Big Fat Sue has trawled the depths of UK Eurovision entries, and listened to them way more times than anybody with ears ever should have had to. Some were surprisingly decent, and then others were... were not so decent. The hardest part of this ranking was deciding what should go LAST.

This ranking has a SPECIAL SURPRISE in it, in that "what if..." entries are included in the ranking, in the sense that, in brackets, I place them where they WOULD likely have placed in this ranking, had they officially been sent. For example, songs that just missed out in the Making Your Mind Up show. There aren't that many, so don't worry.

My ranking is based on the following criteria: quality of the staging, the vocals, the song itself, the way the artist promoted/ represented the entry/country, and crucially (which has helped in many ties, and really helped me with putting an entry into last place), what Big Fat Sue wants to hear from a Eurovision entry.

So join me on my blast through the Eurovision past, as we journey across the Eurvision scoreboards from last place ... to 24th.

First up, last in the list:

LAST PLACE:

Englebert Humpledink - Love! (Will Set You Free)

Pros:

Vocals aren't bad
Spanish guitar

Cons:

Awful staging

Boring song

He looks as interested in the competition as Nigel Farage

I know, I know, a little bit of a SURPRISE choice for last place. Y'all will be asking, but what about Gemini? Where will Michael Rice and Josh D be? They're some of the most widely decried UK entries, perhaps of all time, and Humpledink's vocals aren't that dodgy... Well, as bad as Gemini and Josh are, I had to go with what, for me, is a song and artist, AND STAGING, that I NEVER wanted BBC to send, and a style I hope they'll never repeat.

Humpledink shuffled out onto the stage like an octogenarian Congressman (not Bernie), with all the energy of a drunk tourist nursing a hangover on a sunlounger by a pool in Benidorm. His vocals, whilst okay, were nothing to write home about, and the song itself is HORRENDOUS. It's boring MOR, with absolutely nothing to do it. It's just very ... nothingy. It lacks energy, flare, and it does not stand out. Unfortunately for Humpledink, the song was second in the running order, and by the end, it had been completely forgotten about. The staging is dire, drab and dour. Slow clouds meander across the backround, as Humpledink does his best impression of a statue that's been handed a microphone. Seriously, does he even move? Maybe I missed him shuffling forward slightly... To be honest, the performance comes across like a grandparent doing karaoke at a family function, singing a song from the 1940s. Meanwhile, some random man appears on a stool to pluck away at a Spanish guitar, and some random couple starts flouncing around in the background, as if it were all a cheesy parody of Strictly Come Dancing and the session singers they use. It's just such a dull dirge, and it's completely out of touch with the modern music scene in the UK. The most interesting part of the song - apart from the traditional Azerbaijan music at the end, wehich breathes some lfie into the meandering video oops - is that very same Spanish guitar, but one lone guitar could never lift up a performance like this. I doubt Humpledink did much to promote the song in Azerbaijan, or across Europe, either. Europe was similarly unimpressed, as the song flopped in the contest. It came 25th of 26th. Here, it is not so lucky, as it crashes out in 26th place (out of 26). Would any, "what if...", song have placed lower in this countdown?! Let's find out in the next post...

honestly, this topic has a lot of promise, and I might even agree with you once or twice here

imagine being such an embarassing country that we sent Englebert Humperdinck in the big 2012? I know, I can't either

engelbert you'll never be famous x

I didn’t mind that track, but obviously a TERRIBLE choice of artist as late as 2012 into a modern song competition.

He had the worst running order possible going first, it was too slow a start to the final and was completely forgotten about.

WHAT IF? LAST PLACE:

(26 - Jordan/ Katie Price - Not Just Anybody (2005)

Wish we still had autoplay for this one...

Pros:

It has a James Bond track-style chord progression

It's novelty, and the UK rarely (Scooch) sends novelty

It has the same, popular sound of the early 2000s. The instrumental sunds similar to Javine's in places.

Cons:

It's pants

She's not famous in other countries, so they wouldn't understand

Tone-deaf singing

Jordan/ Katie Price came VERY close to beating out Javine for the chance of representing the UK in 2005. Fortunately, she didn't make it; if she had, she would have ranked EVEN LOWER than Humperdink's boring ballad. I think the song, given some tweaks, and a competent vocalist, would have actually been okay, but the cat trapped in a bag vocals are just NOT IT. As boring as I find Love Will Set You Free, the great that about that track is, like Gooddelta said, it's totally forgettable. It was likely forgotten several songs in to the competition, let alone the next year. Had we sent Jordan, however, well ... that performance WOULD have been remembered. I think it could have done permanent, or at the very least lasting, damage to the UK's reputation in the concert, and made the "don't vote UK" meme far stronger. For that reason alone, it would have been the worst entry we could have sent out of all the options we had in the last three decades. The costume, the styling, the staging ... it's just all bizarre, and I don't understand what they were going for at all. The French commentators laughed at Javine's performance in the 2005 finale... so just imagine if we had sent Jordan instead... The worst part is, of course, the vocals. Katie Price as a personality would likely have seen herself as above the competition, and she would likely have been abrasive when promoting the song and the country. For those reasons, it comes LAST.

