split. The use of the Spanish guitar, the dodgy dancing, and the weird juxtaposition of a party dress, vs dirty, slept-in club clothes, also represented the UK's early 00s affinity for party holidays in Benidorm and Ibiza. In that way, at least it represented the UK music sound and culture of the time! Something that neither Josh nor Humpledink did AT ALL. I'd much rather the BBC send something modern-sounding, that actually represents the music scene, than throwaway, cheap tracks. Anyway, the entire entry is a disaster, from the horrendous vocals, to the school disco dody dancing, to the clash of costumes, to the man wearing one sleeve up, one down, with red trainers contrasting with washed-out old jeans and a dirty shirt, whilst the woman wears a clubbing dress. The tune was generic Steps, with an added guitar for Europe, and the production was boring. 0 points seems generous, looking back.

Iconic song title for the last song from an era. She needs to change up her sound on the next album.

True, but it didn't come as close to winning. Lordi is a good shout, but that's more gimmick than novelty.

My rankings have massively changed post-contest!!! LATVIA, by a country sign post Finland Denmark Malta Estonia/ Australia Austria Ukraine Greece Switzerland Albania Poland Sweden Lithuania Luxembourg Norway Italy Spain San Marino France Iceland Netherlands Israel United Kingdom Armenia Portugal

We told you he'd be FAR FAR worse with the situation than Kamala.

Told you my spoilers were true

25th: Josh Dubovie - That Sounds Good To Me (2010) Pros: The hilariously ironic title He smiles a lot He looks like a friend of mine Cons: The tone-deaf vocals The tone-deaf backing singers The staging The 1960s/70s dated theme The final "big notes" The BBC decided to send Josh Dubovie in 2010, one year after they had triumphed the eyar before with Jade Ewen and Andrew Lloyd Webber. And it's just ... it's just awful. I really struggled with deciding whther this or Humpledink deserved last place. In the end, this won out because it is HILARIOUSLY bad. Prompting laughs is probably better than curing insomnia, so here we are. The song is EXTREMELY forgettable; in fact, I'd forgotten we'd ever sent it. I couldn't remember a thing about this entry, which isn't a bad thing. It was a Pete Waterman song, and I wonder if this was one of his, troll songs, from his troll era, just like Vanilla's No Way, No Way. It really gives off, scraping the dregs off the bottom of the barrel, energy. It's incredibly dated, and would have sounded bad in the 60s, let alone kicking off the 10s. It's like the BBC used up all its energy on Jade the year before, anjust said, sod it, let's dig deep into the drawers of forgotten about pop songs and see what turns up. There isn't a universe in which this would ever have done well on the charts or in the competition, no matter the year. It's a generic, faceless, tuneless song, that sounds like it would be better suited as the jazzy opening theme for a gameshow in the 60s. And that's just the song! Fair play to him, Josh smiles through the pain of his painful vocals. Both he and his backup singers are hilariously out of tune, but maybe that's why they hired those singers: to make it sound good in comparison. The best part of this entry is the irony between the title, That Sounds Good To Me, and the vocals that sounded like everyone on stage was in disagreement about what notes to hit. His final notes made it a bad day for everyone with ears. The staging is ... well, the three tone-deaf backing singers are swaying about on the top of some lit-up boxes, as Josh walks up and down them like stairs. It looks like the suit he's wearing cost more than the entire 10 pence set. At least he got a nice suit out of it, though.

WHAT IF? LAST PLACE: (26 - Jordan/ Katie Price - Not Just Anybody (2005) Wish we still had autoplay for this one... Pros: It has a James Bond track-style chord progression It's novelty, and the UK rarely (Scooch) sends novelty It has the same, popular sound of the early 2000s. The instrumental sunds similar to Javine's in places. Cons: It's pants She's not famous in other countries, so they wouldn't understand Tone-deaf singing Jordan/ Katie Price came VERY close to beating out Javine for the chance of representing the UK in 2005. Fortunately, she didn't make it; if she had, she would have ranked EVEN LOWER than Humperdink's boring ballad. I think the song, given some tweaks, and a competent vocalist, would have actually been okay, but the cat trapped in a bag vocals are just NOT IT. As boring as I find Love Will Set You Free, the great that about that track is, like Gooddelta said, it's totally forgettable. It was likely forgotten several songs in to the competition, let alone the next year. Had we sent Jordan, however, well ... that performance WOULD have been remembered. I think it could have done permanent, or at the very least lasting, damage to the UK's reputation in the concert, and made the "don't vote UK" meme far stronger. For that reason alone, it would have been the worst entry we could have sent out of all the options we had in the last three decades. The costume, the styling, the staging ... it's just all bizarre, and I don't understand what they were going for at all. The French commentators laughed at Javine's performance in the 2005 finale... so just imagine if we had sent Jordan instead... The worst part is, of course, the vocals. Katie Price as a personality would likely have seen herself as above the competition, and she would likely have been abrasive when promoting the song and the country. For those reasons, it comes LAST.

