I gave The Stonk 31 points which is pretty much its average score. It's certainly a worthy winner, absolutely dreadful. Sausage Rolls only got 9 points from me so I was close to being its lowest scorer.

 

Thanks Julian and Ed for organising this. It was interesting following the results.

surprised at this, The Stonk is a illy record for sure but it's a comedy charity record so I can forgive it for that

I think we got the results wrong, don't really think that's the worst

The Millenium Prayer is much much worse

and I can actually think of tons of other songs much worse, like any Westlife or Boyzone song or Perfect

or that Teletubbies thing that people forgive cos they were 3 years old when the song was released...

 

for me the top 3 should have been:

1 Ed Sheeran-Perfect

2 Cliff- The Millenium Prayer

3 The Teletubbies song

:)

Thanks very much Julian and Ed for running this. It's been good fun. At least a combination of being old and having attended nearly all the listening sessions meant that I didn't have to revisit many of the songs to do the rate!

I gave The Stonk 16 points so I wouldn't say I would defend it, but at the same time, I've gotta confess I don't really get the mass hatred for it and wouldn't have had it anywhere near the top. It just struck me as a slightly naff comedy record, I barely remember anything about it actually. I dunno, did you have to be there? It's a solid 4/10 for me x

 

I actually supported Ladbaby for his first few cos it did start out as something awful, yet having a bit of a unique charm to it, and it got Buzzjack angry, that's the main thing :kink: But that was a step too far for me. The charity aspect was overegged which made him look full of himself and earnest when the whole thing was clearly some big ego trip and publicity stunt by picking a song already in the charts. There's a great article about it here which nicely details some of the other problems about Ladbaby as well.

 

Long Haired Lover from Liverpool is...bad, I certainly can't defend those nails-on-chalkboard vocals and attempt at an accent, but it is blissfully short so was a little lower down than some others.

 

Thank you very much, Ed and Julian, for all the effort you've gone to in running these and presenting these results, I've really enjoyed it and it was a really fun conclusion to those number 1s sessions.

A tragic song and fitting winner, although 'only' my 38. For a comedy record there's not a single thing about it that is even remotely nearing funny. Glad it has been recognised for being so diabolical.

 

There really isn't anything worse than The Millennium Prayer though, for me that's the worst by a mile.

 

The LadBaby song is awful too, as are all of his records. This is probably actually the least bad one for me though as it's not mangling a classic. I do like the Ed original (Elton's garbled contribution I could do without on both), but it's much, much worse with LadBaby, and crap lyrics, like: 'it's Christmas time, sausage rolls and wine'.

 

Thanks for your efforts in running this Julian and Ed, the commentaries have been enjoyable and insightful.

Edited November 14, 20222 yr by gooddelta

'The Stonk' is not the worst thing here but still rubbish so can't begrudge that choice

 

Thank you Julian and Ed for running this! I really appreciate ideas that merge both old and new music, even if the quality of the material involved wasn't exactly high :lol: top effort.

When ranking the finalists I started by splitting them into groups - five points for the truly diabolical with no redeeming features (ten songs) to one point for not very good but tolerable (two songs). The Stonk was a four and got a final score of 29 from me. LadBaby was the "highest" (i.e. lowest scoring) of the fives.

Well, can't be too disappointed with my 39 pointer gaining top. What an abomination! Helps keep perspective regarding the idea of the British having witty dry humour yet having many "novelty" records display anything but!

 

Sausage Rolls For Everyone I gave 36 to and LHLFL got 38 so am happy 3 of my bottom 5 took home the medals alongside seeing my most embarrassing guilty pleasure of a song (Save Your Love) failing to break the Top 30 so that's another plus(?)

 

Many thanks to Julian and Ed for organising and offering their insight throughout. Really enjoyed seeing everyone else's opinions as well.

Only 4 points separating the top 2, what a finale! The Stonk was my +29 though on another day could have made my top 10 - it seemed a fun enough song for Comic Relief at the time (I was at primary school), but sounds altogether cringeworthy now. I still wouldn't have seen it as a likely winner of this contest, but the results don't lie!

 

I think that's vindicated running this as a rate of all songs in the final, as it's not the most well-known of songs, and if people had just voted for their top 10 I'd have guessed LadBaby would win. Although they didn't win their heat either so maybe not. Still it's made for a solid set of results across 30 voters with many different eras represented near the top, and a fitting celebration of 70 years of great and not so great number 1s!