25th: Josh Dubovie - That Sounds Good To Me (2010)

Pros:

The hilariously ironic title

He smiles a lot

He looks like a friend of mine

Cons:

The tone-deaf vocals

The tone-deaf backing singers

The staging

The 1960s/70s dated theme

The final "big notes"

The BBC decided to send Josh Dubovie in 2010, one year after they had triumphed the eyar before with Jade Ewen and Andrew Lloyd Webber. And it's just ... it's just awful. I really struggled with deciding whther this or Humpledink deserved last place. In the end, this won out because it is HILARIOUSLY bad. Prompting laughs is probably better than curing insomnia, so here we are. The song is EXTREMELY forgettable; in fact, I'd forgotten we'd ever sent it. I couldn't remember a thing about this entry, which isn't a bad thing. It was a Pete Waterman song, and I wonder if this was one of his, troll songs, from his troll era, just like Vanilla's No Way, No Way. It really gives off, scraping the dregs off the bottom of the barrel, energy. It's incredibly dated, and would have sounded bad in the 60s, let alone kicking off the 10s. It's like the BBC used up all its energy on Jade the year before, anjust said, sod it, let's dig deep into the drawers of forgotten about pop songs and see what turns up. There isn't a universe in which this would ever have done well on the charts or in the competition, no matter the year. It's a generic, faceless, tuneless song, that sounds like it would be better suited as the jazzy opening theme for a gameshow in the 60s.

And that's just the song! Fair play to him, Josh smiles through the pain of his painful vocals. Both he and his backup singers are hilariously out of tune, but maybe that's why they hired those singers: to make it sound good in comparison. The best part of this entry is the irony between the title, That Sounds Good To Me, and the vocals that sounded like everyone on stage was in disagreement about what notes to hit. His final notes made it a bad day for everyone with ears. The staging is ... well, the three tone-deaf backing singers are swaying about on the top of some lit-up boxes, as Josh walks up and down them like stairs. It looks like the suit he's wearing cost more than the entire 10 pence set. At least he got a nice suit out of it, though.

24th: Jemini - Bye Bye Baby (2003)

Pros:

The opening strings of the Spanish guitar gives us some hope... which is quickly dashed

It has a Spanish guitar

It was at least contemporary-sounding

Cons:

Look at it

Here it is! One of the worst entries the UK has ever sent, famously being the first ever song to get nil points, and only ever song in English (until 2021) to get nil points in the history of the Eurovision. The reason I didn't place it bottom two is because of two reasons, 1. it's ICONICALLY bad and, 2. It sounds contemporary for the time. It has a Steps sound to it, and sounds like something that would have been in the charts just a couple of years earlier, before Steps split. The use of the Spanish guitar, the dodgy dancing, and the weird juxtaposition of a party dress, vs dirty, slept-in club clothes, also represented the UK's early 00s affinity for party holidays in Benidorm and Ibiza. In that way, at least it represented the UK music sound and culture of the time! Something that neither Josh nor Humpledink did AT ALL. I'd much rather the BBC send something modern-sounding, that actually represents the music scene, than throwaway, cheap tracks.

Anyway, the entire entry is a disaster, from the horrendous vocals, to the school disco dody dancing, to the clash of costumes, to the man wearing one sleeve up, one down, with red trainers contrasting with washed-out old jeans and a dirty shirt, whilst the woman wears a clubbing dress. The tune was generic Steps, with an added guitar for Europe, and the production was boring. 0 points seems generous, looking back.

I think I’d probably put Jemini slightly higher just because the song itself is a bit of a bop, though I agree everything else is dire. And Josh Dubovie would probably have been my bottom though I agree Englebert is the most obviously terrible artist choice.

I can't disagree with that Josh placement. He wasn't good, especially the final note, but where on earth did the BBC find those backing vocalists? They clashed with him so badly that they killed it. Not that it had any merit to begin with, I'm amazed it wasn't a nul pointer. It sounds like it was rejected from a Pontins advert in 1989.