The year is 1001. Britney has yet to release her greatest album ever, and one of the greatest pop albums ever, and most curiously titled albums ever, In The Zone. Britney had finished promoting her second album, Oops..., which had spawned one HUGE no.1, almost as big as ... Baby One More Time, and had two massive selling albums behind her. So, in order to keep the momentum, she and her team decide to release Britney, the self-titled album, in 2001. They even cut short the promotion of Oops... , by cancelling a planned final single, Knocking on my Door, in order to move on to Britney at the earliest opportunity. Britney is a transition album; it deftly balances the burgeoning rnb pop scene of the early 2000s with the doo-pop, piano-led, bubbly pop of the trademark Britney sound of the late 90s. It also serves as the soundtrack to Britney's first, and final, foray into the film industry, with Crossroads. As such, whilst the album keeps the catchy, instant pop hooks on several of the big pop numbers, namely: Overprotected, Anticipating, Lonely, and Bombastic Love, That's Where You Take Me, it also has to present a new, more mature sound, threaded through with subtler, more current (for the time) rnb beats. Not only that, but it had to work as a body of music that could run through a feature film. Many critics at the time commented that Crossroads, at times, felt more like a musical, and some, less complimentary critics, decried the film as a vehicle for promoting Britney. In many ways, Britney and Crossroads followed the model of Spiceworld, which had come just a few years earlier. As a result, the self-titled album does NOT have a song as strong as Oops... or ...Baby, in the sense of it marking a cultural cornerstone, or having an insatiable, huge chorus, or being the album workhorse as lead single. The closest pop track that matches the description is, Overprotected. Whilst I'm a big fan of the song, it has aged worse than Oops and Baby, and it does not feel like a cultural classic, in the way that her first two album openers did. Bombastic Love could also be in contention here, but it feels like a weaker first single choice than Overprotected. Therefore, given that the album is a transition album, with a more mature, rnb sound permeating throughout, with the entire project clearly designed to launch Britney into the next stage of her career - adulthood (much like Hannah Montana give way to Miley Cyrus) - and because of the lack of a clear cultural classic cornerstone track, the first single had to be radically different to the sound that came before. Besides, the "trick", with two massive, era-defining pop songs leading her previous albums, had now worked twice; trying a third time could have really worn out the strategy. It could have also limited Britney's artistic range; given that this was designed as a transitional, not traditional, album, that idea would have been anathema to her team. Although ... perhaps the record company could have been persuaded to make it a hat-trick... for the benjies. That leads us to... I'm a Slave (4 U), the single which launched the third album in September of 2001. First, let's address the elephant in the room: Christina Aguilera. The fact that Christina, just one year later, released Dirrty and Stripped, shows that Britney and Christina were eager to leave the teen sound behind. If Britney had not changed her sound and released I'm a Slave, her music could, perhaps, have sounded reductive in comparison to her immediate peer, the one with whom she was incessantly compared. That is enough of a reason in itself for this to be the correct single choice. Slave itself is an utterly bombastic song. It has a pulsating, sensual rhythm, and Britney introduces, for the first time, but not the last, her sultry tones, which were reminiscent of Janet Jackson. It should be no surprise, therefore, that the song was written for Janet by Pharrel (neither of whom are strangers to cool, or sensual, beats). It sounds cool as a breeze on a balcony in high summer, the beat is almost hypnotic, and it comes across as a coming-of-age leap in musical direction. It basically announces, I'm Britney, and this is my sound. The blend of rnb with esoteric, rumbling drums, synths, and Turkish/ Caucus strains, and the lack of any chord progression in the verses, results in an utterly unique piece of pop history. Overnight, she became a seductress with sultry vocals, and the song STILL stands out within her entire discography. The song is an absolute blast, and sounds like a proto-Maneater by Nelly Furtado. It's a downplayed, dancehall thumper, with its muted, hypnotic beat as capable as any club track of filling a dancefloor. It's simply stellar, and it helps lead us directly to In the Zone. As the first single of a transition album, what more can you want? The video is a perfect accompaniment to the track. It's cool, and totally different to anything she had done before, whilst showcasing her dancing. The setting is iconic, and it is one of her most daring, provocative, yet simplistic, videos, too. Even the jarring colour scheme screams out for your attention. Absolute pop mastery in every way. Not just that, but perhaps the only way to compete with the two JUGGERNAUT singles from her pure pop, breakout days was to do something radically different. In this sense, Slave works as a first single. On the other hand, the song is such a monumental, seismic change from her earlier sound, and the song itself is so unusual, with a peculiar key movement and lack of chord progression, that it was EXTREMELY risky as a first single. It is far more daring than the previous two, whilst establishing a new sound for Britney as well. The fact that it is a new, traditional, rnb-infused sound, in and of itself, is risky enough, without even touching on the strange nature of the song itself ... as a pop song by a major artist, one who had been known for a particular sound (and one that she had popularised and headlined, in doo-pop). This same risk was the undoing of the Spice Girls not even one year prior. Then came the VMA performance... The public reaction was ... over the top. However, that same reaction kept Britney on everyone's minds, and took up column inches and newsreel minutes. This is exactly what Britney's team were aiming for, in releasing the new album a year after Oops... They wanted to avoid any loss of momentum. Britney was on top of the pop world with the song, and the sensual VMA performance of the track EXPLODED in an early portence of what would one day become social media virality. It was one of the main topics of conversation in the entertainment world at the time. In this sense, we can see that the song WAS the right choice of first single... except for the fact that ... there is another, perhaps stronger, contender. Particularly if we consider how Beyoncé launched her sophomore effort with, If I was a Boy, and the major success that left-field move achieved. That brings us to what I believe would have been a stronger first single choice: I'm Not a Girl is a stripped-back ballad, with mature lyrics and a subject matter that literally deals with transition, namely the transition of one life stage to the next, mirroring the album and Britney's life. It is one of Britney's best-known tracks, even though it was her third single from the album, and has even featured on Family Guy! It is only a few million behind Slave in views on youtube, even though Slave is protagonised by one of her most famous videos. I believe this song would have SLAPPED and SERVED as the lead single. It was a radical departure to the first two leads, in the sense that, instead of a brassy, upbeat pop track, we have a soulful ballad; and yet, at the same time, it was still a piano-led doo-pop song; only now it was more mature and felt very authentic. However, the only way that this would have worked is if they had NOT pushed to release the album exactly a year after the sophomore effort, and had, instead, decided to take their time. This is because this song had always been purposed as the main lead for her movie, which wouldn't be released until summer of 2002. I think they should have had more confidence in Britney's star power and waited half a year more. They could have led with this as the main single for the album, and also as the main promotional track for her movie. It would have been very reminiscent of Spice World and Spice Up Your Life, in that way. This would have been the perfect transition song, and would have set up the stage for I'm a Slave to come as the second song, both thematically and sonically. Overprotected could have followed Slave, as an admonishment to the overreaction and backlash to Britney's maturing sound, and the three songs in that order would have been a critical commentary of society's relationship to famous women, and have served as a coherent narrative. In this order, there would have been no need for I Love Rock and Roll, a song that derailed the campaign and had critics lambast her as, manufactured, for the sudden about turn sonically, with a cover that offered nothing different to the original. It was released to help promote the movie; however, with this order, I'm Not a Girl, as both first single and movie single, would have done most of the promotional heavy-lifting. Moreover, saving the two other biggest songs, to run alongside the promotional window for the movie, would have helped far more than a cover of a song that sounded nothing like anything else she had ever released up until that point (or, in fact, to this day...). A fourth and fifth single could follow, in the form of Anticipating and Boys, to cement the change in sound, and help pave the way for her best album, which was yet to come. So, in short, whilst Slave is a unique blast of a track, and one of Britney's very best, it would have served her better as second single... had they been willing to buy their time. Otherwise, it was by FAR the best option for the September release. Just like Toxic needed to be set up by another single first, I believe Slave would have benefitted in the same way. What do y'all think? Are you big fans of the song, too? Do you think it was the right choice as the first single?

