Torple

Replace the WOEFUL 911 with QUEEN DEETAH, and I'm there with you.

Now 41 was definitely the best one - the Malteser look is bizarrely something I associate with that era. A CD cover is a strange thing to inspire nostalgia but hey.

I'm going to be a grumpy old git and mourn for the days where the artwork was often quite LOVELY (particularly from mid-90s to mid-00s) where they went to pains to ensure each had their own identity/colour scheme. Now covers these days just look a child was vomited up paint of every colour known to man. And seriously, bunnies? Awful. I would feel embarrassed to take that to a counter.

That's a genuine shame, albeit no great surprise. It's definitely a loss for Hollyoaks though, because I just can't see that any of the newer characters introduced over the past couple of years are ready to fill the shows of the recently and to-be departed. I have a horrible feeling they will continue to try and push the Savages, Texas and Theresa as leading characters.

She hasn't yet f***ed 18 year olds or dressed onscreen as a slutty haystack, as General Hospital is a daytime soap. But she's got the same sharp and irreverent wit, likes to get trolleyed and play strip pool, and is usually a healthy dose of comic relief amidst a sea of angsty tragic heroines, warring Alexis Colby caricatures, and tortured gangsters. She plays a defence attorney called Diane Miller who spends her time helping outright criminals escape the law in order to fund her fetish for Jimmy Choos - she's not a leading character and tends to disappear for large chunks of time in a go, alas. Hennesy has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies and spreads herself quite thinly (I believe she's also in the current series of True Blood, and she's carving out a career as an author - one of her books was actually a novelised spin-off of General Hospital). In all truth, General Hospital is also an APPALLING show (despite the decent actors, it shares the same dodgy low-budget production values and amateur scriptwriting as every other two-bit American soap), but it appeals to the side of me that has remained nostalgic for Sunset Beach.

It's an absolutely APPALLING show (which from what I understand has spent the past few years edging their veteran stars out the door so that they can focus on one repetitve love triangle). As far as trashy American soaps go, it's all about General Hospital, which genuinely has a cast that are much better than the soap format itself (Carolynn Hennesy who may be known to others as Barb from Cougar Town is a highlight)

Interesting tidbit possibly relating to the bullying outcome...

It's hardly the first time they've done that (Ricky? Lesbain Jodie? Wheelchair Pete? Sinead's little brother who got a girl pregnant at 12?), but it IS an incredibly lazy and disrespectful practice. Apparantly Carli Norris (Martha) has also stated she has not filmed any scenes for a long time. Not looking good for the Kanes, which is a shame, because I thought they were a very promising family unit. Certainly more so than the DIRE Savages (wtf is Liberty still doing in employment?)

I simply REFUSE to believe that Dandu* doesn't have Neil Diamond and Justin Bieber at pride of place on his CD shelf.

I'm actually quite surprised with the route they've taken, I had assumed that as soon as the suicide attempt happened, that would be the end of it and everybody (Ruby and Sinead included) would be falling over themselves to repent. As uncomfortable viewing as it all is, I guess it's quite responsible that Hollyoaks haven't used a suicide attempt as a method to wrap everything up nicely or portrayed it as an easy way of acquiring sympathy and love. The actual suicide attempt episode was outstanding - that final minute in the hospital with Esther yanking the tubes out was quite harrowing (and the use of Silent Hill-esque music was inspired). Esther's scream of anguish upon realising she was still alive was also a masterstroke. Absolutely heartbreaking. I can see this story ushering a fair few characters out of the show now. Jen's clearly f***ed (especially if spoilers for next week are to be believed). And I can't see any way back for Ruby or Sinead (and with no Sinead, that pretty much leaves Diane out in the cold as well). I still think the implication is that Ruby genuinely believes Esther is the evil murderess she claims her to be rather than simply being Maddie Mark II, but nevertheless there's no way she can feasibly continue with the Osborne family once it all comes out. And Sinead will be without boyfriend, baby daddy, and friends - and presumably now Bart's gone she's also fair game for the wrath of Jacqui once more.