Cry Baby is actually one I listen to now and then, but definitely not the live. This time the backing vocalists were in tune, but the female singer wasn't, therefore the 'I thought our love would last forever' part was genuinely a train wreck. The studio version is a catchy enough pop song which agreed, came straight out of the Steps leftovers drawer, but sounded about three years out of date in 2003. Still, I thought it would finish midtable until I saw the live performance. Weirdly, I Wrote A Song can be sung quite easily over the top of this, must be a similar BPM and chord structure.

you'd have to wonder how the bbc picked some of these entrants with these live vocals 👀

Josh and Jemini both came through national finals 😃

We passed up on the chance to send Esma - That Sounds Good To Me (we had no choice in this turd of a song, just the performer...and she forgot some of the words at 1:38) and Trisha Penrose - DJ Romeo, respectively. The BBC has been terrible at Eurovision for this entire century, sadly, save for the odd one here and there.

Oops, I misremembered the year for Jemini, I think their nearest competitor was actually this ballad (Emily did get to Eurovision as she later went on to become one of the backing singers in the questionable 2006 UK performance). The track was dated but could have been given a lick of paint and done pretty well in Riga, she sung it well.

When you rank this as #1... THEN WOT????

God this was soooo robbed </3 (and it's STILL not on Spotify! )

I love all three and Katie Price song too.

For me they are much better than Sam Ryder and many others.

Edited May 25May 25 by Last Dreamer

9 hours ago, Last Dreamer said:

I love all three and Katie Price song too.

For me they are much better than Sam Ryder and many others.

Really?! I get Jemini, as the studio version is basically a Steps song, but the ballad and Josh?!

14 hours ago, Tafty said:

When you rank this as #1... THEN WOT????

God this was soooo robbed </3 (and it's STILL not on Spotify! )

And now for a double whammy!!

23rd: Nicki French - Don't Play That Song Again (2000)

And

22nd: Lindsay Draccas: No Dream Impossible (2001)

Not much to say about these ones. They were before my Eurovision time. They both actually sound really sonically similar to me, and I keep mixing them up when thinking about them. Whilst No Dream Impossible is the better song, it just sounds like an absolute racket on stage. The vocals just ... aren't good. Both of the songs suffer from bland instrumentals that seem to go nowhere, and they both sound REALLY dated, even for the early 2000s.

Dream Impossible is the better song, but not by much. The vocals ruin it, it's plodding, but there is a decent bit that uplifts the song. It's at 1:42, when the entire melody changes, and a rapper comes in. Her vocals get tighter and momentarily improve here, when she's not trying to hit high notes and trying to oversing. If the whole song had been like that VERY SHORT middle 8, it would have been miles better. Her voice cracking and her out of tune notes aren't it.

Nicki French looks like a mum doing karaoke at the local pub, even down to the mum coat. The staging is naff and cheap and worse than 2001, which just has ok staging (but the giant instrument thing is interesting). Neither song does it for me.

23rd:

Pros:

Good vocals

Looks like she's having fun

Cons:

Forgettable

Boring song that goes nowhere

Bad staging

Cheesy

22nd:

Pros:

Ambitious vocals, but she was eating with the eyes, not with the stomach, with those

Great rap middle 8

Staging isn't bad, but it is very cheap.

Cons:

Boring song that goes nowhere

Cheesy

Vocals are really ropey

21: James Newman - Embers

Pros:

He was popular with the other delegations

Was gracious in nil points defeat

Not really the fault of the BBC or James Newman, as the first contest, with his better song, was cancelled

Cons:

All the charisma of a wet sponge

YET ANOTHER happy, self-help, BBC-pruned song, with saccharine lyrics, in an upbeat major key.

Joan Collins would have a FIELD DAY with that sartorial choice

Bad vocals

Bad, horn-heavy staging

No surprises yet, I don't think. The song just isn't very good; its theme was well and truly worn all the way through by 2021. The BBC had a history of sending upbeat, uptempo, major key songs, all about positivity, by this point of the competition. It came across as same old, same old. Unlike his song from the year before, there was nothing new sonically or lyrically for the BBC. It just feels phoned-in and rushed, like something they slapped together for the next contest ... until BBC oversight. His song from the (cancelled) year before was much better, so this one isn't really something that the BBC could have foreseen; it was a unique disaster.

The vocals were all over the shop, the staging was as boring as it was bizarre, and his dancing gave off VERY strong, drunken uncle at a family party, vibes. Given that he was splashing beer about at the end, and given the absolute STATE of the whole performance, it really wouldn't surprise me if he HAD been drunk during it! I WOULD have been surprised if they had rehearsed it more than once, however. Also, poor James Newman lacks the charisma of his brother John. Also, what was he wearing? He was sweating like mad by the end of the performance, so whatever it was was way too hot and heavy for the Eurovision stage.

The next two will be coming together and they might be controversial!

im in the minority thinking the song's good enough and a more charismatic performer would've been a cute entry 👀