First up, last in the list: LAST PLACE: Englebert Humpledink - Love! (Will Set You Free) Pros: Vocals aren't bad Spanish guitar Cons: Awful staging Boring song He looks as interested in the competition as Nigel Farage I know, I know, a little bit of a SURPRISE choice for last place. Y'all will be asking, but what about Gemini? Where will Michael Rice and Josh D be? They're some of the most widely decried UK entries, perhaps of all time, and Humpledink's vocals aren't that dodgy... Well, as bad as Gemini and Josh are, I had to go with what, for me, is a song and artist, AND STAGING, that I NEVER wanted BBC to send, and a style I hope they'll never repeat. Humpledink shuffled out onto the stage like an octogenarian Congressman (not Bernie), with all the energy of a drunk tourist nursing a hangover on a sunlounger by a pool in Benidorm. His vocals, whilst okay, were nothing to write home about, and the song itself is HORRENDOUS. It's boring MOR, with absolutely nothing to do it. It's just very ... nothingy. It lacks energy, flare, and it does not stand out. Unfortunately for Humpledink, the song was second in the running order, and by the end, it had been completely forgotten about. The staging is dire, drab and dour. Slow clouds meander across the backround, as Humpledink does his best impression of a statue that's been handed a microphone. Seriously, does he even move? Maybe I missed him shuffling forward slightly... To be honest, the performance comes across like a grandparent doing karaoke at a family function, singing a song from the 1940s. Meanwhile, some random man appears on a stool to pluck away at a Spanish guitar, and some random couple starts flouncing around in the background, as if it were all a cheesy parody of Strictly Come Dancing and the session singers they use. It's just such a dull dirge, and it's completely out of touch with the modern music scene in the UK. The most interesting part of the song - apart from the traditional Azerbaijan music at the end, wehich breathes some lfie into the meandering video oops - is that very same Spanish guitar, but one lone guitar could never lift up a performance like this. I doubt Humpledink did much to promote the song in Azerbaijan, or across Europe, either. Europe was similarly unimpressed, as the song flopped in the contest. It came 25th of 26th. Here, it is not so lucky, as it crashes out in 26th place (out of 26). Would any, "what if...", song have placed lower in this countdown?! Let's find out in the next post...