Nonsense. Who hasn't smacked Mercedes over the past few years?

Although Teardrop did make the top 10, it's also a fantastic example of a track whose true status as an all-time classic far exceeds its chart performance (if I remember right, it only scraped top 10 behind the likes of Steps, the Mavericks and All Saints' abysmal RHCP cover - a travesty!) Although you're right that Alanis had already shifted a shedload of albums before Ironic was released as a single release, the strange thing is that the fifth single (Head Over Feet) DID make the top 10, so for me Ironic is still a little bit of an anamoly.

The first VERY GOOD TV show of the year. I loved the contrast of the bright and garish visuals, and the dark and sinister plot. Enough mystery to ensure you want to watch the next episode, the creepiest TV villains for a long time (I'm genuinely sorry they've already dispatched the Spandau Ballet time-traveller), and for all the critics hand-wringing over the eye-gouging scene, it wasn't really anything you wouldn't see in a 15 Hollywood action-movie.

I'm sure she has the potential to be QUITE GOOD, but that potential is far from realised yet, and in truth I don't think Nikki Sanderson is as good an actress as Rachel Shenton who has been one of Hollyoaks' top finds these past couple of years. I'm not arguing that she's a terrible character, merely that it's early days and far too soon for her to be rated a Hollyoaks legend.

On a more positive note,

Fields Of Gold is ABSOLUTELY a classic, and a stunning one at that. Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy (#13) Alanis Morissette - Ironic (#11) Undertones - Teenage Kicks (#31) Iggy Pop - The Passenger (#22) Des'ree - What's Your Sign? (#19)

So RATHER INEVITABLE NEWS

Judging from officially-leaked album track, Let Us Move On, she's gone back to basics and embraced the trip-hop-lite again. Which I'm pleased with as worthy as her attempts to play authentic musician on Safe Trip Home were, the majority was also utterly drab (albeit with moments of utter beauty - Grafton Street and The Day Before The Day rank amongst her very best). It's not the most dynamic of listens, but then that's not why people listen to Dido records in the first place. I do think her time of commercial success is long over though. Although her music isn't a million miles removed from Emily Sandy, where Dido comes up short is that unlike Emily and Adele, she doesn't quite have THE VOICE. She's not a powerhouse performer and she hasn't sounded engaged with her own music for a long time, and it doesn't help that she took five years off when as it was most people hadn't even realised she'd continued in existence post-2003. I think she'll find her place is now strictly on Ministry of Sound Chillout compilations rather than Radio 1 drivetime. Sadly. PREDICTION: Single not top 100. Album scrapes top 10 if she pulls her finger out of her arse, but even then will drop like a stone thereafter, which in this climate will equate to roughly 52 copies sold. Hdbvb8slvSM [

Rather shamefully, only Pink Floyd. I do plan on getting my arse in gear and obtaining more, but I'm really not fussed on Abba or The Beatles.

I'm sure nobody is really watching this, but it has to be said. Much HILARITY at the judges casually tossing their PRIZED ASSET away in the very first show in favour of CHEGGERS. There will be meltdown at ITV HQ tomorrow.

I.e. REMOVE THE SHIT? An obese comedienne (who really wasn't particularly funny) as a sporting judge? A half-hearted professional display which we couldn't actually see because the cameras kept cutting to audience close-ups? Stilted banter by the hosts who are desperately fumbling around for anything to help them stretch 5 people jumping into a pool into a 90 minute show? The commentator making snarky comments about the shite quality of the diving, only for the hosts to contradict him 5 seconds later and fall over themselves as they assure Helen Lederer that her falling into the pool face first was "wonderful"? Leon Taylor trying and failing to be even a second-rate Jason Gardiner? Jade THE PERSONALITY Ewen? Vernon bloody Kay? You're right. Perhaps then it would appeal to the public.