 

Thank you Julian and Ed for running this over the last few months, it's been fun to see this come together.

Finalists

(1) The Stonk - Hale & Pace / The Stonkers 30.23

(2) Sausage Rolls For Everyone - Ladbaby / Ed Sheeran / Elton John 30.10

(3) Long Haired Lover From Liverpool - Little Jimmy Osmond 29.63

(4) The Millennium Prayer - Cliff Richard 28.10

(5) No Charge - JJ Barrie 27.57

(6) You’ll Never Walk Alone - Michael Ball / Tom Moore / NHS Voices Of Care Choir 27.30

(7) There’s No-One Quite Like Grandma - St Winifred’s School Choir 25.80

(8) The Streak - Ray Stevens 24.53

(9) Grandad - Clive Dunn 23.43

(10) If - Telly Savalas 23.30

 

(11) I See The Moon - The Stargazers 22.70

(12) Freaky Friday - Lil Dicky / Chris Brown 22.53

(13) A Bridge Over You - Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Choir 22.03

(14) Shout - Shout For England / Dizzee Rascal / James Corden 21.77

(15) D.I.V.O.R.C.E. - Billy Connolly 21.63

(16) I Feel You - Peter Andre 21.50

(17) Wake Me Up - Gareth Malone’s All Star Choir 21.43

(18) Unchained Melody - Robson & Jerome 20.90

(19) One Day At A Time - Lena Martell 20.77

(20) Come On You Reds - Manchester United Football Club 20.23

 

(21) My Ding-A-Ling - Chuck Berry 20.17

(22) Shaddup You Face - Joe Dolce Music Theatre 19.47

(23) I’ll Be Home - Pat Boone 19.20

(24) F.U.R.B. (F*** You Right Back) - Frankee 18.80

(25) The Club Is Alive - JLS 18.40

(26) It’s Chico Time - Chico 17.90

(27) Wishing On A Star - X Factor Finalists / JLS / One Direction 17.60

(28) Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny - Bombalurina 17.40

(29) Axel F - Crazy Frog 17.13

(30) The Long And Winding Road - Will Young / Gareth Gates 16.93

 

(31) Save Your Love - Renée & Renato 16.67

(32) Against All Odds - Mariah Carey / Westlife 16.60

(33) The Chicken Song - Spitting Image 15.93

(34) With A Little Help From My Friends - Sam & Mark 15.90

(35) Let’s Party - Jive Bunny & The Mastermixers 15.40

(36) Turn Up The Music - Chris Brown 15.17

(37) Teletubbies Say “Eh-Oh” - Teletubbies 14.63

(38) We Are The World - USA For Africa 14.07

(39) We Will Rock You - Five / Queen 13.93

(40) Walk This Way - Sugababes / Girls Aloud 13.20

 

Non finalists

(41) 14.67 Whispering Grass - Windsor Davies / Don

Estelle

(42) 13.90 Come Outside - Mike Sarne / Wendy Richard

(43) 13.86 Tears - Ken Dodd

(44) 13.62 Cinderella Rockefella - Esther & Abi Ofarim

(45) 13.48 My Son, My Son - Vera Lynn

(46) 13.34 Turtle Power - Partners in Kryme

(47) 13.28 Star Trekkin’ - The Firm

(48) 13.03 Forever Love - Gary Barlow

(49) 12.52 When You Believe - Leon Jackson

(50) 12.48 Mr Blobby - Mr Blobby

 

(51) 12.41 Changes - Kelly & Ozzy Osbourne

(52) 12.39 (I’m Gonna Be) 500 Miles - The Proclaimers - Brian Potter & Andy Pipkin

(53) 12.38 Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) - Outhere Brothers

(54) 12.29 Toosie Slide - Drake

(55) 12.12 Gym and Tonic - Spacedust

(56) 12.10 Dirtee Disco - Dizzee Rascal

(57) 12.09 Queen of My Heart - Westlife

(58) 12.06 Just Lose It - Eminem

(59) 11.91 You Needed Me - Boyzone

(60) 11.87 It’s My Birthday - Will I Am / Cody Wise

 

