You may be aware that in conjunction with the 70th anniversary of the UK charts a group of us have been listening through all the UK Number Ones from November 1952. We have just reached the early 80s and a couple of us have been thinking that it might be nice to do some sort of poll off the back of this. There has already been an Ultimate #1 poll and many other polls establishing the favourite #1 of a particular era. So we thought it might be interesting to do a worst #1 of all time rate, to celebrate the most inexplicable displays of taste of the British public and eventually crown the ultimate WTF moment of chart history.

 

What makes this plan challenging is that unlike the best #1s, which are generally well known because they have stood the rest of time, the worst #1s are quite likely to be forgotten. If you asked people to name their least favourite #1 the songs chosen would likely be recent or infamous and wouldn’t reflect the full 70 year history, every part of which has had its lows as well as its highs.

 

Therefore Ed and I have been working on a shortlist of what we consider to be the worst #1s from each period, which could eventually be used for a poll. So far we have covered the period from the beginning of the charts to the end of the 1970s and we have come up with the following list:

 

Stargazers - I See the Moon (1954)

Vera Lynn - My Son, My Son (1954)

Pat Boone - I’ll Be Home (1956)

Lonnie Donegan - My Old Man’s a Dustman (1960)

Mike Serne & Wendy Richard - Come Outside (1962)

Billy J Kramer & The Dakotas - Little Children (1964)

Ken Dodd - Tears (1965)

Petula Clark - This Is My Song (1967)

Engelbert Humperdinck- The Last Waltz (1967)

Esther and Abi Ofarim - Cinderella Rockefella (1968)

Lee Marvin - Wand’rin’ Star (1970)

Dana - All Kinds of Everything (1970)

Clive Dunn - Grandad (1971)

Middle of the Road - Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep (1971)

Royal Scots Dragon Guard - Amazing Grace (1972)

Donny Osmond - Puppy Love (1972)

Lieutenant Pigeon - Mouldy Old Dough (1972)

Chuck Berry - My Ding-a-ling (1972)

Little Jimmy Osmond - Long Haired Lover From Liverpool (1972)

Ray Stevens - The Streak (1974)

Telly Savalas - If (1975)

Windsor Davies & Don Estelle - Whispering Grass (1975)

Billy Connolly - D.I.V.O.R.C.E (1975)

JJ Barrie - No Charge (1976)

Floaters - Float On (1977)

Brian and Michael - Matchstalk Men and Matchstalk Cats and Dogs (1978)

Rod Stewart - Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? (1978)

Lena Martel - One Day at a Time (1979)

 

We have tried to keep personal taste out of it as far as possible and only choose records where we really cannot see the appeal. Some of them are “comedy” records where the jokes both aren’t very funny and create an unpleasant listening experience. Others have bizarre or creepy themes with little musical merit to compensate. Others are excruciatingly twee. All seem terrible to us.

 

We would love to have comments, both on what you think we have wrongly left out (bearing in mind that we wouldn’t want the list to be much longer) and on anything that you don’t think deserves to be here.

 

In case you’re a real glutton for punishment I have even created a Spotify playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6fthHhVbt...QSU2n6IpekkiSUQ

Note that the Telly Savalas and Billy Connolly tracks aren’t on Spotify but are on YouTube:

Edited August 29, 20222 yr by JulianT

The only one on that list id take off is Chirpy Chirpy Cheap Cheap it's a bit of a guilty pleasure for me! Other than that the rest are not good. Even though I've never heard some of the very early ones but stuff before 1955 was generally not very good anyway.

Edited March 20, 20223 yr by fiesta

Puppy Love surely has to feature if you’re gonna put the similarly novelty Liverpool song

I wouldn't disagree with any of those, but why Amazing Grace? :o I rather like that one and it's competently performed, it's an oddity but I wouldn't call it one of the worst by any stretch x

This wordpress blog is very good and has been reviewing every UK single for the last few years, currently up to 1983:

 

https://number1sblog.com

 

As far as that shortlist, ooh no no, Little Children was beloved of little children (me) as was Come Outside (period charm), This Is Your Song is fab, written by Charlie Chaplin sung by Pet Clark. Cinderella Rockefella ditto has 1920's quirky throwback charm. Dana and Clive Dunn were ones I loved as a pre-teen, Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep everyone (young) was mad on at the time. I mean I'm not claiming they are timeless classics but they are better than some from the 80's for example Charlene or Star Trekking, or The Chicken Song etc etc etc :lol:

 

If we are listing tracks with no value at all, then let's go right for the jugular:

 

Mr. Blobby - just no excuse! :teresa:

 

For the 50's to 70's: Lena Martell and JJ Barrie have it sewn up! The only ones I loathe on that list. Telly Savalas I forgive because it spawned a hit comedy piss-take by Yin & Yan which is amusing, imagining Telly recording it in the studio as he keeps trying to sing rather than speak the lyrics...

 

But I would add in Donny Osmond Young Love, Billy Connolly DIVORCE, Bay City Rollers Give A Little Love, and quite a few from the early/mid 50's :lol:

Tears shouldn't be there as it's a great song. Also Float On.

