Big Fat Sue

An DISGRACE to put Saturdays and Fifth Haemonies' ballads so low!!!

Is this of all time?

I'll get it back on topic: Trumo and his cohort of fascists f***in SUCK. Stephen Miller is really in charge. Trump is just his speaking sock puppet, who loves all the attenrion and grift and personal enrichment for him and his billionaire friends. Look at the Nasa funding basically going to SpaceX for vanity projects that are IMPOSSIBLE GRIFTS. Taco Trump is clueless, and he didn't know anyrhing about the case of the American man exhiled to a prison in El Salvador. He toed the Miller line, though.

This title just reminds me of

Poor Jadekissidonia not getting through :(

And it's... 14: Andy Abraham - Even If (2008) Pros: Funky fresh!!! Very different sound from the BBC Funky staging Competent performance and vocal Sounds like Don't Stop (Till You Get Enough) Jahq must be breathing a sigh of relief Not a ballad!!! Cons: Feels a little unfinished/ half-baked Needed a touch-up The back-up singers sound a little out of tune Totally out of sync with the charts and music scene by a few decades Jahq gets his wish, as Even If goes out in 14th place. Gooddelta mentioned that this sounds like Don't Stop (Till You Get Enough), which is my favourite from Michael Jackson, so that's probably why I love this song Whilst there are some glaring issues with this entry, which is why it is 14th - namely that it has got absolutely NOTHING AT ALL to do with the UK music scene in 2008, and that it looks like it was all done on a budget of about 50 pence - I still think it's a good effort! It's unique and different to most of the safe pop songs that the BBC sends to the Eurovision. To me, this entry really stands out amongst the crowd of slow ballads and chirpy pop songs. We have a good vocalist with dad disco moves, a brightly-lit, disco dancefloor as the staging with a live band theme, and the track is a bouncy slice of retro disco! What's not to like? Well, to be fair, if you're not into dated disco-funk, I can see why you wouldn't like this, and see it as another bland pop entry from the BBC. But I like the genre, and I think it lends itself so well to live performances (which is why the live band-theme in the staging works so well). I can also see why it flopped, because of how divorced it is from 2008's music, because it was in the death slot, and because disco-funk isn't for everyone. The song could pribably benefit from having a bit "more" going on, especially in the instrumental. There is something missing, and a stronger beat, with more dissonant chords running alongside the main chord progression, would probably have given it a fuller, more interesting sound, and enhanced it. Of course, the out-of-tune back-up singers do NOT count as dissonant chords!! Anyway, I really like this one, and I think, given a few changes, it could have really stood out in the competition.

But before that... (WHAT IF? 14th PLACE): Hyrise - Leading Me On (2004) Pros: This could have easily been in the charts ... in the late 90s, very, very early 00s Good vocals Representative of the music landscape of the UK Unique Cons: Probably wouldn't have done better than James Fox It was a bit dated by 2004 Not a ballad A quick, What If? moment here! Hyrise would probably have done really well at the Eurovision ... in an alternate universe, when the song had been prepared for the 200/1 Eurovision cycles. I'm not sure how well it would have done in 2004, following Jemini, and I don't think the BBC would have wanted anyone who wasn't a tried and tested safe pair of hands, but it is a bit of a bop. It's not a ballad, either! It's a solid pop song, though a little bit dated.

I'm going to do an I'm a Celeb/ X Factor moment here: The song going out in 14th place will be one of the following: Mollie, Scooch, Andy Abraham, Blue, or Electro Velvet. Find out ... after the break!

Yeah, he really does look like Teddy, so it was funny when he said, But I look nothing like yu, and had Martin try to claim he looked like Zack l

Looks like they did: But the EBU completely silenced the audience! (And added fake cheers for Israel!)

Linda should probably leave the Vic, seeing as she can't watch anyone drink anymore, as she confirmed to Vicky the other night!!! I'd love Nicola and Janine to team up. Until janine comes back, Nicola will do nicely.I also like that they didn't punish her for her crimes. usuaully, soaps have double standards. They let men kill, be gangsters, and get away with anything; women ALWAYS have to pay for their crimes. It's like GoT; Sersei had to walk naked through the streets, to get audience symapthy and to be punished, but NONE of the murderous men EVER had to go through ANYTHING like that, and a lot of them didn't have to pay for what they did. Ever.I hope Nicola kills off more people, especially Zack. We just do not need Zack. He's atrocious as a character. I'm still loling at him thinking this teenager, who doesn't know him, would choose to go WITH HIM and upend his life. And that he thought it was a good idea to scream for him in the middle of the Square, in front of all of their neighbours! This is AFTER he said he was scared for his life AND scared for his daughter lol. He hadn't had ANYTHING to do with the boy, andhe is doing his bloody GCSEs! Leave him alone. Go live with Whitney and connect with your child! There is more to being a father than blood. Trying to kidnap Barney was just the height of hypocrisy, too.