Oh come on gays, I know you'll all fall for any dolly bird who passes your way, but a near enough unbroken run of 10s and 9s for Maxine, who has made all of a dozen appearances in the show so far is a trifle RIDICULOUS.

Sounds very believable. There seemed to have been a focus in the past week of slowly cutting

08 Tony Hutchinson 09 Cindy Hutchinson 00 Holly Cunningham - what a RIDICULOUS recast. She is now older than her own mother. 02 Tom Cunningham 07 Myra McQueen - she's provided many a genius comedic moment, even if the woman can't act for toffee 03 John Paul McQueen - never understood the fuss. Has always been a rather selfish character 10 Jacqui McQueen 01 Bart Mcqueen -1 Theresa McQueen - how the fcuk has this waste of space lasted for FIVE YEARS?! 06 Nana Mcqueen - OK for a laugh even if she is just a replica of Madge from Benidorm. The calender was a HOOT 05 Jack Osborne - if it wasn't for the fact that Hollyoaks struggles as it is to keep anybody for longer than 3 years, I'd say it's time for this one to have another heart attack 07 Frankie Osborne - inconsistent. Veers a little too wildly from caring Earth Mother to trashy dolly bird to poisonous witch all to suit whatever the Plot of the Day is. I think I prefer the second alter-ego. 10 Darren Osborne - along with Nancy they are pretty much the only couple you can actually root for on the show. Both actors played a blinder with the miscarriage story last year. Vastly underrated. 10 Nancy Osborne 09 Cheryl Brady - loses a point for being perhaps the most STUPIDLY blind character in the whole of Tellyland 07 Seamus Brady - very sinister but Silas he AIN'T 00 Declan Brady 11 Brendan Brady 09 Callum Kane 06 Lacey Kane 09 Martha Kane 08 Ash Kane 07 Mitzeee Minniver 00 Maxine Minniver 03 Sienna Blake 02 Patrick Blake 01 Sinead O Connor - sympathy point because despite the HIDEOUS character, Stephanie Davis is by far the most competent of the teen cast 08 Diane O Connor - in truth not that deserving, but I am nostalgic for Brookie and in my head she's still Jacqui Dixon 01 Jen Gilmore 00 Liam Gilmore 03 Dirk Savage - ridiculously hammy Del Boy caricature 00 Liberty Savage - utterly appalling in every single way. I cannot believe the poor girl has been employed as an actress for two years now. It's really quite cruel to lead someone on so. 08 Dodger Savage - but will only be watchable once more when he's free of Texas and has murdered Will 02 Will Savage - WOULD be a 00 but I suspect he's going to become the next resident PSYCHO 08 Dennis Savage 08 Walker 01 Joel Dexter - competent actor, completely unsympathetic character. Time for him to be beaten up by Callum again. 00 Ste Hay - I can't decide what's Hollyoaks biggest flaw right now - the continued presence of Liberty and Theresa, or the downright BIZARRE notion that the scriptwriters have that this scrat is some sort of romantic hero. Utterly ridiculous and it's beyond stretching imagination that every gay who steps foot in the village appears to fall in love with him. I'm waiting in dread for inevitable Ste/John Paul affair. 09 Phoebe 05 Leanne Holiday 01 Doug Carter - needs some BALLS although right now I'd prefer HIM with Brendan 04 Ruby Button 07 Esther Bloom - lovely girl but good LORD you just have to cringe because however distateful her treatment has been recently, she doesn't half bring it all upon herself. Blunders from mishap to foot-in-mouth or downright disaster in the space of an ad break. Fleeing car crashes you've partly caused and throwing a hissy fit at a funeral is NOT the way to win popularity love. 08 Mercedes Fisher - MUCH better as a nutter than a $l*t 08 Carmel Valentine 02 Texas Longford 06 Tilly Evans 07 George Smith 09 Barney Mcbride 08 Annalise Appelton 05 Rob Edwards