Unchained Melody - Robson and Jerome

Babycakes - 2 of a Kind

 

I could go on…..!!

I don’t mind Mr Blobby :lol:

I quite like 'Little Children' and 'Amazing Grace' but yes a lot of dross here otherwise

Agree with most of these. Vera Lynn having one of the 3 worst #1s of the 50s would be surprising, I'd maybe suggest one of Frank Ifield's #1s in the early 60s with all the yodelling, and for Lonnie Donegan I'd put Gamblin' Man (which iirc were just about the only two words in the song) in place of Dustman. I also think Amazing Grace is fine in the right setting and I'd put Mouldy Old Dough here instead, but no objections to the 70s ones after that.

I don't think "Float On" should be on the list, that's a good tune. Also don't think "Little Children" should, that was part of the Mersey Beat movement that was all the rage at the time. Otherwise I agree with all the others.

 

Ones I think you've missed off:

 

Lita Roza - (How Much Is) That Doggie In The Window

Scaffold - Lily The Pink

Archies - Sugar Sugar

Rolf Harris - Two Little Boys

Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

Lieutenant Pigeon - Mouldy Old Dough

Billy Connolly - D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Brotherhood Of Man - Save Your Kisses For Me

Wurzels - Combine Harvester (Brand New Key)

 

There are others I would add to the list but it would be more to do with personal taste.

To be fair Lonnie Donegan was one of the leading pioneers of rock n roll, it's not an exaggeration to say if it weren't for him The Beatles would never have happened. I know Dustman is a comedy song but imo I wouldn't add any of his other no.1s.

Telly Savalas I forgive because it spawned a hit comedy piss-take by Yin & Yan which is amusing, imagining Telly recording it in the studio as he keeps trying to sing rather than speak the lyrics...

 

Telly Savalas - If and its video I think is iconic and unintentionally hilarious, certainly one of the weirdest #1s ever!

 

Edited March 21, 20223 yr by TheSnake

Billy Connolly is definitely a glaring omission here! As is that Matchstalk song, and Rod Stewart's 'Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?' (maybe it was less cringeworthy at the time but I doubt it)

 

I do actually like that Lonnie Donegan track (and 'Amazing Grace' certainly shouldn't be here either as multiple people have already said!), a few more there that I think are decent too but certainly not rushing to defend any more.

Thanks very much for all the comments so far! Obviously everyone’s list would be different (my own wouldn’t be the above; for example I have a soft spot for Dana) so we are aiming for something approaching a consensus. We think the list is about the right length so won’t be adding or removing a whole slew of songs, but do want to hear everyone’s opinion of course!

 

We have already made 2 additions and 2 removals following the replies, indicated in the OP. :)

Donny's Puppy Love is WAY better than his 2 other chart-toppers, 12th Of Never and Young Love - it has a pre-voice-broken cuteness that the other 2 totally lack, they are just bland covers, one ruining a Johnny Mathis goodie, the other ruining an already not so great Tab Hunter record :lol: Though at least Tab had the decency to be a hunky good-looking (gay) actor who posed for nudey photos, so kudos for being ahead of the times by about 40 years. :teresa:

In addition to some of those already mentioned, what about Gary Glitter - I Love You Love Me Love - out of his 3 #1s I think that one should be added to the list, the worst of his #1s I think, because of its plodding and rambling chorus. Mind you his other two #1s have even worse song titles with hindsight.

Edited March 21, 20223 yr by TheSnake

In addition to some of those already mentioned, what about Gary Glitter - I Love You Love Me Love - out of his 3 #1s I think that one should be added to the list, the worst of his #1s I think, because of its plodding and rambling chorus. Mind you his other two #1s have even worse song titles with hindsight.

I think we’ve decided to steer clear of Gitter and Harris as the objective is eventually to ask people to listen to all the songs and rank them. People might understandably not even want to appraise those.

Agree with most of these. Vera Lynn having one of the 3 worst #1s of the 50s would be surprising, I'd maybe suggest one of Frank Ifield's #1s in the early 60s with all the yodelling, and for Lonnie Donegan I'd put Gamblin' Man (which iirc were just about the only two words in the song) in place of Dustman. I also think Amazing Grace is fine in the right setting and I'd put Mouldy Old Dough here instead, but no objections to the 70s ones after that.

It turns out there isn’t that much that’s terrible from the 50s - plenty that’s dull but mostly it was good singers singing songs that were already well established. I love Dane Vera but “My Son, My Son” is a bit of a shocker.

I did suggest “Mouldy Old Dough” but it seems there are some fans of it from looking at online reviews and it’s grown on me with more listens. Overall we’ve concluded it’s just weird rather than bad.

Edited March 21, 20223 yr by JulianT

In terms of Glitter at least, I don’t think any of his songs are truly bad enough purely from a musical stand point to be in the shortlist. The contribution of the Glitter Band alone takes them above/below the threshold. Same for Two Little Boys really - solely in terms of music, it’s just a gentle little ballad - I don’t think it’s awful enough to be included.

Edited March 21, 20223 yr by chartjack2