Big Fat Sue has trawled the depths of UK Eurovision entries, and listened to them way more times than anybody with ears ever should have had to. Some were surprisingly decent, and then others were... were not so decent. The hardest part of this ranking was deciding what should go LAST. This ranking has a SPECIAL SURPRISE in it, in that "what if..." entries are included in the ranking, in the sense that, in brackets, I place them where they WOULD likely have placed in this ranking, had they officially been sent. For example, songs that just missed out in the Making Your Mind Up show. There aren't that many, so don't worry. My ranking is based on the following criteria: quality of the staging, the vocals, the song itself, the way the artist promoted/ represented the entry/country, and crucially (which has helped in many ties, and really helped me with putting an entry into last place), what Big Fat Sue wants to hear from a Eurovision entry. So join me on my blast through the Eurovision past, as we journey across the Eurvision scoreboards from last place ... to 24th.

Yes, but I was going to send album tracks!!!

My vyiats: 1. Christina - GENIE!!! (In A Bottle) 2. Ellie G - Burn 3. Avril - Nobody's Home (Lights are on) 4. Louise - Borderline 5. Mary J. Blige - Be 6. Rina - This Hell 7. Addison - Aquamarina 8. Sasami - Honeycrash

Omg did I miss out?

Espression Macchiato is clearly a novelty song. We know it's novelty as a fact, because it sounds like a lot of Iz's entries to BJSC. It was a huge hit with voters, being the REAL telvote winner (probably so without the Israeli vote campgin, too). Is it possible it could have won the whole competition without the Israeli manipulation of the vote? Maybe! Perhaps likely... It is also one of the most successful third entries in the song's history, and, if it had gone second, it would literally have been the biggest second in the running order song OF ALL TIME in Eurovision. Would you say it is the biggest ever Eurovision novelty song/ most successful early running order song? I would say yes. I can't think of any that ever did as well as Espresso Macchiato. Ironically, bada Bada Bastu, another novelty song, was the bookies' favourite tis year, too, but ended up being overshadowed by ANOTHER, overlooked novelty bop. That to me is classic novelty chaos!