He had soe influence on lady gaga! That's his biggest contribution for me

We have a double A-seed up next! To be honest, when first starting this ranking, I thought that these two would EASILY be bottom five... But there were far worse entries. The thing that both of these have going for them is that they are CLEARLY far-more high budget than almost any other entry we have sent across these twenty six years (with the only exceptions being Blue, Jade and perhaps Sam Ryder). 16: Olly Alexander - Dizzy (2024) Pros: Best staging we've ever had, except for maybe Sam Ryder Current singer High budget affair Gracious in defeat Cons: Radio fodder pop song Forgettable REALLY dodgy and weak vocals Simulated sex on stage I find it unbelievable that the BBC complained about Kant - singing in Maltese - sung after 10pm on a Saturday night, with no malice or insult behind the word - after they sent THIS just ONE YEAR before. I've never liked the song. I find it weak, unremarkable, boring, repetitive, and completely uninteresting. It's not that dissimilar to Embers sonically or lyrically. It's nothing that I would ever listen to out of choice. It sounds like a throwaway radio track to fill up some air minutes on a pop station. It doesn't sound like a hit, although it is a modern dance-bop track. The fact that it is modern and current puts it way above a lot of other entries the BBC has sent! But it still sounds like an empty hologram; that is to say, it's almost like it was crafted by AI to be a perfectly acceptable Pinocchio analogue to modern radio tracks, without ever actually hitting the beats or 'realness' of actual tracks. It's empty facsismile, really. That's not to say the ENTIRE song is unmemorable filler; in fact, the middle 8, starting at around 2.05 and continuing until 2.25, gives us about twenty seconds of energy. It breathes life into the song and makes it momentarily interesting and unique. Lamentably, that same middle eight part is marred by what can only be described as a simulated sex scene on stage. I'm not exactly clutching my pearls about it, but it does bring down the performance, and makes the BBC totally hipocritical whenever it now complains about other entires (like the Ich Komme performance and the lyrics of Kant ... when even Germany didn't complain about Ich Komme!) Whilst the song itself is unremarkable, throwaway pop, and there was some questionable choreography, the entry really gets dragged down by the weak vocal performance, which somehow makes it even more forgettable. I'm not surprised by its televote score, as who would be blown away by the song or the vocal performance? It also feels like a carbon copy of the year before; it's like they took Mae Muller, flipped the sex, and changed the song a little bit. These two entries, side by side, are like when the BBC sent back-to-back ballads. It lacks vision. It's not all bad, however, Olly Murs was, until fairly recently, a big name on the charts across Europe and the UK. The song itself is current and chart-focused, even if not very good, and there was obviously a lot of money pumped into the staging. The staging was technically impressive, and I'm still shook by the opening shots of it. It is genuinely impactful, impressive, and good, staging, and I can't think of a single UK act that has staging that even comes close to the same level. Even the costume designer put in work on this! It's slick, smooth and professional. The staging alone, and the big budget, elevates this bang-average radio pop song and weak vocal to 16th on the list. I still hate the song, though. If I was just judging based on studio versions, this would be really low. 15: Mae Muller - Tonight I Wrote A Song (2023) Pros: Current singer and sound Staging was better than usual Used the same Spanish guitar as Jemini Great ambassador Gracious in defeat Cons: Terrible song that sounds like the Can Can mixed with Cry Baby Used the same Spanish guitar as Jemini Weak and bad vocals that were completely drowned out by the mix The TikTok-trend-style song sounded lost and too mid on the Eurovision stage Some VERY dodgy dancing (especially at 1:35) I HATE this song. It's just ... awful. It honestly sounds like a slowed-down, anaemic version of the Can Can (from the 0.43 mark): This song was doomed from the start. This was the year that rumours were whirling that we were going to send one of: Calvin Harris and Ellie Goulding, Birdie, or Rina S. Everyone was hyped to have one of these acts announced, to the point where the videos to their new-at-the-time songs were filled with people commenting, Eurovision 2023, alongside effusions of praise. Following Sam Ryder, hopes were high ... only to be dashed by the announcement of this song. It really caused us to crash back down to earth. The fact that there such great, established artists, with absolute BOPS being suggest, really marred the song before it ever even had a chance. It has permanently coloured the reaction to it. The track is a tik-tok coded, modern pop song ... but of low quality. The beat is restrained and never breaks out of its monotonous pulsing, which is why it sounds like a slower Can Can. It feels too slow and repetitive, and it quite frankly isn't a patch on Space Man. It sounds similar to Jemini's song, and even uses the same Spanish guitar! Which is ... both a good and bad thing. It does make it obvious that the song was crafted with Eurovision in mind, which actually comes across as pandering. If I had to choose between listening to this or Dizzy on repeat, I'm not sure which one I would go for! Maybe Dizzy, as it goes sliightly harder than this one. The monotonous, restrained beat affects the vocals, too. Mae Muller has never been a good vocalist, but the way the rhythm just repeats upon itself, in short beats in the chorus, forces the vocals into a breathy chant. That was never going to be a good mix with mae Muller's typical vocals. The live performance was even WORSE; her vocals were almost completely lost in the mix, overpowered and drowned out by the backing music. Her dancing was not great, and the introduction of HAVING TO WALK DOWN STAIRS whilst singing did the vocals no favours. You think they would have learned that from Madonna a few years earlier, but I guess not. Not all bad, though. It, like Olly, is obviously high-budget. The staging, though it has its problems, has evidently had more splashed on it that most of the other modern UK entries, and it is, once again, tik-tok coded, which matches the song itself. It is also quite unique. Mae was a GREAT ambassador for the country, too; like some on here said, her promo felt like a giant group chat. She seemed to do a lot more promo and performances across Europe than most of our other entries, probably following on from Sam's cue. She wasn't arrogant, she seemed genuinely thrilled to be representing the country, and she also got backs up at the Daily Mail, which is always a good thing. She did way more for the reputation of the country in the contest than most other acts (except Sam0, even if the weak song worked against her here. Another thing that doomed this entry was ... this: Mae Muller was the 25th and last singer to perform on the night. Usually, that would be a good thing ... except for the fact that she was IMMEDIATELY followed by the UK's interval act. Who was that interval act? None other than Sam Ryder, the most successful UK act in LITERAL DECADES. And he REALLY went for it. Whilst Mountain is no Space Man, it is still an energetic, euphoric bop, fronted by his incredible vocals. Not only that but, by being the interval act, Sam was not constrained by time, or by the six people on stage rule, that actual Eurovision entries are bound by. The performance was HUGE, Sam's vocals were arena-filling, and the staging was bursting at the seams, full to the brim with dancers and performers. This was all happening mere minutes after Mae. People who were watching were asking why we didn't just send Sam again, that this performance would have won, and that he was showing up Mae. Her entry was totally overshadowed, even if the average viewer didn't realise that Sam wasn't exactly constrained by the same ruleset, and so it was comparing apples to oranges. However, Sam is a far more competent and seasoned performer, with top vocals. Basically, nothing worked for Mae; the entry was almost like a comedy of errors. Following Sam, there was a lot of pressure ... and this entry just didn't match it. It comes a respectable 15th thanks to most of the other entries being WORSE, and because it was clear as day that this entry had a LOT more effort put into it, there was money behind it, and because Mae Muller was such a good ambassador for the country in Eurovision. Interestingly, the song was also a hit in the UK, getting a week in the top 10. I can't tell if it was because it was a genuinely popular sound, or if it was based on the hype of hosting and from following on Samy Ryder's top three finish, however...