(61) 11.85 F**t It (I Don’t Want You Back) - Eamon

(62) 11.79 Ebony and Ivory - Paul McCartney / Stevie Wonder

(63) 11.74 Crossroads - Blazin’ Squad

(64) 11.66 Every Loser Wins - Nick Berry

(65) 11.58 Swagger Jagger - Cher Lloyd

(66) 11.53 Be Faithful - Farman Scoop / Crooklyn Clan

(67) 11.52 Do They Know It’s Christmas - Band Aid II

(68) 11.45 The Time (Dirty Bit) - The Black Eyed Peas

(69) 11.41 The Lady in Red - Chris de Burgh

(70) 11.35 Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth / Meghan Trainor

 

(71) 11.29 A Little Bit More - 911

(72) 11.24 Seven Tears - Goombay Dance Band

(73) 11.23 One Way or Another (Teenage Kicks) - One Direction

(74) 11.21 Do the Bartman - The Simpsons

(75) 10.97 Deeply Dippy - Right Said Fred

(76) 10.95 Puppy Love - Donny Osmond

(77) 10.61 Crazy Stupid Love - Cheryl / Tinie Tempah

(78) 10.55 Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston

(79) 10.53 Take On Me - A1

(80) 10.43 This Is My Song - Petula Clark

 

(81) 10.10 I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

(82) 9.97 Baby Cakes - 3 of a Kind

(83) 9.90 All Sunmer Long - Kid Rock

(84) 9.86 Matchstalk Men & Matchstalk Cats and Dogs - Brian & Michael

(85) 9.69 Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love for You - Glenn Medeiros

(86) 9.59 Bound 4 Da Reload (Casualty) - Oxide & Neutrino

(87) 9.57 My Old Man’s a Dustman - Lonnie Donegan

(88) 9.32 Don’t Wanna Go Home - Jason Derulo

(89) 8.82 Lonely - Akon

(90) 8.77 Start Without You - Alexandra Burke / Laza Morgan

 

(91) 8.52 All Kinds of Everything - Dana

(92) 8.32 Loca People - Sak Noel

(93) 8.00 Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep - Middle of the Road

(94) 7.86 Da Ya Think I’m Sexy - Rod Stewart

(95) 7.62 I Just Called to Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder

(96) 7.43 The Last Waltz - Engelbert Humperdinck

(97) 7.26 Eternal Flame - Atomic Kitten

(98) 6.48 Hello - Lionel Richie

(99) 5.71 Wand’rin’ Star - Lee Marvin

(100) 5.67 Mouldy Old Dough - Lieutenant Pigeon

Billy Connolly's though still haunts me. Loved Billy back in the day, he was on fire in 1975, sensationally appearing on Parkinson's chat show. He should have left the singing to old bandmate Gerry Rafferty though. Stuck In The Middle With You and Baker Street 2 absolute classics. I'll happily take Tammy Wynette's version over this, and that wasn't great to begin with, and yes I was annoyed at the Q word. It was rife as an insult at the time, usually with the f word in front of it, it wasn't an ironic reclaiming of an insulting word like it supposedly is now. And if it makes the original usage seem less of an insult to later generations then the whole ironic point of choosing it as a "new label" isn't helpful. I suspect the fab Billy probably regrets using it for comedic purposes and has chosen not to have it on Spotify! Should SO have been top 10, if not top 5.

 

In this song the word queer is just being used as a synonym for 'unusually' (i.e. he must admit his dog is acting unusually), it isn't in any way shape or form referring to sexuality (unless you genuinely think that in that last line he was saying his dog was acting homosexually, which would be an odd final remark for the song to make, as it would have nothing to do with any of the rest of the song). I seriously doubt that Billy has any issue at all with his having used the word queer on this record in a utterly inoffensive context. The song does however also contain him spelling out the c-word (ableit usually bleeped out, though it's still fairly obvious what the word is), which probably has much more bearing on why the song isn't on Spotify, that and the fact that Billy doesn't especially rate his own 70s-era music in general these days. For what it's worth I actually quite like Billy's comedy songs and am surprised to see his number one finish so high up on here.

 

I'm also very surprised to see The Stonk crowned the worst number one of all, considering some of the other dross that was in the running (Telly Savalas in particular).

