Big Fat Sue

We regret to inform you that the Brits, once again, have hope. No amount of merciless rejection can crush it. And here’s the good news: The UK has a tendency to select melodically challenged competitors, but these girls can sing.

"What The Hell Just Happened" is both the name of Remember Monday's entry and the sentiment that will echo across Europe once they've left the stage.

The problem? It’s a dreadful song. The staging is inexplicably dull. The change-of-pace chorus grows tiresome fast. Thematically, the whole thing is stuck in 2013, vapidly dissecting a party like the early hangover-pop of Kesha and Katy Perry. But times have changed. Kesha now makes empowered, critically acclaimed art-pop. Perry is a self-proclaimed authority on astrology and astronomy and the stars.

This song is a lazy facsimile of a bygone era that doesn’t treat Eurovision fans with the respect they deserve. Disaster is looming for Britain; they just don’t realize it yet.