Is anyone in the mood for some controversy?! Here comes a double bill!

You say that, but I was pipped to the post by a pop song!

You're probably reet tbh, especially when we had Sweet Lies!! BBC would definitely have sent that if it was an internal selection, but the public wanted X Factor... That's probably why they got rid of the competition.

17: James Newman - My last Breath (2020 Cancelled) Pros: Suits him far more than Embers Sounds a little bit like Ordinary Sounds like a song that could be in the charts, even today Cons: Badly performed (out of tune and flat) Uncharismatic Yet another mid BBC ballad that lacks power and flair If we were doing a ranking based just on the STUDIO versions and videos, this could have an argument for placing top 10... As it happens, we're not and it falls way short. In 2020, the BBC decided to send John Newman's brother, James, to the concert with another ballad, following a string of ballads they sent in the late 10s. I found this song hard to place; first, I had it as a double A-seed with Embers, but then I took it OUT of the ranking, before finally putting it back in as a separate entry. The problem is the contest itself was cancelled; however, we cannot judge the song based on its studio version, and so we have to go to some of the few live performances that we have of the song. Sadly, the live performances are so much worse than the studio version. The studio version sounds like a song that could be in the charts today. I'd even go so far as to say that it shares similarities with Ordinary, which has been no.1 for many weeks now! Of course, Ordinary has more power behind it and a more emphatic and energetic chorus, but that's par for the course for a BBC ballad. Newman, on the studio track, has strong vocals. The lyrics are more interesting that the typical BBC song, but even then it still seems too mild for a Eurovision entry. However, when sung live, we have more problems. James Newman's weak, breathy vocals are centre stage (again), and come across even worse than on Embers, as a ballad highlights weaker, out of tune vocals far more than an upbeat track. On one live performance, he was sweating and out of breath singing it, and it's a ballad and doesn't need much choreography. They might have been able to mitigate this with Last Breath, by having him standing completely still with a microphone, but his lack of fitness and charisma still persists. Also, if they had to go down this route, especially to try and improve his vocals for a ballad, then the staging wuld have suffered. However, I can't think of a world in which this song would have had worse staging than two giant trumpet horns, so swings and roundabouts. It's hard to judge this entry, as it was never sent. I like the song, and I think they could have probably got a mid-table position with it, but the problems with James Arthur as a performer remain, and YET ANOTHER ballad from the BBC, following the late 00s, meant that the theme was well worn-through by this time. It's a safe entry, it plays well to James Newman's strengths, the song is well-crafed and solid enough, but without it ever having been performed on a Eurovision stage, the weak, out of tune vocals, and being yet another ballad following years of the same, it would be hard to put it much higher in the ranking.