In this song the word queer is just being used as a synonym for 'unusually' (i.e. he must admit his dog is acting unusually), it isn't in any way shape or form referring to sexuality (unless you genuinely think that in that last line he was saying his dog was acting homosexually, which would be an odd final remark for the song to make, as it would have nothing to do with any of the rest of the song). I seriously doubt that Billy has any issue at all with his having used the word queer on this record in a utterly inoffensive context. The song does however also contain him spelling out the c-word (ableit usually bleeped out, though it's still fairly obvious what the word is), which probably has much more bearing on why the song isn't on Spotify, that and the fact that Billy doesn't especially rate his own 70s-era music in general these days. For what it's worth I actually quite like Billy's comedy songs and am surprised to see his number one finish so high up on here.

 

I'm also very surprised to see The Stonk crowned the worst number one of all, considering some of the other dross that was in the running (Telly Savalas in particular).

 

Yes he was just using the old-form of the word. I had the same reaction every time our French teacher said every bloody lesson "does anyone have any queries?" to sniggers and innuendo from twats in the classroom. It just grated when people still used the word when it had already been used as a form offence for years. I guess I'm just too sensitive from barely surviving school! Still a terrible record though! Tammy anyday :)

 

Thanks Julian & Ed for this, great fun and surprisingly interesting! :lol: I approve of the top spot (well I would as I gave it 40 points). I just thought it was a dreadful dreadful recording and loathed it from the moment I heard it. The reason I'm not so annoyed by Ladbaby (Elton & Ed: Shame! (ring bell) Shame! (ring bell) Shame!...etc) is I only heard it once or twice, I've found all Ladbaby records just puerile poor Wierd-Al-wannabee gimmicks and as radio doesnt play them and I dont listen to the chart show anymore I dont get wound up by them. Hearing this week after week was torture though!

 

Re: earlier comment, has "conk" passed into history then as a once-common slang term for nose? I bet it was this record that killed it off.... :lol:

 

 

Thanks for running this rate, it's been interesting and fun to be part of the voting and commenting on the results.

 

Really pleased that Unfunny & Unfunnier were at No.1... they were always an unbearable "comedy" duo and that song was just rubbish. It battled with Mariah & Westlife for my 40 points for a bit before I heard some of the older songs in the final rate.

 

Glad that Ed and Elton didn't take the top spot. Any other Ladbaby song would have been fine up there - but I think that this one was only chosen because the "joke" had worn ridiculously thin by then, it was a take on a song already in the charts and because... well, it's Ed Sheeran... of course Buzzjack didn't like it much!!

I think we summoned Hale & Pace as the answer to a question on The Chase today :kink: (a comedy duo containing both of their actual last names)

Thanks for running this guys, it's been an enjoyable and unique twist on the usual contests we have here.

 

Pleased that Ladbaby didn't win, it's a rubbish excuse for a song but I'd rather listen to it than The Stonk. In fact, I probably gave Ladbaby more points than I should have done in retrospect.

 

 

Still think The Millennium Prayer is the worst on the list - and, just to clarify as I did read the statements from the defence ( :lol: ), it's not because Cliff was old or against current trends in 1999, or indeed because it's religious... it's because it is just awful and incredibly tacky and actually required very little talent to undertake or create.

 

(although I would still rather listen to Cliff's monstrosity than Ozzy & Kelly's take on Changes which I maintain is actually painful to endure)

My 40-pointer ends up winning so I fully agree with the results!

 

Have enjoyed following this, thanks!

Re: earlier comment, has "conk" passed into history then as a once-common slang term for nose? I bet it was this record that killed it off.... :lol:

 

I knew there was something else I was going to mention! Yes, conk was a very common slang for nose, and I was surprised to see the suggestion that they could have been putting their red nose on any other part of their anatomy.

(although I would still rather listen to Cliff's monstrosity than Ozzy & Kelly's take on Changes which I maintain is actually painful to endure)

 

I loved (and still love) Changes, and it was the reason I had to buy myself CD player, as it was the first single I really wanted to buy that wasn't available on a cassette tape.

“With silver bells and cockle shells

And putting it all in a row”

 

The lyric is 'and pretty maids all in a row'. I'm guessing you weren't sung that nursery rhyme as a small child.

The lyric is 'and pretty maids all in a row'. I'm guessing you weren't sung that nursery rhyme as a small child.

This, though, is wonderful