THERE was no way Geordie nightclub brawler CHERYL COLE was going to take LILY ALLEN’s comments lying down.
The GIRLS ALOUD singer is LIVID that Lily called her a “stupid b**ch” who can’t sing in tune and has to take her clothes off for a living.
After I reported the mouthy Londoner’s comments yesterday, Chezza contacted me with her explosive response.
Cheryl — who had initially upset Lily by calling her a “chick with a d**k”, which the Smile singer felt was an attack on her size — sneered: “Yes, I was bitchy about her but I never mentioned her weight.
“Quite frankly I couldn’t care less if she has a d**k or not.
“I have had enough of her and her big mouth.”
She said that in the past her bandmates NICOLA ROBERTS and SARAH HARDING had also been hurt by Lily’s sharp tongue — as has hubby ASHLEY COLE.
Chezza fumed: “Over the last few months she has called Nicola ugly, which I bit my tongue over. She called Sarah vile and my husband horrendous, but seems to have conveniently forgotten all of that.”
I’m not getting involved, but fair point.
Cheryl continued: “I can’t stand people who give it but aren’t prepared to take it back.
“If that’s the case she should keep her mouth s*** instead of feeling sorry for herself.
“I could go on but I left school a long time ago and have no time for this.”
Then comes the killer line.
“I’m currently on a big arena tour with the girls singing live each night.
“Lily, I could find you a spare ticket if you’d like to come and experience what a live arena tour is like . . . as that’s the closest you’ll get to it.”
Talk about microphones at dawn. Never mind “Free Paris” T-shirts, bring on “Team Cheryl” and “Team Lily”.
Cheryl and the rest of the girls kicked off their Greatest Hits tour in Newcastle this week, playing to a crowd of thousands.
Meanwhile, on Tuesday night Lily was playing at Los Angeles’ Wiltern Theater — with a capacity of less than one tenth of Cheryl’s venue.
Not that I’m taking sides.
Now I want you to email me with who you think would come off better if this celebrity scrap was taken to a boxing ring?
To give you an idea of their form, here’s a potted history of the contenders’ most infamous moments, with my rating out of ten on the b**ch scale.
Chezza’s best:
January 2003: Clumps a nightclub toilet attendant.
b**ch rating: 9
October 2005: Calls CHARLOTTE CHURCH “a nasty little piece of work with a fat head.”
b**ch rating: 8
July 2006: Says PARIS HILTON was “abysmal” in a film role, adding “She looks like a Barbie doll and there's no substance to her”.
b**ch rating: 6
December 2006: Says of ALL SAINTS: “They’re all mothers, it’s time they grew up.”
b**ch Rating: 5
But Lily’s history proves she is every bit as razor-tongued as her foe:
June 2006: Savages BOB GELDOF: “He’s a dull, old, boring man who only made one good song about a million years ago,” adding that the charity legend is a “sanctimonious prat”.
b**ch rating: 5
June 2006: Claims CARL BARAT is “obviously convinced he’s God or something.”
b**ch rating: 3
September 2006: On PEACHES GELDOF, she announces: “I’d kick her over and then kick her even harder when she was down.”
b**ch rating: 8
August 2006: Bravely tears into MADONNA, calling her: “The most over-rated person in pop history. She adds: “I don’t think anything she’s done since the early Eighties has really been, like, wow.”
b**ch rating: 7
August 2006: Says JAMES BLUNT’s personality rhymes with his surname . . .
b**ch rating: 7.5
August 2006: Gets all Doctor Who about PETE DOHERTY, saying: “I do think he has to be exterminated.”
b**ch rating: 6
September 2006: Brands PARIS HILTON “hideously untalented” and reckons “her music is auto-tuned. You can hear it. I know because my sister saw her in Ibiza and said it was the worst thing she had ever heard.”
b**ch rating: 6