I actually forgot all about hin and Bigger Than Us, so it was like hearing new songs again when I did the fiest listenthrough My kneejerk reaction was to put Bigger high up, as it is a great vocal and I like the song, but I soon realised it wasn't a great entry at all. James Fox was 100% a palette cleanser. They went with him to be completely sure of havibg a good vocal and competent performance on the night, r to hopefully salvage their reputation after Jemini. Reworked, the song could have been much better than it was though.

I meant, he could approach BBC with Revolution!

And the recap for anyone skimming: 26-18: 26 Englebert Humperdink (What if? Jordan/ Katie Price) - Love Can Set You Free 25 Josh Dubovie - That Sounds Good To Me 24 Jemini - Cry Baby 23 Nicki French - Don't Play That Song Again (k. Don't have to tell me twice) 22 Lindsay Dracass - Dream Impossible 21 James Newman - Embers 20 Surie - Storm 19 Michael Rice - Bigger than Us 18 James Fox - Hold On! 17 ...

18: James Fox - Hold On! (To Our Love) (2004) Pros: Sounds like a massive hit (if released in the 2010s, like that really boring Portugal song) Good vocals Competent performance, which was important after Jemini Cons: The song is reaaaaally boring The chorus is too cheesy Terrible staging Camp Monitor leading a kumbaya guitar moment around the camp fire vibes One year after the Jemini nil points disaster, the BBC decided to do a major course correction and sent a guitar ballad by James Fox, of Fame Academy fame. It is the Joanne (this song) to the BBC's ARTPOP (Jemini). It's a stripped-back song, performed by a very competent vocalist. I don't mind the song, but the main problem is it is very, very boring, something that is accentuated by the empty staging. There is a Greek chorus swaying along in the background, a man with a guitar, and with an orange light that is VERY reminiscent of a camp fire... Which brings us to one of the major problems with this entry: it feels small. It sounds like something you would sing at a summer camp. Not only that, but the song sounds like a standard, indie-bop, guitar-led ballad ... but the chorus collapses into full-on, laidback cheese pop. However, I think that, had they fixed that cheese chorus, then this could have been a MAJOR Eurovision hit in the 2010s. Does it sound that different to that horrendously boring Portugal song, which had no business winning? I don't think so. It sounds similar enough to have done really well in the 2010s, with a bit of a lick of paint to remove the early naughties cheese. Nevertheless, this was sent way before the sound was popular and was therefrore ahead of its time. In the early 00s, however, this just did not stand out. It was boring, it felt dated (for the time), felt like it sucked all the energy out of the competition, and it just couldn't compete for anyone's top 10 favourite song against far bigger numbers. The winning song that year was Wild Dances! Some ballads did do well, but they had bigger structures and belted notes. This was too laid-back for the time. Good vocals, competent performance, but totally the wrong type of entry for the early 2000s.

The Supreme Court IS the handpicked, activist court!!! One of the Trump trials in Florida LITERALLY had a hand-picked, Trumpian, Trump appointed, activist judge!! The court's role is to make sure the other branches don't overstep. It's their part of the checks and balances.

Vicky is crap. She looks nothing like Vicky, her accent is ridiculous for a woman who spent sll of 5 minutes on the square in the early 00s, and her having Sharon's lines is laughable. Linda is Shaeon's feiend, so that makes sense. I was wondering what on earth she was doing there, and why she was so invested in these rsndom neighbours' lives. Also Linda: I'm finding you drinking wine hard... You own, work in and live in A PUB

They need to take money our of politics. Their democracy is even worse than ours. Separation of powers. People in Cingress, borh houses, are also voted for...

It's a good song! But needed a bit more work as an entry and it needed to be sent years away from Storm.